Saturday, May 25, 2013

Oh Universe... Awesome timing.

I feel like I've been stumbling in the dark for the last few years and someone just turned on the lights. Suddenly the reality of the situation is so clear. So much of the anger that was created was a fabrication to keep us apart by a very cunning and manipulative person. But lies lead to more lies and pretty soon you can't get your stories straight. The truth will always come out. I think that's why I'm so honest now. I feel like its just... the best policy, lol. Lying is a coping/defense mechanism. We lie because the consequences of telling the truth causes too much anxiety. For a moment you are relieved but when the person you lied to finds out they feel rightfully betrayed. The other day my brother took my car to "go grocery shopping" and was supposedly "5 mins away." An HOUR later he came home. The truth is, had he told me he was going to be an hour I would have been annoyed but I would have accepted the information and just said, "okay." Instead I was really upset and then had to explain why lying is bad to my older brother... I feel like a single parent.
My family keeps telling me to stop trying to help everyone, "You're not on the clock right now, stop trying to save everyone." Well... then it has to start with them. I love my family, more than they know. They are my best friends but I have to start putting myself first. This is a time of adventure and personal growth and I'm spending it pushing a bunch of adults to be healthy. I realize that I have gone above and beyond for them but... it's my turn to be happy.
"Family first" But after all this therapy I'm realizing that it's actually "you first, then your family."
My mother sadly said to me yesterday, "I'm worried, disappointed and confused because you seem so happy with 'that' friendship." I looked at her puzzled and asked, "You're disappointed that I'm happy?" She responded with, "It's what you're happy about." I looked at her and said, "It should only matter that I'm happy." 10 mins later she gave me a big hug and kiss and apologized. Classic Mami.

What do I want?
I want the universe to have better timing.

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