I'm frustrated with myself. I'm so willing to let people in and forgive and accept them but I have really never gotten that in return. It's because people suck. I'm so conflicted about whether or not I'm going to teach my kids forgiveness and compassion. "Here baby, here's a quality that's going to make EVERYBODY around you feel soft and cuddly and loved and appreciated. What do you get in return? Well sweetie, def not what you give out." Awesome. Also, pouring out my head on social media needs to stop. Mainly just this blog.
I'm just whining because I'm annoyed with pretty much everyone in my life including myself. I need a vacation. The massage was the biggest tease. I wanna go away and just lay around for like an entire week doing nothing but tanning and being pampered. Fuck it, I'm gonna save up and go somewhere awesome where I can take a breath away from reality. Life can get so stressful at times.
I think people mistake my desires for expectations. I can say "I wanna go on vacation" but if december rolls around and I still haven't had time for a vacation I'm not going to jump off a cliff. I would like it to happen but if it doesn't its not going to be the end of my world because I'm an adult dammit, and by definition adults are NOT babies! haha. That's dedicated to all the poopheads.
I like don't really give a poo what people are thinking it just annoys me that people can't be more understanding and compassionate and shit. Its really not that hard. You just think, "How can I make this person feel happy and cared about and supported?" and then you fucking do it.

Today I had the privilege of meeting this amazing hispanic family with a little boy with a degenerative disease. They were wealthy and well educated but probably the most humble and grateful people I've met.  I was in such awe at all the love and dedication this mother had to offer her children. Her little boy is slowly going to die because his muscles are going to stop functioning until his heart (which is also a muscle) is too weak to pump, that is if he doesn't have a stroke or seizure which could take him first. Fuck. It's hard shit. I love my patients but it takes a special kind of nurse to be there for the family when a child dies. I can't do it. My heart breaks for the family. I empathize to the point of losing myself in their pain. That's not fair to them. I wouldn't want to take away from their grief. My mother says sharing their grief is meaningful. I'm just not strong enough yet, but I hope to be someday. I cry with my patients all the time. I feel like such a baby but they don't seem to mind. I dunno, whatever. Today wasn't horrible just a little emotional.
That mother today was an inspiration to me. To have a doctor say, "your toddler is going to die slowly and painfully and there's nothing we can do about it" and then her response be, "Okay, we're going to give him as much love and attention and the absolute best quality of life for as long as he is here." Fuck. That's an amazing fucking woman. I wanna be like her. Ha, just realized I want to have the same qualities I spent half this post complaining about. Jebus, I'm a hot mess, lol.

I feel better. My annoyance is itty bitty compared to that mom's actual problems. God, I can be so selfish and silly sometimes.
  

Always Leave Room for Zen

"I'm not the same person." I feel like I've said this 300 times to every one in the last week. Possibly more. Life has been stressful, frustrating and exhausting so today I took the day for myself. I had a gift card for a massage and decided to take advantage of it. It was exactly what I needed. 90 minutes of complete serenity emptied out my brain and let me see everything for what it is. I'm not concerned about anything anymore- worrying is completely fruitless. All I can do is continue being the person I am and hope that people will love me anyway. I can't make everyone happy so I just have to worry about making myself happy. Others' frustrations are not my frustrations.
I'm going to spend my time and energy living my life and creating boundaries with everyone. I feel like I was letting myself get sucked down the rabbit hole for a second there. I need to stay strong and just remember to put what I want first. I love my family but their view of me being a damsel in distress isn't going to change until I show them that's not who I am and I don't need their protection.
I just want to live my life and during that massage I think something in my brain clicked and I really finally got it. Here's what I have to do... LIVE MY LIFE. The end. There's no smoke or lights or hoops to jump through. I will just continue wanting what is best for myself and then doing that. I'm excited to live the life I want. I feel like I broke some type of chain within me which I didn't know was tethering me down.
Everyone in my family is getting massages for special occassions from now on. These jerks need some moments of Zen in their lives.

The Universe sends some Clarity

Writing helps. I feel like my whole world has been thrown up in the air and I'm waiting to see where I land. It's a very uncertain time but I know no matter what I will be happy and get through it. This is just another challenge to overcome. My life experiences have made me more open to spirituality. Praying comforts a lot of my patient's families, so to soothe their anxiety I sit and pray with them if it's something they want to do. It doesn't matter what religion they are. There's something about genuinely hoping for the same positive thing that brings mutual respect among strangers.

Today I prayed. For clarity and understanding and help. Then I meditated (bible, journal, lana del rey) and discovered my answers. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to hurt anyone. The way those things happen are by being selfish. You can have the best purest intentions and still be selfish. That's what I've been acting.

I play this game, I've played it since I was little and my mom taught me. Whenever I'm scared or anxious or upset I pick up the Bible and hold it close to my chest and I ask God what I need help with or what's troubling me. Then with my eyes closed, at random, I flip open the Bible and read. I do this 3 times. Without fail they've always had a theme and I always feel better.

Today the theme was "be patient and have faith." I'm sure it doesn't seem too impressive but it was the passages I read that were what was impressive. One verse in particular-

My heart is overwhelmed,
my pity stirred.
I will not vent to my blazing anger,
I will not destroy [you] again.

I will not destroy him again. I know he wouldn't allow me that power (I wouldn't want it) but I wouldn't do it, for whatever that's worth. Putting someone else before you, Tania, that's love. To know whatever happens you're going to be an adult about it and continue offering him your support and respect... That's love. Not imposing your will because you think you know better. It's allowing people to make their own decisions. It's all you ever asked of people, the freedom to make your own decisions, well then it's only fair you dish that out to the world as well.

Sweet baby Universe, please be kind.

I'm a little sad. It has been a really exhausting few days. I've felt so many types of up and down emotions and heart palpitations I worry I'll permanently have an arrhythmia. It's hard to breathe... He's gentle and kind, sincere and sweet but also anxious and scared. There's so much sadness in his eyes. I know I didn't cause all that pain but I feel so responsible. It's just SO much... It feels as if there's a vacuum in the core of my chest. My heart is broken over all the pain we had to endure but more so for the pain which we dealt out. I shall sit here and mourn while listening to Coldplay but then I have to wipe my tears and continue enjoying my life. I've said my apologizes. I've displayed my heart and intentions. Now the universe will take me where it will. I have no control over the outcome of any given situation. So why worry?

p.s. Linus just fart. It was gross.

Update...

Just realized there's a whole 6 months that have gone unaccounted for. So I shall update you. Anthony and I were not as happy as I posted. I was just keeping up appearances because I knew certain people creep my page, lol. Honestly there was only so far he could take me down my path. Eventually his love wasn't fulfilling because i didn't love myself. Because of him I finally got help. Real help. I will always love Anthony because he helped me grow up. I hit rock bottom. I was so lost and scared and could barely take a full breath because the anxiety of the whole world was upon me. I wasn't dealing with one trauma... I was dealing with everything. So I said, "fuck being sad" and I looked for help and found it. It completely changed my life. I learned how to set boundaries and forgive. I've become a better person and a better nurse because of all this. I'm almost the person I've always wanted to be. I can't apologize anymore for the person I was. It's in the past. The person I am today is funny, adorable, silly, romantic, lovesick, idealistic, respectful, understanding, compassionate and patient... it may be words on a screen but if anyone talks to me they will know I'm being sincere. I never want to hurt anyone... But I have to put myself first... Because I don't want to waste another second of my life...

I read a meme the other day that said, 

"The key to a happy relationship:

I take care of me and you take care of you 

and naturally we'll take care of each other." 

Oh shit meme... I get it. 

Oh Universe... Awesome timing.

I feel like I've been stumbling in the dark for the last few years and someone just turned on the lights. Suddenly the reality of the situation is so clear. So much of the anger that was created was a fabrication to keep us apart by a very cunning and manipulative person. But lies lead to more lies and pretty soon you can't get your stories straight. The truth will always come out. I think that's why I'm so honest now. I feel like its just... the best policy, lol. Lying is a coping/defense mechanism. We lie because the consequences of telling the truth causes too much anxiety. For a moment you are relieved but when the person you lied to finds out they feel rightfully betrayed. The other day my brother took my car to "go grocery shopping" and was supposedly "5 mins away." An HOUR later he came home. The truth is, had he told me he was going to be an hour I would have been annoyed but I would have accepted the information and just said, "okay." Instead I was really upset and then had to explain why lying is bad to my older brother... I feel like a single parent.
My family keeps telling me to stop trying to help everyone, "You're not on the clock right now, stop trying to save everyone." Well... then it has to start with them. I love my family, more than they know. They are my best friends but I have to start putting myself first. This is a time of adventure and personal growth and I'm spending it pushing a bunch of adults to be healthy. I realize that I have gone above and beyond for them but... it's my turn to be happy.
"Family first" But after all this therapy I'm realizing that it's actually "you first, then your family."
My mother sadly said to me yesterday, "I'm worried, disappointed and confused because you seem so happy with 'that' friendship." I looked at her puzzled and asked, "You're disappointed that I'm happy?" She responded with, "It's what you're happy about." I looked at her and said, "It should only matter that I'm happy." 10 mins later she gave me a big hug and kiss and apologized. Classic Mami.

What do I want?
I want the universe to have better timing.