Why do things happen the way they do? A guy flirted with me today and asked me if I was single. I told him I was single but it was complicated. He prodded a bit for information and I was honest and told him I'm in love with someone. He made a very subtle but powerful remark about letting things pass you by for other things that don't appreciate your time. Yeah I know... Then I mention it to dummy Derek and he tells me to go for it. Wonderful. I feel kinda like a moron...
I only feel that way because I'm taking his inability to express love personally. That shit's on him. I know I love him. I am looking for new friends so maybe I stumbled upon a new one but I'm in love with Derek. He's all I want... Even if he's a proud poopface.
I feel like this happened to make me realize I'm making a clear choice. Here comes another respectful dude who actually wants to be around you and get to know you... And you're choosing the one who only just recently admitted you're friends... If anyone knew of this they would tell me I'm making the wrong decision. I did tell one person and he said, "Go out with the dude. If Derek feel bothered then he has to admit to himself that he cares about you."
I don't work like that.
I believe people should be treated with dignity and respect. I'm not going to play games trying to manipulate him into saying he loves me. I don't really care whether he does or doesn't. He's my stupid puzzle piece. I feel like I have the strength of 10 Tanias when he's in my life. Something about him makes me want to push harder, fix things, be more. I remember now why I used to believe in soulmates...
Whatever I have with Derek now makes me happy and makes me feel healthy and whole. I love my life now as stressful as it has been. It has the potential to be really fulfilling. I will never give up on him. I mean if he decides to shut me out completely I'll move on but if he ever wants to be friends he will always have my love and support. I've owe him a lot. I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. I want to share my gratitude with him everyday. I want to love him always. Maybe one day he'll say something similar back... probs not.