Writing helps. I feel like my whole world has been thrown up in the air and I'm waiting to see where I land. It's a very uncertain time but I know no matter what I will be happy and get through it. This is just another challenge to overcome. My life experiences have made me more open to spirituality. Praying comforts a lot of my patient's families, so to soothe their anxiety I sit and pray with them if it's something they want to do. It doesn't matter what religion they are. There's something about genuinely hoping for the same positive thing that brings mutual respect among strangers.
Today I prayed. For clarity and understanding and help. Then I meditated (bible, journal, lana del rey) and discovered my answers. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to hurt anyone. The way those things happen are by being selfish. You can have the best purest intentions and still be selfish. That's what I've been acting.
I play this game, I've played it since I was little and my mom taught me. Whenever I'm scared or anxious or upset I pick up the Bible and hold it close to my chest and I ask God what I need help with or what's troubling me. Then with my eyes closed, at random, I flip open the Bible and read. I do this 3 times. Without fail they've always had a theme and I always feel better.
Today the theme was "be patient and have faith." I'm sure it doesn't seem too impressive but it was the passages I read that were what was impressive. One verse in particular-
My heart is overwhelmed,
my pity stirred.
I will not vent to my blazing anger,
I will not destroy [you] again.
I will not destroy him again. I know he wouldn't allow me that power (I wouldn't want it) but I wouldn't do it, for whatever that's worth. Putting someone else before you, Tania, that's love. To know whatever happens you're going to be an adult about it and continue offering him your support and respect... That's love. Not imposing your will because you think you know better. It's allowing people to make their own decisions. It's all you ever asked of people, the freedom to make your own decisions, well then it's only fair you dish that out to the world as well.