Thursday, May 30, 2013

I'm frustrated with myself. I'm so willing to let people in and forgive and accept them but I have really never gotten that in return. It's because people suck. I'm so conflicted about whether or not I'm going to teach my kids forgiveness and compassion. "Here baby, here's a quality that's going to make EVERYBODY around you feel soft and cuddly and loved and appreciated. What do you get in return? Well sweetie, def not what you give out." Awesome. Also, pouring out my head on social media needs to stop. Mainly just this blog.
I'm just whining because I'm annoyed with pretty much everyone in my life including myself. I need a vacation. The massage was the biggest tease. I wanna go away and just lay around for like an entire week doing nothing but tanning and being pampered. Fuck it, I'm gonna save up and go somewhere awesome where I can take a breath away from reality. Life can get so stressful at times.
I think people mistake my desires for expectations. I can say "I wanna go on vacation" but if december rolls around and I still haven't had time for a vacation I'm not going to jump off a cliff. I would like it to happen but if it doesn't its not going to be the end of my world because I'm an adult dammit, and by definition adults are NOT babies! haha. That's dedicated to all the poopheads.
I like don't really give a poo what people are thinking it just annoys me that people can't be more understanding and compassionate and shit. Its really not that hard. You just think, "How can I make this person feel happy and cared about and supported?" and then you fucking do it.

Today I had the privilege of meeting this amazing hispanic family with a little boy with a degenerative disease. They were wealthy and well educated but probably the most humble and grateful people I've met.  I was in such awe at all the love and dedication this mother had to offer her children. Her little boy is slowly going to die because his muscles are going to stop functioning until his heart (which is also a muscle) is too weak to pump, that is if he doesn't have a stroke or seizure which could take him first. Fuck. It's hard shit. I love my patients but it takes a special kind of nurse to be there for the family when a child dies. I can't do it. My heart breaks for the family. I empathize to the point of losing myself in their pain. That's not fair to them. I wouldn't want to take away from their grief. My mother says sharing their grief is meaningful. I'm just not strong enough yet, but I hope to be someday. I cry with my patients all the time. I feel like such a baby but they don't seem to mind. I dunno, whatever. Today wasn't horrible just a little emotional.
That mother today was an inspiration to me. To have a doctor say, "your toddler is going to die slowly and painfully and there's nothing we can do about it" and then her response be, "Okay, we're going to give him as much love and attention and the absolute best quality of life for as long as he is here." Fuck. That's an amazing fucking woman. I wanna be like her. Ha, just realized I want to have the same qualities I spent half this post complaining about. Jebus, I'm a hot mess, lol.

I feel better. My annoyance is itty bitty compared to that mom's actual problems. God, I can be so selfish and silly sometimes.

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