Purpose.

Later I will elaborate but right now all I want to say is, "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" I am so happy it's ridiculous! Finally my life is coming together and although it's not exactly as I had always planned it to be I have finally proven myself right. I do have a purpose in this life and I am finally fulfilling it. I am overjoyed. OVERJOYED I SAID!!!! AHHHHHHH!
That is all for now. :)

I deserve a piece of pie

Tonight sitting in my car looking up at the moon I mentioned to an old friend how I would love to fall in love with a sweet guy. "You deserve someone sweet" he said back to me in a husky monotone. Yes, I do, don't I? It hit me- the simplicity of it and how I would love that to happen to me. I don't need someone famous or insanely successful I just need someone to love me and make me feel safe. Someone who won't be afraid of loving me because they know they would never ever hurt me and I want to know that I would do the same for them. Perhaps it's too romantic for anyone to wish for but this is my wish; my desire. I want to be held close when I'm cold and to be given reassuring hugs and soft kisses on my forehead letting me know the feeling is mutual. I want to look in their eyes and see myself there and know I'm honestly the only person they're thinking about. I want to be trusted. A real fresh start. It would be wonderful to find that.
I am over feeling like men are my drug. I just want to be loved. I don't want to need it I just want to feel it. Everyone deserves love in their life. I know that from now on if I find the right person. I won't make any mistakes. I will be patient and kind and understanding. I've made enough mistakes for a lifetime and I know that another good relationship will never fall for any reasoning on my own. I know I will be a good partner, not always the best but really good. I'm not going to say I'm not ready for a relationship. Today maybe I feel like I would be able to handle the commitment but it's too soon after all the pain and hurt to say that I'm completely over it. I am still healing and I'm not looking for a band aid. But is it so bad to wish that someone could one day resemble the new skin that develops above the scar? The smooth skin that will time helps fade the scar of the past. I wonder what compels me to be such a hopeless romantic... Maybe because I feel like I deserve it. Now anyway.

You Can Grow

So I was right about not believing I could survive getting hurt again. But here I am broken once more putting the pieces back together. I've been beaten and battered and really tried hard not to make it through this time. As silly as death is it had really become a better option than having to do this all over again. I have a good support system and my friends gave interlocked their love like a net to break my fall. It's been really nice feeling loved even though he's not in my life anymore. I no longer feel alone which is amazing. I hardly miss the old me and I refuse to talk about it to anyone but my therapist. It's like a wound that's scabbing. I don't want to be reminded constantly how silly it was that I fell I just hope that once it's healed the scars won't be too noticeable. Unfortunately, I fear that these scars will be mangled and disfiguring... I was ready to leave everything I loved behind for the affection of one person. Now I have the affection of over 15.
The price I had to pay to finally get the support and help I needed was people being fearful of my mental stability but fuck it, all great artists have a breakdown once in their life. This is my quarter-life crisis. I expect various others in the future.
The other day I was speaking to my bud and was expressing how Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind had the right idea and how I wish I could erase the last 5 years of my life and start over. His response? "I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason like some people, sometimes things just happen. But that's life, so you can grow." These words and the love I feel from all my friends and family have wrapped me up in a warm cocoon- keeping me safe from the darkness that so desperately attempts to make it's way in my heart. Derek is no longer good for me, maybe he never was. He was my drug and I need to kick the habit. He does not control my happiness anymore. For so long I was sucked in to his pull knowingly allow myself to be dragged under into what was just an unhealthy situation. But unhealthy is all I've known for so long. I need non-crazy in my life and for right now I think I have it.