Monday, July 1, 2013

Midnight word vomit

I'm not delusional. I know how people feel about me. I'm extremely observant and perceptive. Part of being a nurse is being one step ahead of everyone and anticipating their needs before even they know they have them. I get people. People think they know me. I know me. I know me very well. If you want to know me ask me who I am. During a conversation with my brother Danny he started getting all Brooklyn chonga on me, "Let's be real, Tania, let's be real! I know you. I KNOW you." Bitch... you KNEW me. I am near the end of a painful transition. People are constantly upset with me- that shit doesn't affect me anymore. People may think I'm being selfish and unfair. No... I am becoming my own person and just as I have been completely supportive to each and everyone of you mother fuckers I expect the same shit in return. Because I seriously accept everyone.
Yesterday my mom tried giving me advice about men. She said to leave them. Completely leave them to their own devices and when you stop answering their calls suddenly that's when they'll put in the work to get you back. I know that works, I've seen it done. But that's not me. I can't manipulate people anymore. Nope. I'll be supportive and caring and loving and by his side. I'm sure if he meets someone who sweeps him off his feet he won't think twice about breaking my heart. I accept that so although I'm not looking if someone comes into my life I'm not going to push them away for a "what if".
The annoying thing is that I know it isn't a "what if". People don't know him the way I do. I'm not some dumb kid who's crazy in love with another kid. I met the person who I feel most in sync with in the world and there was a time he felt the same and we tore each others insides out and torched them. It makes me sad that possibly the greatest thing that could happen to either one of us lies in the balance of someone who can't trust me. I know what he's capable of more than he knows. I believe in him. That probably doesn't matter though. People aren't as easy to forgive and trust as you are, Tania.
Ha. When I was younger I looked at my life as a tragedy because I always felt sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore but I accept the fact that life isn't fair. It's mainly unfair.
Life will do it's thing and fall into place the way it needs to. I'm inpatient but it's because I have big plans. I told that to Danny today. He told me I was being too hard on myself which I agreed with him but I know better so I must do better and always try my best. I have to try harder because my life isn't a tragedy- it's going to be the fucking dream I want it to be.
I'm making that happen for me and my future family. As I don't know if I've met my husband yet I guess I'll just have to ride this wave called life for myself. Danny is right, I need to be kinder to myself. Excited for Wednesday. Gonna be a spa day- pedicure, massage, brazilian. I can't wait!!! I'm gonna be so relaxed!!! I had a very productive day today. I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow I will do a little bit better than today. Baby steps.

No comments:

Post a Comment