Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Pulling Weeds

Thinking your brother is being shady and stealing from you is one thing, having it be confirmed is heartbreaking. I feel like telling him off- at least telling him how I feel- but there's no point in that. I can let out my anger but that'll just cause an argument. Or... I can calmly tell him how he hurt me, he won't care and then I'll feel worse until I realize that it's his own issues. I'm just going to get to the part where I don't talk to him until one of our relatives die or something. 

Moving out was the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. Like seriously up to par with being a nurse. My mom called and asked why I didn't stay at their place... My parents are super religious and super judgmental and super controlling. They would have made my meals and done my laundry and snooped through my stuff. They enable zero independence. I wanna live my fucking life. I've been waiting my whole life to start living. I'm 25. This is my life. It's mine to live. I was dominated by fear most my life but I refuse to let that control me anymore. 

Derek and I have been through a lot, I'm glad we've been able to become such good friends after everything. He's been an immense help. I saw his grandparents the other day. It had been something I was dreading but I was greeted with warm smiles. We caught up. It was nice. When they left they both gave me a big hug and Derek's grandmother told me I was a strong woman, she always believed I would accomplish good things then she invited me to their house. It was a nice gesture considering it's been a lot of years and the last time I was in their grandson's life I had a serious meltdown. Whether it's genuine non-judgment or just words I wish I had that growing up- kind acceptance. I always have appreciated them. 

Yesterday I was pulling weeds which were overgrown on a patio. It's strenuous work but I like pulling weeds. There's something cleansing about getting dirty and ripping out weeds. As the patio, which I helped paint many years ago, was slowly uncovered it felt very symbolic to everything I've been through. All the abuse and trauma I've been forced through are those weeds, stubborn and unsightly, covering up everything that was ever there until all you see are weeds and nothing of what was originally there is visible. Pulling up those weeds felt like I was ripping through years of her, disappointment, anger, defeat. With each rip the patio was uncovered much like these last few months of self discovery. I've been pulling up all these useless traumas that have taken room inside of me filling me with bitter anger and regret. Finally I am a whole me again.

A lot of people and things have been reminding me of Derek's past. I feels like I'm being tested. My mom called me the other day attempting to implant little drops of poison in my brain about Derek. I just want to focus on the person in my life right now. We are both different people. He's a great friend. He has been respectful, kind, honest and considerate. I hope I have been treating him the same way.  I'm so appreciative. 

I think this will be my last blog post on here. I've healed most of the wounds that were holding my back to the old me. Letting go of the need for my family's acceptance was the last thing I needed to let go of. I feel at peace for the first time in my life. I'm no longer waiting to start my life... I'm living it.

Plus... This blog is called "Somebody... Someday" and I happen to be 'somebody' now. :) 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Let Love Lead the Way

Life is a very long and sad joke... Maybe not for everyone but I feel it is for me. I hope death is just a never ending dream. I hope if you're good and you die your heaven is living the fantasies you created in your mind. Because Lord knows my fantasies are much more satisfying, romantic and full of love and understanding than reality. 

It makes me sad how hurtful and disrespectful people can be. I'm just trying to live my own life and be happy and healthy and do all that the best way I can. I've learned how to be kind, respectful of boundaries and patient. I feel like so many people who have come and gone in my life have been extremely emotionally unhealthy. 

For the time being I'm just going to grow on my own. If others want to join me that's fine but I'm no longer waiting around to be loved. I love myself and treat myself with kindness and respect. Because I can treat myself with love, respect and kindness, I refuse to tolerate mistreatment. You don't want to love me? It's fine, I don't need your love. You wanna try to ruin my life and drag me down? I can't imagine how overwhelming it must feel to be so envious, bitter and unhappy with your own life. I'm sorry you're so hurt. Wanna spread rumors and lies? That's fine. Venomous words and actions don't penetrate my soul anymore because I understand that misery loves company. I also understand you're probably not trying to be a hurtful person on purpose. 

Hurt people hurt people. I'm no longer wounded. I have a complete sense of my self worth. Derek helped me realize that I've lived my whole life in fear and under loads of other individual's stress. His acknowledgement of how strong and good and successful I am has given me the reinforcement I needed to stand up to the people I feared the most. His friendship and support has enabled me to take command over my life. For years I thought I was so forgiving of abuse because I was a good person- the bigger person. The truth is I was a scared little girl. I do forgive everyone, I always will. Who am I to judge anyone for making a mistake? But I do not have to tolerate anyone's abuse. 

My mom used to tell me about how in the Bible Jesus says that if someone hurts you to forgive them but if they continue then to forgive and go on your way, shaking the dust off your feet, leaving them and all their hurt behind you. Ironically, she was talking about Derek and not herself. Unfortunately, people only see what they want to see. Derek has been supportive, kind and endlessly understanding. My family? Not so much. 

Thinking of how much money and support I've given my brother in the last year and how nasty he still is is heartbreaking. I understand why he was that way and for a long time I thought that because I was helping him out I was being compassionate. Truth is I'm just afraid of not being loved. I gave and gave to him and it was never enough, I never received thanks or acknowledgement. With someone like who I used to be, being treated badly like that just makes you want to try harder. "Maybe if I help him more he'll be kinder and love me." Nope... Abusive people just know how to take and manipulate. Victims, like myself, just keep tolerating the abuse because we've been trained to believe that saying no just leads to worse consequences. And suddenly I realize every bad thing that's happened to me can be contributed to my upbringing... Fucked up people shouldn't raise kids... 

No one will ever love you or respect you if you don't love and respect yourself. Everyone says that all the time but it is the absolute truth. It isn't because that person's unlovable, it's because they will keep fucking up because they don't believe they deserve love. A good man can come into a woman's life, show her love and understanding; he can forgive her for her mistakes and instability time and time again because he loves her that much. But because she loathes herself she will keep fucking it up without even realizing or recognizing it- either by lying/cheating, being a miserable person or constantly comparing and being unappreciative for what she has. Then when he leaves she can say, "See, he never really loved me. Everyone always leaves." Repeat cycle with next boyfriend. We abuse the ones we love because we are insecure and feel inferior. 

Once you truly love yourself and believe you are good and worthy, life will fall into place because you love yourself enough to make your aspirations reality. People are cruel and I've spent a lot of years sad and stunted because of that. So although I started this post tearful and sad, I now feel confident and happy because I've reminded myself that their cruelty has nothing to do with me. I know I have my own back. I know that I am good and people will love me. I know that I will never ruin another relationship or push the people who are truly loving out of my life again. I've lived in fear of my family's judgment my whole life. Yesterday everything changed, a full 24 hours has passed, I am still happy and even more confident and sure about my decision. All are welcome in my heart but only the kind and respectful will remain by my side.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Seeing Clearly

Sometimes our minds play tricks on us. My family is really unhealthy for me right now, their abuse was messing with my head. When we dated before Derek could tell you how much my parents dictated my life and the relationship. Those tyrants loved power and control and they both overpowered and controlled my every move.

I have no pictures of my high school graduation because my parents were in bad moods. Derek wasn't allowed to come with us celebrate after. I remember being so happy to find him on the track. He was smiling with my favorite flowers and a big hug. He was warm and loving and happy for me. I remember looking over my shoulder and my family sternly standing, watching me with disapproving hawk eyes, sucking out the happiness around them. I remember them rushing me to go get dinner. It was a miserable meal, my parents were fighting the entire time then everyone stopped talking all together. All I could think was, "Why am I here? Why am I not at dinner with someone who loves me and is happy for me celebrating my graduation?" My parents wouldn't let me out that night, you know, just my high school graduation, only everyone was having a party or at project graduation having a great time. I spent the night crying in my room at the fact that my parents ruined another milestone in my life and instead of feeling liberated like everyone else I felt trapped and alone.

Late that night when my parents were asleep my brother covered for me and Derek snuck into the backyard. He brought me ice cream, listened to me vent and succeeded at making me laugh. As we cuddled on my trampoline in the summer night air, I knew I would love this person always.

Seven years later (give a few months) he sat in front of me at dinner smiling with that twinkle in his eye that lets me know I'm being admired. It was an adorable night of two adults having a great time together. We talked about our families, reminisced about the past, and talked about our time apart. I chuckled so hard my belly hurt and learned new and interesting things about him...

I can't emphasize how completely myself I get to be in front of him. Whether it's Frowny Face Double Chin Tania or Latina Bombshell Maxi dress Tania, I feel just as beautiful. I can be nerdy and sexy and silly and completely ridiculous and he enjoys it. I honestly don't think anyone in my family has ever met the real me. Not Guarded Tania, or Crazy Tania, or Princess Tania- Just Tania. I don't know how he feels but he's definitely my best friend.

In the past I allowed my family to stop me from being who I wanted to be and loving who I wanted to love. Fuck that. I wanna be with my man and get tattoos and travel the world and become a human rights advocate and investigate many religions and philosophies. I want my goodness to always be genuine and I want to help as many people as I can. I'm finally getting it... I think the start of a whole new chapter in my life is about to begin...

Holy poop :)

Confusing Protection with Judgment

The last two months Derek has been nothing but respectful about my family; he doesn't make comments, doesn't share judgements. In the last two months my family has been falling into a downward spiral of criticism, poisonous words and judgements. Derek has consistently been a good friend and endlessly supportive. Everyone else has been a bunch of assholes honestly. I don't know how many times I have to hear, "I pray every day that God sends you a good man who knows how to respect you and understand you and love you." Um... okay but then shut your mouth and trust me when I tell you I think he already did.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

Everyone has said this to me. The ironic thing is most of the people saying this are constantly hurting me. My family has waged a full on war against my self esteem and self worth. I left something at my parents, so I stopped by earlier to get it. I had about the most poisonous 6 minute conversations in my life and everyone's voice was pretty relaxed. My mother tried to asked me how life was going. I said okay. "Just okay?" I pretended to get distracted by something and walked away. When I came back to say goodbye she started talking immediately about my brother (who even though they're buying him a car he's being picky and making requests). I stood silently waiting for her to be done. My dad interrupted and started complaining as well and saying stuff like, "If they want to be adults and live their own lives then they have to stop coming back trying to get Mami and Papi to pay for everything." I nodded.

"Why are you nodding?" my mother asked.
"Because I agree."
"You do it too, everyone does, everyone comes here so we can solve their problems including you so I don't know why you're nodding."
"Because I agree. I don't plan on coming here to ask for help with my problems anymore."
"Oh, good. I'll believe it when I see it."
"What's your deal? We're all evil and ruining your life?"
"No, just for people who are so concerned with my safety and sanity you're extremely cruel. Jr got in my face arguing yesterday because I said no to him and then asked me to use my car today. I feel like no one respects me and that needs to change so I have to change. That means not depending on people who hurt me."
"Whatever! I've seen you in arguments Tania, you can play innocent but you have a terrible temper and probably started it. You can be extremely disrespectful and have disrespected even me."
"So now you were there during the argument?" I laughed, "I didn't start it but thanks for letting me know what you think. I have been doing nothing but trying to be a good person and live my life and make my dreams come true. I don't pick fights, I'm not that person anymore. I defend myself when I feel attacked and disrespect when disrespected. I don't want to be that person anymore either."
"So I've disrespected you in the past?"
"...Yeah..." She rolled her eyes.
"Well I'm glad, hopefully you won't let anyone disrespect you ever again so you don't have to come crying back here."
"That's the plan... This has been really helpful. I've been feeling bad about taking a step back and taking a break from everyone but the last 5 minutes have been very reassuring to the fact that I'm making the right decision. You know what? You couldn't ask for a better daughter. I am smart and dedicated and kind and successful. I love and accept everyone. You want plastic surgery, whatever makes you happy! Papi wants hair? Wonderful, you look great! Danny can love whoever he wants and Rudy can have children out of wedlock and Jr can do whatever he wants with his personal life I love and accept all of you. I make ANY decision you guys don't agree with and all of you become venomous abusive individuals who hurt and manipulate until I change my life. This family tears me apart inside. So Yeah... I'm not going to be coming here with my problems anymore. I want people in my life who are kind, respectful, loving and accepting. Until people can stop judging me and just love me for who I am, I'm gonna take a step back and do my own thing for a while."

I'm no longer afraid of them not loving me. I'd rather be who I am, alone, then unhappily being who others coerce me to be with their abusive words and judgmental comments.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Refusing to Be a Push Over

My hands are trembling. I'm sitting here in my bed crying out the aftereffects of a panic attack. Four bare walls in a messy room. This is all I have. The brother I live with got really angry this morning. In a nutshell he asked for $250, I said no, he proceeded to have a tantrum when I called him out on his tantrum he stood in the doorway of my room insulting me as I vainly pushed my door close on him like a child against an intruder and pleaded with him to get out of my space. He just stood there with his foot in the door trying to tell me that his reaction was my fault. He told me I needed to have thicker skin and how I'm condescending and full of myself and selfish and so great at "playing the victim"... As I held back tears and made my voice steady from behind the door I yelled, "Hey! I've told you to leave- that is a boundary, you crossed it. I am now trying to close my fucking door to created a PHYSICAL BOUNDARY and you are literally fucking crossing it! You are out of control now move your fucking foot!" the door slammed and I locked it and immediately started getting ready for work blinking out tears and refusing my body to stop or think or do anything besides get ready for work and get the fuck out of the house. From the other side of the door he said, "See I can step back, unlike some people. I didn't hit you in the face! I'm not you!"
"Quit instigating, you're arguing with yourself." 

He was referring to the last time we argued. It was February or March, we argued because I let him borrow my car and he was late to pick me up. When he arrived Alec wouldn't get out of (my) front seat and then Alec proceeded to call me a bitch and a whore and when he told me to "Fuck off" I pushed the back of his head and told him no one has the right to disrespect me. To which he responded, "I'm gonna fucking kill you." When we got out of the car I stood in front of him and told him to go ahead and kill me. He rolled his eyes and Jr got in the way and began defending Alec... Who had just been super disrespectful and threatened my life... When I brought up how incredibly fucked up that was he instead turned the situation around and started yelling at me. Now I will admit I should have just walked away but I continued arguing with them both, angry at their disrespect and my brother's lack of... even caring about it. At one point my brother backed me up in a corner. I told him to move back, he didn't. He proceeded to prod my forehead with his index finger. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Don't touch me again." He continued yelling then I watched it all happen in slow motion. He picked up his finger, poked my forehead and without me controlling it I watched as my fist made it's way to his face. I unclenched my hand and tried to stop my arm but momentum had taken over and I hit Jr in the face, hard. He back up stunned and I ran to the door way. I wish I could say those were the only two times but it wasn't. He's never hit me, no one in my family ever has, but with poisonous words and hateful actions they successfully scarred me and clouded my perception of reality for years. My brother treats no one else this way. My 15 year old nephew receives more respect from him than me. 

I wonder what it is about me that people think they can disrespect me the way they do. Ugh... I feel like this beating is not ending. My blood is boiling at how hurtful and abusive the people in my life still are. 

I feel very alone. If I could move out right this second I would but I have no place to go. I don't have enough savings because my manchild brother bullies it out of me when I'm not nice enough to just hand it over. I don't want to see any of my family, so all of them are out of the question and... end of options. If Derek offered I don't think I would be able to stay with him. I care about him deeply and am very glad he's in my life but he doesn't want a relationship and I refuse to blur those lines anymore- it's too painful. Everything he says now, I remind myself we're just friends. 
"Haha, you're adorable!" as a friend... 
"[I'm always here to] show you that your happiness will always be important to me..." because we're friends. 
It's been helpful in keeping me grounded. I understand friends can live together but I know I would end up feeling resentful. I'm trying to keep that friendship as healthy as I can.  

So I sit here, eyes brimming with angry tears, feeling inadequate, abused, tired, alone but extremely determined. I am definitely never going to be taken advantage of or abused ever again. I get that everyone has their issues but the day is over when people who love me feel they can talk to me like I'm small and insignificant. I'm not a child, I'm not weak and I am nobody's punching bag. Many people confuse my kindness and open heart and forgiveness for weakness but fuck that. I forgive, sure but you're getting put in timeout indefinitely because I don't have to put up with that behavior. I feel myself pushing everyone out to arms length. 
Current Goal: I will get my shit together, get my own place and become a recluse for awhile. I need time to heal and currently the healthiest relationship in my life, and only one I trust, is my relationship with myself. 

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Love Yourself, Dummy

Today I did something I try never to do. I stood naked in front of a mirror and looked at myself. I took in the color of my skin, the curves of my body. I looked at myself up and down, stared at the areas of greatest imperfection. My weight these last 5 years has fluctuated dramatically. I'm currently losing weight slowly but I'm not as concerned as I used to be. I recognize now my exterior is only one factor in why I find myself beautiful. I am funny, kind, loving, thoughtful, generous and smart. Those things make me so much more beautiful than long legs and fast metabolism ever will.  When I was looking at my body I found it funny that right now as chubby as I am is when I finally appreciate my beauty. My body reminds me of the women in old Victorian paintings- soft, delicate, desirable. When I was little I remember always wanting to touch their skin. I ran my fingers along my waist and smiled; it was as comforting and feminine and beautiful and soft as I imagined.

When I was a size 2 I was so worried all the time. My imperfections governed my life. I don't know how Derek or anyone used to put up with it. My weight isn't something that bothers me anymore. I want to be healthy and I am working at that goal I just want to take on one project at a time. I'm only one person and essentially I'm learning this growing up thing on my own. Working, getting my budget in order and getting my own place is what I need right now.

All I've ever wanted my whole life was stability. When I didn't find stability in a loving family I searched elsewhere; relationships became my new stability. When relationships fail or people hurt me or leave me or what have you that rocks my very (weak) foundation. That constant thing that I had in my life is no longer there. The healthy thing I was supposed to learn during my childhood is how to be my own stability. That's what I'm doing now. I've been angry the last few days because I feel like I don't really have a support system. I don't want my parent's help anymore. I'm angry at them for crippling me. My defiance will be living well and not letting them take credit for my hard work. If I hear someone say, "You've done a wonderful job raising your daughter," I'm gonna cut into that conversation and say, "Thank you. It was a lot of hard work."

If you can catch the animosity that's how I feel most of the time having to do all this shit on my own. I know it's wasted energy, I understand my parents didn't know any better, the anger comes with the fact that they are still super fucked up and judgmental. I love them, they are good people deep down but they are really unhealthy human beings. My therapist mentioned that my mother only speaks in passive aggressive sentences. She nailed it. My mom is the queen of passive aggressive and my father's just the king of aggression. They told me what to do my whole life then the second I decided I wanted to make my own decisions they were like, "Okay, see ya!" and essentially abandoned me. I'm not angry at them, they are hurt and full of years of toxic resentment, I understand them, I just need time to heal without them reopening wounds and weighing down on the foundation I have so far. They aren't healthy for me right now. All I end up doing is trying to solve their problems for them which isn't even helping them. Also, who's been solving mine?

I talked to Lisa and Jamie last night. They both gently brought me back to reality. I was overwhelmed and convinced I was sucking at everything. I'm pushing off school to the Spring just to give myself time to recover and learn and adjust without the added pressure of assignments and presentations. It makes me feel really guilty that I'm doing this. Lisa's 29 and she laughed at me. "Tania, I'm 3.5 years older than you and we are in the exact same positions in our lives. Relax, you've been through a lot and you're doing a great job. Even if it takes you two whole years to get everything in order you'll still be ahead of where I am right now. I didn't figure out what I wanted to do til a couple of years ago. You've got these visions and determination... Slow down... Go at your own pace, you're already ahead of the game girl." After she said that I realized how I had allowed last week's obstacles cloud my perception. I was that neurotic, anxious girl worried about what everyone was thinking. Gross. When Jamie and I talked I mentioned I was overwhelmed, "Well T, for what it's worth I'm extremely proud of you. You've accomplished great things already in your short life so don't be so hard on yourself. You're working really hard. Take a step back and breathe, go on vacation, you deserve to treat yourself."

I know I'm dumb. I'm crying because I have no support system and I have great friends. Adulthood just doesn't ever let me see them. Best years of our lives and they're spent soaking in fluorescent lighting, completely the same mundane tasks over and over again. I'm growing up. Growing up sucks. I wanna change that and make it an adventure but everyone is too tangled up in their own pain, grief and fear.

Percy and I got together tonight after weeks of attempting to meet. It was really nice. We talked about parenting and family and life. She would be the perfect daughter for my parents, lol. We were talking and I kept saying I wasn't strong enough to deal certain situations and how overwhelmed I was. She piped up and said,"You keep using words like 'fragile,' 'weak,' 'damaged.' Quite honestly I don't see any of that in the person sitting in front of me. I see an intelligent and determined young woman who has overcome every obstacle and challenge that has been placed in front of her. I see a woman who has experienced the worst in people and yet every time I see her her smile lights up a whole room with light and love. Seriously, I've never seen someone smile so genuinely. The woman I see in front of me is very strong, successful, and won't let anything stop her from making her dreams come true."

... Obviously I cried. I need to read The Four Agreements again. I've been letting other's perceptions of me fog up what is true.

Someone said to me today, "I pray a strong, hot, successful man comes into your life and gives you the stability you deserve." I replied with, "Thank you but I'm gonna be my own stability. People are fickle and hurtful. What if I marry that man and he gives me 18 years of stability. But 4 kids later he decides the 19 year old from up the street has a lonely vagina? Well... there goes my stability. I can and have been taking care of myself. If a supportive, kind, funny, intellectual man wants to join me on my journey I will be more than happy to have company but if he decides to hop out before the ride's over I'll be okay because I'm my own stability."

Dear Tania,
You're doing a great job. It's been a very hard year... I am very proud of you for never giving up and always learning from your experiences. You let go of the hurt, victimized and jaded girl and you are full of hope and happiness and purpose again. You are very kind, lovable and resilient. Please be kinder to yourself and allow yourself to feel pride in your accomplishments. You've completely changed your life and are becoming the woman you always said you wanted to be. You affect people positively even if lately it doesn't feel that way. You make a difference in the lives of your patients. You are loved by many people but if the whole world abandons you I will still believe in you and be with you and always love you. I promise to love you the exact way you've always wanted to be loved because you deserve nothing less.
Yourself, dummy.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Letting Go of Childish Hopes

I've had a traumatic last 7 days. Danny told me I was a disappointment, my mother told me I had no self respect and called me a hussy for sleeping over Derek's, and I slept with Derek and got my hopes up because my vagina is directly connected to the love center of my brain. That coupled with the fact that he was buying me gifts and talking about a future... Whatever, moral of the story: Tania is a fucking moron and makes the same motherfucking mistakes over and over again. Honestly, a really bad week over all. Like for a second I was really happy but thankfully I was jolted back to reality where people are selfish and hurtful and that's just life. Everyone else is back to their lives, Danny liking my statuses, my mother happily playing Candy Crush, Derek living his life. Here I am unable to let it go. This isn't like me...

I feel like the light within me has been blown out. As if all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. Today although I wanted to just stay in bed forever I got up and went to work. I did my job more diligently and effectively than I ever have. I ran errands, came home, walked my dog, ran more errands and here I am. The entire time I felt completely empty. It felt meaningless. I've decided if this is how I feel from now on it sucks but it's bearable. I'll do my job well, if I help people cool if I don't it means the same. I'll take my money and put it away. Talked to my budget lady today, she's going to help me get an apartment. There I'll just have to worry about my needy Linus and myself. I'll put my money away, maybe go back to school. Everything is blank after that. Today I saw a sign for an adoption and foster parent organization and thought, "Well if I'm 35 and single..." I miss cheery Tania... I feel empty because three very important people in my life hurt my feelings within days of one another. It used to be if I just had to deal with one of those the downward spiral would commence... I am growing up after all. 

Sitting here now I see that though they all communicated their feelings in hurtful ways, I learned something from all of them. Danny telling me he was disappointed in me and generally being a dummy made me feel extra accountable. "I am going to live my life well and do well at work and do well at school and I'm going to do it on my own," and I have been. My mother told me I have no self respect along with other hurtful and out of line things but she was kinda right. I really don't respect myself the way I should.

Derek didn't do anything wrong when it comes to my woes with him. I'm not even upset about him canceling- it was a miscommunication, hopefully it won't happen again. What broke my heart was that we slept together the other night. I wasn't prepared for that, it just happened and it was passionate and it was good and then we talked after about us and our soulmateship and how we felt... I can't do that and I know I can't do that but I always forget in the moment. If I'm having no strings attached sex I need to know about it so I can lock my feelings up and put them in a safe place they won't get hurt. I went over that night to just spend time with him and whoops there's that. I should know better. I'm too fragile and sensitive for that shit anymore. 

No one is going to regard my feelings as highly as I do and I need to stop thinking it's ever going to be different. People are naturally selfish and egocentric and sometimes they have bad days. I spend my life helping other people because no one should go through a difficult time alone. I look at myself now and I feel very much alone. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family but unfortunately everyone has their own lives and their own problems. Ultimately the only person who will always have my best interest in mind is myself. The only thing I can control is how I interact with the world around me. When people are unkind or hurtful it's because of their own conflicts within themselves. I am a good nurse, I am a good daughter, I am a good sister and I have all the components to being a good partner. After last week I felt I was questioning everything about myself. 

Now that I figured out what was wrong I feel my lungs fill with more air and I can feel my light flickering on. I need to take everyone else's actions with a grain of salt. People are fickle and flawed. I just need to be smarter. I AM more into Derek than he is into me and I really need to stop it. Derek, as sweet and considerate and thoughtful as he can be, he isn't in love with me. I am nothing to him. I need to stop forgetting that and start respecting and protecting myself accordingly. I'm not a child anymore. I need to stop allowing myself to get carried away with childish hopes and live in reality where we slept together, it meant nothing, we're still buds, the end. Cognitively, I know that sex is meaningful and intimate for me and that I catch feelings. My heart/emotions is the dumb, insecure 16 year old girl who allows that shit to happen, probably thinking, "If I have sex with him maybe he'll love me." I need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a dumb little slut. I have allowed myself to be used. From the door he's said, "I'm not in love with you and I don't want you to be my girlfriend," and I'm all like, "We'll here's my heart and my vagina and my whole future if you want it. Let me know if you change your mind. Take your time!" How incredibly pathetic.

I am successful, intelligent, beautiful, kind and deserving of love. I need to start treating myself with the respect I deserve.