Saturday, July 24, 2010

Invisible Embrace

Every night before I go to sleep I close my eyes and imagine you holding me tight...

So I have found it in my heart to love again... well to like deeply again, lol. My last relationship ended in disaster and heartache but ultimately showed me that sometimes you just need to walk away. I've been emotionally and physically beaten and battered. Am I better for it? No, but I know never to be so stupid again. I'm now learning to open myself up and to just live no matter what happens. Picking myself up has been very fulfilling. For the first time ever I live to make me happy. My appearance and my weight aren't ruling my life anymore. Although I will never chop off all my hair again I know how liberating it feels to focus on other things in life then making guys look at me. I am becoming very secure with myself and what I want out of life.
Although tragedy keeps knocking at my door I will no longer play the blubbering fool. I can stand up and take charge. I can enjoy my life. I can love my life. And for right now... I do.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The cloud machine never sleeps

"On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps.
Like the burning desire I have for you
it can never be haulted.
Lights glow bright in the midnight sky
I wonder what your arms feel like.
will the honey spill over and make me feel whole again?
I wonder if you think of me.
On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps
it's all just a joke anyway..."

I validate myself through other people and I need to learn how to love myself on my own. My heart has broken and my ego crushed so many fricken times. I have become an object to everyone. A trophy to my parents and just the shell of a person to most of my love interests. If only I was just a blow up doll then they wouldn't have to deal with my pesky personality they can't stand so much. I am nothing but an object to everyone, including myself. I fear no one will ever just want me for who I am as a person. They all want to change me to make me this Perfect Tania. What's so wrong with me that I'm not that perfect version of myself right now? What gives everyone I love in my life the right to hurt me so much? It just seems the more people get to know me the more they want to change me... Perhaps that says something about me. Maybe I'm just bound to be unlovable... This all frustrates me and leaves me feeling extremely incomplete.

"Tonight I hold myself close because you're all slowly ruining me"

What will I focus on when I am finally happy? When men and food are no longer a preoccupation... I will have so much free time one my hands.

Did I just melt a little when I looked in your eyes? Nope it's just the thousand degree weather...

Monday, July 5, 2010

In Limbo

There comes a point in a person's life when they aren't a child anymore but yet they aren't an adult either. I'm at this point. I just graduated college so essentially my life is starting and the good times are about to roll. Essentially. But since my recent break up from my first love and the fact that I have to wait til a bunch of paper goes through to the state before I can start a big girl job I am stuck in a very depressing Limbo where I am alone and unhappy. I am unable to relax I have been told. So Limbo feels like a very small room that just gets smaller with each passing day. I know by September things will pick up and I'll be a big girl but my heart and spirit are so broken right now that all I can concentrate on is complaining.

Recently I decided that writing used to... if not make me happy help me through difficult times. So here's a collection of blurbs and poems I've written in the past month.

"Beneath the stars he kisses me
holds me close-we become entwined
the air sweet with honeysuckles and grass.
The breeze cool-his breath warm
all the anger and bitterness melts away
as we become one beneath the stars."

"Seeking a connection I kiss his lips
I stroke his chest.
In the end my body is satisfied
Conscious clean
Yet I still do not attain what it is
I am looking for...
What is it that I am looking for?"

"She lies there pathetically mourning her loss. So much time and energy wasted. So much fucking pain. All over again she had to pull herself together and be strong. She was left unwanted and unliked. Most regrettably she was left all alone. Always fucking alone."

"Waking up when the sun is setting is routine for someone who feels forsaken."

"Tonight I weep
to release you from
my heart"

That's all for now. As you see they get progressively more depressing. Oh depression how you inspire so many cliches in my art form.

until next time...