Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Growing up I went to catholic school. This explains my interest in blue eyed caucasians and why I don't fit in anywhere really. A complete graham cracker; too brown to be a white person to white in my actions to be a minority. I feel like a child of an interracial couple. Not quite one thing or the other. But I guess I am a result of something similar... The coupling of two cultures... Few understand because most families that have come here believe that their country is the best. I am a mix of so many things that I thought I could choose who I became... Which I did... But that didnt mean anyone had to accept it. I'm a nice, intelligent girl. To rationalize this people "forget" I'm Hispanic. Part of me must be white, they think. It's kinda sad and hilarious. To be well liked I must hide part of myself. Well... Theres nothing about me to not like, eventually they'll see that. Annoying but people have had to prove themselves for ages. Our "modern" times just make it so that people have to hide their prejudice in the silence of their hearts.
Anyway catholic school taught me that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins. I've always been told to forgive as he did... Something I have lived by my entire life. All forgiveness has gotten me is beaten, battered and made to look like a fool. All forgiveness got him was a life devoted to nothing but being spit on, pummeled and nailed down like an animal. People forget to tell you that part. That the only thing you get out of being forgiving is a sense of self righteousness. To the rest of the world your a kind fool but a fool nonetheless. I always just felt I couldn't be bothered with hating someone or being angry about something. That's a difficult burden to carry around. Embarrassment is also cumbersome... I guess I'm just too forgiving but at least I know I'm not a bad person. I guess the point of forgiveness is inner peace. I guess I just have to stop forgetting the pain people caused me. Forgetting is why the crimes against myself are recommitted. Well to become old and wise you must first be young and stupid. I am learning a lot. Growing up is about making mistakes... I just hope I'm all grown up sooner rather than later.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Silly girl

I'm dumb for being so nice. Just so people know, at my age my mother was already exhibiting signs of schizophrenia. I for the record am not. Also, my biological mother has a big warm heart and is truthful and kind, she's just sick. People are cruel to make fun of the mentally ill. Its like any of disease. Anyway I'm in a sane healthy relationship about to celebrate my one year anniversary with a loyal gentle man. Schizophrenia can be treated with medication. As for other people... Once a glass has been shattered there's no hiding the fact that it's damaged. Well enjoying the rest of my night.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Sweet Autumn

He deserves all the praise I give him. All the sweet letters full of passion. He deserves to be told he is an amazing person and I would enjoy his companionship for the rest of my life. Last night I dreamt the two of us eloped and he was helping me plan a fancy wedding with my parents who were absolutely thrilled by our marriage. I awoke to him holding me and letting out a small pleasurable sigh as I snuggled closer and kissed his cheek. Last weekend we went to new hope and had an amazing time. He is patient and polite and he likes my interests and has interests of his own. We ate at an expensive restaurant where he didn't allow me to even look at the bill. When I told him he could get the check only if he let's me get the next three he got all pouty and said absolutely not. I love and hate that. I can pay for myself now and I could treat him as well but I love the feeling of being taken care of even though he knows full well I can take care of myself. There's something contemporarily chivalrous about it if that's not an oxymoron. Saturday I awoke in his arms. We went apple picking. On the way to the farm there was an Oktoberfest festival taking place. We stopped and had beehive cake. Then he made passionate love to me, afterwards it was to the supermarket and then we spent our night making pies and talking. He actually helped me bake and wanted to be good at it. In the kitchen he would watch me and smile. He would come from behind and gently hug me and kiss my head. He stopped me in the middle of the kitchen and danced with me for a second with no music playing. The love I feel when I'm around him... it makes me drunk. He's modest and kind and thoughtful. His gentleness is completely masculine and makes me want him much more. He's sensible and knows how to reprimand me and bring me to my senses in a way that opens my eyes and let's me see for myself how silly I'm being. I don't care what the world thinks of us. I'm so happy with him. And honestly he's just a happy with me. On December 26th in the wee hours of the morning he told me he wanted to give us a shot. "I want to be with you" Nine months later here I am writing about how perfect his is on our mini anniversary. My ex once jealously tweeted "a bigger man in every way" speaking of some fling I had. He was mainly write. But with Anthony? Well Anthony is the bigger man in every way. And I do mean every. I reflect on the fact that my birthday is coming up glad about that had happened. I would not be so happy now if none of it had happened. Anthony surpasses any man I have ever encountered. I told him tearfully the other day that of he ever decided to leave I would be so angry knowing i would have to look very hard and never find anyone as good. It's the truth. He's not perfect but frankly... other men should be taking notes.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Past mistakes

I nearly made an awful mistake... although I did fuck up it honestly could have been much worse, which is saying something. I realize now that although I am not an alcoholic by any means, alcohol does have horrible effects on me. Honestly drinking for me is equivalent to some people doing cocaine or E or something. I lose myself somewhere along the way. I was discussing it yesterday and I have never hooked up with someone while I was sober. It's always when I am plastered drunk, and I tend to always get plastered drunk when I drink. I figured this out months ago in therapy and have since not gotten drunk when I'm not around Anthony because the truth is I can't trust anyone when I'm drunk, least of all myself. It's strange to have this be part of me. Some alter-ego who just goes around wrecking everything the real Tania works her ass off for. At the Colombian festival last month I got tipsy and proceeded to having to avoid Carmen's friend who was determined to get me to cheat on my boyfriend. Shitty things just happen when I drink and if I was plastered the night would have probably had a different ending than me falling asleep in Anthony's arms. The past two days I've gotten drunk and agreed to do and did things Sober Tania would have never agreed to. In therapy I've learned that I dont feel anything when I'm drunk, no remorse or sense of consequence. Everything is just happy and fun and adventurous. It's not until the high is over that I see all the damage I inflicted on myself. When Derek broke up with me I got drunk and drank a bunch of pills. I lack feeling. I lack self control. Everyone agrees that Drunk Tania sucks. Jamie was the first to point it out. A friend from college loved that I was like that because she was the same way, sometimes worse. She enabled the partying and made it romantic and graceful. It wasn't until I met Anthony that I understood the mistakes of my past. Anthony knows everything about me. He knows my past and I tell him right away when I fuck up. He understands that when I'm drunk I'm a different person. I have learned that unconditional love means to be understanding and non-judgemental. After a night like last night I go to him and confess what I did. He never wants names because he doesn't want me to gossip nor does he care. Last night I was expecting the worse, for him to break up with me, call me a scumbag or crazy or a whore... I guess I expected the response my ex would have given me. Instead we had a civil conversation where he reminded me that I know better and that everything I do when i get drunk doesn't hurt him. He can leave and start over, ultimately I hurt myself. I don't need to learn this lesson anymore times. I am finally living the life I want to lead and I don't want to fuck it up at all. I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. Anthony also has to be an alien of some sort. I'm too lucky to have him. Honestly he deserves more credit for my recovery than I have given him. I'm not saying he made me a better person but his unshakable understanding has given me strength. This last month I have been caught up in other things. I have not been giving him my full attention. He deserves it all. Back to going back to my life.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Lessons learned

I guess I can't get angry anymore because everything I have learned has come from experience. I suppose my frustration comes when someone has seen me put my hand in the fire and watched me get horribly burned. They think that because they have thicker or tougher skin they will not get hurt but the truth is it's only a matter of time before their skin begins to blister. It's just the nature of the beast.
I've learned thy relationships are like vases. When something horrible or unforgivable happens in the relationship it's like your favorite vases falling to the ground. It doesn't matter if the vase was your favorite or meant the world to you if it smashes to the ground and you put it back together there are still going to be pieces missing and cracks that are evident to the world but most importantly to you. The more times the vase falls- the more times you try to glue it back together it is no longer that beautiful vase. It just keeps on missing more and more pieces each time it breaks until there are just shards of glass that don't fit together anymore- with cracks and holes that make the vase nonfunctional. It's just the pile of glass that looks awful and you're left with bleeding hands that are already scarred from the times you've tried to fix it. The truth is you just have to mourn the lose of your favorite vase, throw it away an get a new vase that suits you better. And you care for it differently, perhaps you get thicker glass or you put it on a different shelf either way it's a new vase. Sure you can look fondly on your old one but eventually you realize how much you love the way your flowers look in this one more. There are too many vases in the world to get caught up being frustrated an hurting yourself to make the old one whole because it never will be again.
It took me a long time to realize that. And even longer to put it in action. But the truth is that I learned it on my own. Forcing my beliefs and experience on someone else makes me no better than the bigots and self-righteous people I never wanted to become. So people have to learn on their own. One thing that Anthony has taught me it's that most things aren't my problem and I just need to slow down and enjoy my own life if people don't want to heed my warnings or take my help. I'm done getting frustrated. I'm done being the Tania that wants to get her point across even if I know I'm right. In the end people will learn just as I did. I can only hope they get it before I do. Because I had to feel death whisper my name to learn that lesson. I'm not a super hero nor do I know all the answers. I never claimed either but I have to stop holding myself to those expectations. I love my life now and have learned so much. I'm glad I'm alive today to enjoy the damp dawn air, smell the bad habit of cigarettes in the air and see the colors of dawn sneak into the sky. I'm glad I learned my lesson.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Happily ever after

I'm such a girl it's disgusting sometimes. I guess after talking to Christina a few times I've become slightly paranoid that someone better is gonna come along for Anthony as if I'm not good enough. What I've come to realize is that comparing this relationship to my last is not only wrong but there are just 2 people who couldn't be any less alike. The other night I got emotion (surprise?) and confessed all my thoughts. Anthony's response? "listen I'm sorry I don't give you enough reassurance, that's my fault. But just trust when I say things. I love you. I don't know if you and I will be forever but I wanna give it a try." My tears stopped immediately. "you wanna give forever a try?" "yeah, I wanna give us a try." I love how honest I can be. I know he will never hurt me. I worry that we're too young and this won't last but rationally I know he would never want that and I will wait for him to be ready. I guess that's the hardest part of dating someone who is younger or not in the same place as you. The waiting game. I'm ready for marriage. And children well within the next 7 years I hope that happens. But I rush life too often. I'm too impatient and pushy and I don't want to be that way anymore. I can wait.
The next day Anthony surprised me with a lovely day and a beautiful ring. A ring which I didn't have to ask for. The other day he asked what kind of jewelry I liked. I told him I don't wear too much. Just like earrings and rings. I just bought myself new earrings so he took it upon himself to buy me a new ring. He took initiative and just knew me. I love that. Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. But this is my life now. An amazing man, great job and I'm happy with myself. I even started losing weight again. It's like I'm a new person... It feels amazing.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bathroom tears

Sometimes I'm too sensitive. I feel like I have no friends sometimes but honestly it's as much my fault as anyone else. I'm not proactive enough. True, I sometimes tire of being the person to initiate relationships but it's because people I tend to hang out with are like me so instead of hanging out we all end up sitting at home by ourselves wishing we had friends. Today I felt so alone and so unwanted over a silly misunderstanding that I even went into the bathroom to let out a few aggravated tears. Only to feel completely silly afterwards. (I was lucky I didn't mess up my make up). Really there's no reason for me to feel sad anymore. That's not my life. I'm an adult now and I just have to take action. Anthony is so good to me and brings me back to my senses all the time. I need a good metaphoric kick in the head sometimes and he's great for those.
This weeks lesson to Christina has been to not try and find a replacement for her ex. Feel the pain. Live in it for a while. When the time is right it will happen naturally and feel right. I gave myself 2 months off (well more than 2 months off from sex anyway). I allowed a relationship to develop. Until it hit me that I couldn't let this opportunity with Anthony pass me by. He was too good and if I listened to him I would have lost that to someone else. Anthony wanted me to wait a year or two or three. So much can happen in that time. So many people come in and out of peoples lives. I couldn't do it. But I sure as hell was not completely over Derek when we started dating and it showed sometimes. I never vocalized anything not even to my therapist but I was always sad and would spend days moping with no real reason. Well no reason I would admit to. Truth is the future I created with Derek needed to be mourned if nothing else of the relationship. And it wasn't until May, 5 months into my relationship, that I was truly over it. Hearing about Derek or seeing him as I did last week did not affect me. I would have rather not seen him but I still ended up having a blast and finally Anthony saw that I was being truthful that there was nothing left in my heart for him. Not even hate.
I hope Christina stays as strong as wants to because the truth is Derek needs to feel. Maybe through this he'll stop blaming others for his problems. And realize they are self inflicted. I don't know him anymore, I just know what I hear from christina and some of that is similar to what I went through. Truth is I wasn't a whore but I did betray his trust. Not because I wanted to but because I was trying to overcome my own issues. When I was alone I committed my same serial mistakes but without the guilt of another party I was finally able to pinpoint what I was really doing and I corrected the problem. I needed to get over frank and the violation at such a young age. I was stuck at 13 trying again and again to say no the right way. I finally learned how. By not putting myself in positions where I had to say no. Derek tried telling me that from the beginning but I was a child when we started dating. I needed to touch the stove myself. Something he never understood. So much like my father feeling he knew what was best. Another thing I learned throughout this marvelous year is that if you go into a relationship trying to replace the last person you aren't gonna be very successful in said relationship. Like me and the chef, that was totally a bandaid and I knew it. I won't say anything bad because he treated me well but not all that great. Everything wrong he did just reminded me of Derek and I held him to those expectations. We just weren't very compatible and that's why it really didn't work out. But he tried his best I was just trying to not feel the loss of Derek. And if you don't feel the loss you will never move on from it and that's how you get sucked in. I used to fear feeling it because I would end up back in his arms but the truth is that he fucked me over too many times. I would have to have zero self respect to go back after everything. The lies, the hitting, the belittling. He's a bad guy and needs to learn how to not be one of those. And I hope christina truly understands that.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Just what I want

Talking to Christina has been therapeutic in many ways. I know it's really silly of me and those who love me are just expecting me to get hurt but this is the first time I've been talking to her that there has been a positive for me. Through talking to her I have realized how wonderful I have it now. My man is actually a man who is kind and gentle and considerate. Talking to her I realize how unhappy I was and how unhappy I would still be with him if she had never come into the picture. So I suppose im grateful she wanted him so bad. I was set free for someone more malleable.
But I also began remembering things I didn't want to and remembering how Derek would put me down and call me a bad girlfriend. So Friday I set up to give Anthony a wonderful day. I took him out to dinner (he objected me paying the whole time, even after dinner) I bought him presents (which he insisted were not necessary) and gave him a long sexy massage. After everything he held me close, as he prefers it, and I began getting emotional. He asked why and I finally confided that I felt like I was a bad girlfriend who didn't do enough for him which he immediately denied. After disagreeing for a little he finally said, "stop! You're everything I want. You're all I want. And you're so nice it's actually a flaw! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I love you." there wrapped up into one breath was everything I needed to hear. "you know just how to dissipate my crazy" "for the most part I love your crazy... A little." and he held me close until we both drifted off into sleep.
He's so perfect. I woke up to kisses and making love which is always a lovely way to wake up... Well depending on the situation, lol. And the whole drive home he was kissing my hand and joking to stop paying attention to the road and look into his eyes. Imagine. Being loved the way I only dreamed about in fairytales. I'm never going to let the kid go. I have so much fun with him. He's honestly become my best friend. I can tell him anything and everything, and I do. I am completely honest and he embraces that and appreciates that more than anyone else. Almost 8 months but I just know I want this to be my last relationship. I've had a taste of ugly hate and painful heartache. And the truth of the matter is that Christina WAS much better to Derek... But he still ended up beating her... Twice. So I guess he is the crazy one after all.
As I write this I just witnessed a woman in labor and a frantic new father to be... I want that to be Anthony one day. I can't wait. Back to work... :)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Perfect Man

There is no such thing as the perfect man but honestly after tonight I'm so glad I have Anthony. I have gone through our relationship in my head and... seriously how did I luck out? He actually tries to be a great boyfriend and he has been able to succeed. I'm in awe of him and how lucky I truly am. We have amazing times together. He's not afraid to be affectionate with me and joke around. He is my best friend and my man. I can only be so lucky as to spend my life with him but I'll settle for any second of any minute I get to be with him. He will always be part of my life no matter what. I promise. Ugh! So in love. Love love love... I feel so lame and I love every minute of it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Standing at the edge of a cliff

There was a boy with blond hair and blue eyes. Dreamy... well as dreamy as one 4 year old is to another. He had one of those fashionable rat ponytails that was so popular in the early 90's. He lived behind my house and he became one of my very first friends. When I made the transfer from catholic to public school he took me under his wing and introduced me to people. He was well liked, athletic and extremely funny. Everyone loved Matt. Including me. I always knew he was out of my league though and I accepted my place as friend. When it was time to transfer to middle school Matt moved away. He always asked about me, and I asked about him. Finally I found him on facebook but like most facebook friends he laid forgotten amount the other two hundred and something people I'm not even sure I really knew. When I switched my accounts last year after the whole Derek (coughshitheadcough) crap I just didn't happen to add him again. I was going through far too much shit. Apparently he was too... He killed himself. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why but for the first time in my existence I can hear about this suicide and understand. Just understand. Before I thought, "How could someone be so selfish? Leave everything behind for something that doesn't even matter!" In November I stood at that same cliff. I looked down and was at peace with the idea of all of it ending. People may feel like I was being selfish but really they were the ones being selfish. I was in too much pain. They needed to understand. I haven't really thought about the day since a little after it happened. Since I heard the news I find it hard to stop thinking about it. It's like the universe wants me to revisit that pain...
My mother asked me just before to check in her drawer for one of her credit cards and there I found instead, like a secret she was trying to stash, all of my discharge paperwork from 11/06/10. Diagnosis? Drug toxicity/ overdose and Depression. Along with that? My prom picture with Derek. Do I miss him? No. But I looked at the picture after months of not seeing his face and remembered how beautiful I thought he was. How much I fucking loved him. Its funny that my mother had put them together. As if she knew I would one day find it and she's saying, "He is who lead you down this road." I look at myself in the picture, still very young and looked so doe eyed. I look like I'm thinking, "He's so much more attractive than me, how can he stand being next to me?" I lingered on his face. Air brushed and pale... In my memories he's so hideous, every imperfection exaggerated. But this picture of 19 year old Derek looks so different than the man he became in my memory. Ha, then I remembered my actual prom where he at first refused to go and then finally caved as a little surprise only to cross his arms and barely say anything during my prom. He wouldn't dance with me. I barely remember leaving the table. I don't have pictures with my friends because although I was angry at him for being a party pooper I stilled loved being in his presence. What a stupid little bitch I was. I look at that girl and say, can you believe you stayed for so long? He treated you like absolute garbage but you ate all that shit up because you thought he was some god sent to rescue you from all the sucky shit in your life. He became my God. When you're savior forsakes you what else can you do but to end your worthless life.
I remember sitting on his bathroom floor after he wrestled me down to there (I think I had a knife?)... He gave me a Xanax and suddenly I was able to think unclouded by my agony although it was still there. I was going to drink all of my pain medicine with a bottle of vodka. I told him to get me both and he did because I'm sure part of him loved having the control of my life in his hands and the other part was curious if I would actually do it... I left his house ("If you're going to kill yourself don't do it in my house") and drove. I parked somewhere no one was around. I sat for a moment, closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel not just the pain of that day but all the pain I had ever felt. This is the right thing to do. You'll feel much better and no one else will ever be able to harm you... I thought. After it was done I went back to his house... because although he had forsaken me I wanted to die in his arms. Dramatic? Completely, but this was the ending of my life. I should be allowed to go out with a bang. My one mistake was saying goodbye to my best friend. I needed her to be strong and tell my family I loved them. Because that's something everyone needed to know. That I loved them but I couldn't do this anymore. Derek read the message and started freaking out. He left his house and went for a walk when I remember he had a stash of prescription meds he may or may not have stolen from his last place of employment. Among them? Ambien and Xanax. I took as many as I could and laid back down hoping the end would come sooner now. Caitlin called her mother who called my mother. She came to get me. To steal me away from my savior. I hated her for it but looking back now I see how much pain was in her eyes and how scared she was. How viciously she looked at Derek like a lioness seeping venom at him with every glare. "She's weak like you" or something like that I remember him saying to her. To my mother who was actually trying to save my life not being a little bitch ass coward like he was. My mother was far from weak in that moment. She took me home and tried to get me to vomit and she consulted with my brother. After that my memory ends. "I want my phone, Derek may have tried to call!" I said over and over again. It was the first thing I said to my father when I regained consciousness 18 hours later. Tear streaked face... My old man looked so weak, so utterly vulnerable and all I wanted was to know if Derek had called... He hadn't. Many months later I found out he had fucked the 16 year old the night I nearly died... Figures.
My life now? Nothing compared to that day. I am so happy now... but after hearing about Matt's suicide... For some reason I find myself questioning everything. Am I really happier? Is it really a good thing that I survived?... I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I wish I would have shared my story with him. About both my downfall and the success I have had rising from the ashes. But I can't blame him... the saddest part is that I know he died with at least a little bit of peace... more than he had probably felt in a long time. For that I am happy for him. But never again will I be so weak... If there isn't a god... well then I should be my own god and worship myself and be my own savior. That's what I have learned this year. I do feel rather sad though... and I also dislike reliving this time in my life... But I will never, ever...EVER be so pathetic again. The thing I love most about Anthony? "I want to enhance your life, not dictate it. Live your life... and let me be a part of it. not all of it." I hope I marry him... If not I promise he will always be part of my life, because I love him far too much.
I stood at the edge of that cliff and even jumped. Somehow I survived and although I have thousands of dollars in medical bills I'm glad I'm still here...

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Prayer of the New Nurse

I walking into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit... Everything replays slowly now... The tiny quiet unit hectic during morning report. I didn't want to do this but I figured I needed to see it with my own eyes. Walking down the hall I stopped one of the residents, "What room is she in?" she told me, "How is she doing?" Her eyes saddened, "Very bad actually..." I held my breath dropped my bags before entering the room. "You can do this... even if it's a bad idea." I stood at the window shocked as I saw her. I hesitated for a minute then let the air out of my lungs and pushed the door open. She was asleep yet the way she was gasping for air you would think had run a mile and then was trapped in a room with no oxygen. The way a fish looks outside the water, desperately gasping for air. Hungry for it. I was horrified, and saddened. Last time I saw her she was making jokes... now? The minute or two I stood there felt much longer. I surveyed her from head to toe. In her sleep she was gripping on the hospital bed rails as if the leverage may make breathing easier... may make living easier. Like a veil being dropped from the ceiling I could feel the weight of it all coming down. The scene now replays in slow motion. I wanted to dash out the room but as I turned to go, I turned right back and grabbed her hand, squeezed it and in the silence of my heart pleaded, "God, please..." Then I rushed out before the dark could reach me or pull me under.
"God, please..." Was all I could manage at the time... Two words... But what I meant behind them? I can't articulate what i meant because it can only be felt. Maybe on day I will find the words but right now, "God, please..." means volumes to me.
She's not going to make it... I bat away tears as I write it. I was holding on to so much hope but after today I can no longer not accept it... She is going to die... Only 16 years old... She never got to go to prom or learn how to drive... 16 and dying... I wonder if it would have as many ratings?
I went into pediatrics knowing it would be sad... Why didn't that protect me from this hurt? I guess it's like relationships. You go in accepting the risk of heart break... but is it ever really expected?
Last night I took care of a little boy who was practically in a coma the last time I cared for him a few weeks back. Last night he was joking and blowing me kisses, and playing with my hair. He even started crying when I said I was going home for the day. That fills me up with warmth... That warmth is what I need to focus on. Not the cold dark veil...
From this moment on I will be gasping for air... Hungry for life... and living every damn second of it to be a good person and do good things with my life. Loving my patients the way I do... Its really stupid. But everything I do is for them... I am too soft, I'm told from those who I have let in. I'd rather be too soft than cold and calculated. I know the burden I carry and I carry it proudly. I live my life by treating others the way I want to be treated (unless you're one of the few people I have cut off completely). Well if I was a mother I would want my nurse to know the pain I live at the prospect of losing my child. So I feel this pain... because I willingly signed up for it. I hope to kiss more booboos than shed tears of loss... That's all I can hope for. "God, please..." give me the strength, intelligence, dedication and patience to be a good nurse... A loving person... Amen.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Stupid little girl

Today I've been doing tons of self reflection. I feel really angry. I was talking to my coworker and she was sharing her past relationships and then she said, "I laugh at how stupid I was then." I can't laugh at my past... I don't look at it and chuckle at how dumb I was I want to throw that stupid little girl off a cliff. To think I was willing to give up everything. Willing to pay off his student loans and not have my mother in the delivery room... It was all obscene. Pay his student loans because he payed for us to do things on dates... I tried paying for dinner the other night and Anthony refused. I expressed how annoying it was that he never let me pay and he said "well then you're gonna be annoyed. I'm gonna pay for things because that's how I was raise. Men do that. And you pop a baby out one day far far in the future... It's only fair." I laughed but honestly I'm gonna hope and pray every day that I marry this kid. Because everything he is is everything I want. I want to not only care for but also be take care of and Anthony understands that. My last relationship? That stupid little girl was okay with minimal amounts of affection and attempts. Hell no anymore. If im working hard then he better be working hard too. So I guess I may be angry at the stupid little girl of my past but at least I know I'm never going to be her again. "my friend got a penis tattooed between her boobs... At least your mistake wasn't permanent." said my coworker. How fucking true is that. I need to take that little girl aside call her dumb give her a hug and finally let her rest. Because I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't learn the lessons she taught me. As moronic as she was. Anthony apologized again before he went to bed last night. "I never want you to be scared of me. I completely over reacted and I promise it will never happen again." Again I say I will marry this man :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Bitter Memories

So last night Anthony raised his voice. It was the first time I had ever seen him angry and much less at me. Before the sentence slipped out of his mouth he was already apologizing. It was over something insignificant which I guess hurt more. He felt horrible and I know if he hadn't been intoxicated it would have never happened. Its funny how a joyous occasion can transform in just seconds. As soon as I heard his voice sound angry I was apologizing over something that shouldn't have even been a problem. I felts scared and had to choke down tears as I could feel myself bursting into tears. I suppose I'm more traumatized than I thought. I cant help but feel angry at him for getting upset over something so small. He felt awful afterwards something that didn't help.
I felt like I was in another lifetime. I was automatically transported to the moment when my nose and lip were bleeding and the look of remorse on his face as he said he deserved to die for hitting me... What an asshole. And what more? What a little bitch I am for letting this moment of my past throw me into a mini panic attack. This little bitch who apologizes for things that aren't even her fault. I wish I could kill her... I thought I had. I guess she was just hiding in a closet of my subconscious waiting for the right moment to jump out. I hate that little bitch. She has no room in my new relationship. It took me all of 2 minutes to realize I was reacting to not what was in front of me now but what was in front of me then. After I realized that I was able to come back to reality. It wasn't that bad. Anthony should be allowed to express anger, it just better not be towards me. And so I told him that. I like how we work. No arguments, no anger. If he wants to change the dynamics then I'm out. I may have been overreacting but my sanity comes first. I need to feel safe with him. And I do. He felt so bad... "I feel safest when I'm in your arms, Anthony. I don't want that to change." He promised not to scare me again. I promised myself not to let a man scare me regardless.
He held me until I fell asleep and then he tucked me in like he usually does. He apologized and kissed me. I told him I loved him.
Everything will be okay.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Kiss Goodnight

As soon as all the drama started it ended. My life went back to normal in no time at all which is surprising because I tend to fester over things to do with my past. I guess this shows I'm growing up and moving on from my dark past.
Anthony has been absolutely amazing. We had drinks with my parents the other night. My father is rather fond of him as is my mother. My brothers have been cautious because of my last relationship but are warming up to him. There's really nothing to dislike. He's real and down to earth and his gentleness is overwhelming. Told my dad I was going away on vacation with him. I told him I hope he doesn't make wrongful assumptions and stops talking to me for months afterwards like he did when I got back from costa rica. He expressed that I'm not married and vacations alone are left for honeymoons. "this isn't 1965 papi, I am going on vacation I just hope you don't get upset." we agreed to disagree and he promised he wouldn't get upset. Oh the wonders of communication.
Anthony realized my dad was very old school the other night and asked if we were to get married what would customarily be appropriate for my father. I gave him the answer but was sure to hide my smile. Mr. I have trouble getting close is thinking about one day asking me to marry him. He's so silly. I'm so crazy about him. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. Being with him now is so amazing I really don't need anything else right now.
He's absolutely wonderful... I'm really so in love and he is too... It's amazing. He does this adorable thing... When he has to do something in the morning and can't sleep over he lays with me until I'm asleep and then he tucks me in before he leaves and tells me how much he loves being with me and how pretty I look when I sleep. "you're such a sleepy puppy" he whispers in my ear. "I love you too" I whisper back... I am so blessed!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Anger Bubble

Frustrating is the fact that people tell me things that I don't want to know. More frustrating? Getting woken up at 4 am on Sunday morning for no good reason which leads me back to the first of people telling me things I don't want to know. Ha, whatever. I can't blame people, I mean I used to be in the exact same position. Took me a long time to get out actually. I would still be there if I didn't nearly die. But the fact of the matter is there comes a time when you decide whether you want to stop being a victim. I've made that decision and since then have ceased to see myself as someone not worth nice things. Child abuse, sexual abuse and then physical domestic abuse? Is she blind to the pattern? Or is she so stuck in following it's path that she can't get out of the cycle? The truth is I don't care. But why tell me you think his family is fake and his step mother is crazy and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore and you're still in love with your best friend just to turn around and go back to the same damn situation. I guess the difference is that I'm not her. I don't need to cross boundaries and try to stir up drama because in the end you dig your own grave. You want to be phony? It's a waste of energy but I don't care. The funny thing is that I REALLY don't care. I'm just a firm believer in my time not being wasted and the time wasted on that exhausting Sunday should have been focused on my amazing boyfriend whom I was sharing an anniversary with (don't worry folks it was still amazing. We laughed and cried and held each other... then he made love to me. I cried afterwards, it was a life changing love session haha, so nothing was lost) . But in the end what does all this teach me? That I need to stop feeling so god damn altruistic and just let people crash and burn on their own accord. I was fooled this time but next time I won't be there. Not because I don't care but... oh wait... yeah that is why. I've given advice and told who I could and I come from having experience. One day they'll know I was right and that fact makes me feel at peace.
My life should be spent making sure I am as happy as can be. Not fixing others when they get punched in the face. I didn't come running to any exes with my problems. The truth is he's a monster who preys on victims and she's a victim who searches for monsters to kill her. A great match. Enjoy cleaning his draws and paying for his trips. I'm off on vacation with my man who can afford his own ticket and even offered to pay mine... you know, a real man. I am no longer full of hate. I can move on with my life with a clear conscious knowing that I did everything I could. I am not subjecting myself to anymore poison. Back to living my awesome life before this little blip of annoyance came along. The anger bubble is ruptured because in the end... I'm better than you.

Sleepless nights

My breath is quickening, my heart is racing I can feel his presence. The evil boogie man is closing in... Trying to pull me under. If he catches me I die... Again.

I've had the pleasure of being a nurse for the past few months. During this time I have watched a girl who has not even started living her life fight for it. We were all hopeful as she got better. When our hope was high that's when we got the news that she wasn't going to make it. I had to stop at Anthony's on my way home. He held me as I cried... The world is full of monsters and this girl who has not even received her first kiss gets the unfortunate news while those who cheat and beat and connive live their lives happily. So I've decided to be happy. To live my life full of wonder and smiles. Everything isn't daisies and sunshine but can't we pretend? I'm tired of feeling scared and scarred. It's time to just let shit go and enjoy whatever time I have left be it 1 or 100 years... My life has turned amazing and I have become so blessed. I will say a prayer for the dying girl and in that prayer I will be thankful that I met her. I am better for having known her. I hope she doesn't die... There is so much joy in pediatrics but when it's sad it's heart shatteringly sad... I will hold my loved ones a little closer and give more hugs and forgive more because in the end I just want to make a positive difference in at least a few peoples lives. "Im glad i got to meet her" is the best thing I could ask for once I'm gone. I'm sure the feeling will be mutual but hopefully not until Im 95 years old :) sweet dreams kids. Back to charting I go!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Candle lit nights

I have so many mixed emotions within me. Anxiety is the one that is in the forefront. I learned of events that have opened old wounds. I feel confused and infuriated yet somehow numb to everything. I hope I can get back to living my happy life again...
Yesterday it was 6 months for Anthony and me. He bought me a stuffed animal. How adorably boyfriend-y of him. It was a hedgehog which is more his style. Every one of his gifts is so meaningful and has so much thought placed into it I always want to cry. Nothing flashy or useless but very thoughtful.
"I got you a present" he said in his beautiful deep voice, "its small but I wanted to get you something... its a hedgehog... I was going for a wolverine but these are beyond human too. I figured you could cuddle him when you're sad or lonely and I cant hold you."
A couple of months ago we watched this lame documentary about wolverines. The opening lines had some scientist say, "they way they run... its beyond human." which i responded with, "uhhh yeah thats because its not a human... this guy is dumb" he giggled for hours.
Last night was a very good night with a sprinkle of demons from the past... He was supportive. He held me close to him in my candle lit room and finally told me sometimes he wondered if Derek got the best parts of me, the non-jaded happier parts. No... he killed her a long time ago. The truth is this side of me, able to be close to someone without instinctively attempting to fuck it up... well thats something new in my adult years. I really dont want to fuck it up actually. Anthony brings me a sense of peace... stability. Something that was only an illusion in the past. We spoke about how I would react if we broke up. I love him too much not to get angry but I love him too much not to want to still be friends. Thats how it started anyway. I told him that if we broke up I'm sure he'd find someone way more awesome than me. He began to say, "Whatever I don't think I'll ever find any..." at this point I cut him off. I apologized for my anger but told him that he may have started dating me because he figured, "who else is gonna want me" but I'll be damned if thats the only reason he stays with me. The hurt in his eyes was incredible. "No... No, that's not what I meant... I don't think I could ever like being around someone as much as I like being around you." Stupid past making me edgy and emotional. It was the sweetest thing anyone could have said at that moment. He was rewarded :)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Believe in Magic

There are few times in your life when you meet someone and from the touch of their skin you can feel their lips against yours, know how their neck smells and honestly melt underneath their gaze. Last night Anthony and I went on a walk... an epic walk. Haha. It was a beautiful May night and the start of our five month anniversary. He held my hand and walked along side me like any good boyfriend would but there was something different about last night. Be it the sweet air or the constant spiderwebs we threw each other into it just felt kinda like a fairytale. Not the type that would be read to your children at night or become a Disney movie some day but the kind of fairy tale where I can close my eyes 100 years from now and still remember what he looked like under the street lights on that summer day. I had a blast just walking with no real destination with my man on my side. Sometimes we would sit and have deep meaningful conversation, debate about our different views on the world and honestly he was totally flirting with me the whole night, haha. After five months I shouldn't think of flirting as shocking but the way our relationship started... it seriously is.
I actually don't think there was much flirting. It was me seeing what I wanted and him trying not to be a bad bro and go out with his friend's girl (ex girl). Like I said before (and like many Scorpios apparently) I'm totally interested if I'm interested but the second I lose interest you're gonna have to do something drastic which is what happened with Anthony. My Anthony... the guy who puts everyone else's happiness before his own...
There was one night we were laying together, the room was dark and only lit by candle light; I was upset at him because he didn't want to use the term "girlfriend" because he feared my ex would hear (my ex who didn't care) about it and finally tears rolling down my face I looked him in the eyes and said, "Can't you see?... That I think you're perfect. Not in the way a 16 year old love struck girl sees her high school boyfriend but in the way that I can see you for exactly who you are and I accept you for all of it and I want you for all of it... because you're perfect to me...just the way you are." He'll deny it but he held back tears cleared his throat and said softly and innocently in that smooth deep voice I adore, "You've been my girl friend since I kissed you Christmas night."......
So I guess last night was magical night number 3... Together we walked the streets laughing and having an amazing time looking at our shadows ("my hips sway a lot" "yeah but it's not a waddle" "who said it was a waddle?!" "nobody! I'm saying it's not a waddle" "By rejecting the fact that it is a waddle you must have thought about it BEING a waddle!" "'s a cute waddle..." "I DON'T WADDLE!") ;at one point he would only speak to me in song titles and/or movie quotes, haha. Last night I learned things about him I didn't know and vice-versa. He does this cute thing when he's tired... he puts his arm around me and digs his head into my neck and I know it's his bedtime cue. He's a year younger than me but in many ways I feel like he's teaching me with his cool tempered wisdom how to accept and relax and not blow up where as I show him that passion is an amazing thing and being emotional is scary but rewarding because you become that much closer to one another. We have no age as minimal as the difference is. We just are.

So... I believe in magic and therefore I believe in love. I don't believe people are "meant to be" because that's just bullshit abusive boyfriends say so they can fuck you over and you'll take them back time and time again...huh! haha but I do believe that sometimes people... just work. And so I guess the conclusion of this is that I used to be afraid of him talking to my ex but after last night and how much I feel like we "just work" I trust him. Don't trust my ex (actually every time he's mention I wish he was a Jew taking a shower in the early 1940s ((not anti-Semitic just being vividly historical)) ) but I do trust him... mostly. And for now Mostly is all I have for my beautiful blue eyed boy with the ruby pouty lips... So gorgeous :^)

Happy Anniversary, Love.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

No Rainbows without Rain

So thinking about it, my life has been awesome! Sure there have been times much like today where I could lay in bed all day thinking about nothing but the empty feelings inside of me. Okay so maybe that's contradicting but this is the way I see it. It's like my logic and my emotions are always battling the other. Such as I know my life is amazing yet I feel like there is always something more I can do to make it better thus making me feel like I'm not doing enough and that just makes me feel like crap...Maybe I'll start over...

At work people really actually like me. My bosses have a lot of confidence in me. Much more confidence than I have in myself. They think I'm really intelligent and capable of more than I think I'm capable of. My co workers say the same thing. I'm getting paid really well and life is good in that aspect. I live on my own with my bunny. Things are good. Yet I feel like I don't know enough and that there are some people at work that don't like me. So instead of focusing on all the positives the 2 negative things I think about are all that consumes me. It's pathetic actually.

I went to a little reunion with my friends. Jamie was leaving to Canada since he graduated so I figured I needed to see him before he left. The entire ride up there all I could think about was all the bad shit that had happened to me the first 6 months after I graduated. The hurt, the cancer, the broken heart, the deceit, the hair cut, the weight gain, the desire to die... Anthony and Carmen told me otherwise and said I was being silly. When I saw my friends they were so happy and excited to see me. We talked and joked, they introduced me to people, "this is Tania, she's super smart and a really good nurse." Dan and Balmos came up to me and asked me what it felt like to be a success story. What the fuck?! A success story? I feel so much shame about Derek and about my mental health during that time and how embarrassing Christina's betrayal was and how much of a fuck up-failure I've felt like and here they are after a year of seeing me, calling me a success story? And...Everyone loved Anthony. They told me how happy they were that I was finally able to leave my ex and make my life awesome. I'm really honest with Anthony so he knew what was up before we went. He's so effing understanding it's ridiculous.

Thinking about it maybe I should have taken more time for myself, I really should have been on my own for a lot longer than a month and twenty days. Sometimes people come into your life though... They come in and make you see another side of you. I have never felt the way with anyone else the way I do with Anthony. I'm not even talking love, because I've been in love before and that crap's completely over-rated. I'm talking respect and kind-heartedness. He is the first person I have ever met to put my needs first. And since my needs are always met by him and I am so grateful of him I put his needs before my own as well. It's this cycle where we both take care of the other and we work together to make sure the other has all their needs met. There is no complaining or nagging or anything. It's made me realize how high maintenance I am, haha so I've even been able to work on that. I'm much more laid back and I need much less to make me happy. We work. Times aren't always great but I've only gotten angry once and for a valid reason which was resolved as soon as he saw my eyebrows contract. When I say that it makes it sound like I have him by the balls and it's not that. He's so caring he doesn't even like seeing a frown on my face because it makes him frown. He's so good about not letting me worry.

Today the unfortunate happened but with his help, a hug and a little confidence he was able to calm me like a soothing bath. He came to my house early this morning and cuddled with me because he knew i had a rough night. Then he took me out on a day date of a great lunch and a movie. He refuses to ever let me pay too. I fight him for the check sometimes though because honestly all i do is work and not to brag I can afford to take care of him but all he wants to do is take care of me. The perfect gentleman.

My life has been riddled with obstacles and abuse and pain... For the first time in my life I feel like I actually have a partner who is on my side to help me. He puts everything in perspective and calms my constant nerves. If things don't work out, because sometimes these things don't, I know after the pain has subsided I've made a life-long friend and who I am to look for in the future. But if it's up to my I'll keep him as long as I can. My gorgeous blue eyed boy :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Spring Again!!!

As the title of the post suggests it is Spring once again. Snow melting, flowers blooming... A new start to the year. My last post was me looking up at the moon with my friend saying that I wanted a sweet guy. Well kids, wish on a star and perhaps your dreams will come true (I am fully aware the moon is not a star but it seemed appropriate). Since Christmas I have been dating the sweet guy I was really talking about when I said that in November.

I'm not saying times haven't been rough but they have been better. Around Thanksgiving Caitlin's grandfather died. He was a wonderful man and also the sole caregiver of his wife, Caitlin's grandmother. She had dementia and end stage cervical cancer. Caitlin's family was kind enough to trust me with being her caregiver. So 72 hours a week I was with her. The way she would speak about her husband was magical. She always talked about the first time they met. When she would ask me (at least 15 times a day) if I was married I told her no. She would ask why and I would tell her my last relationship ended with me in the hospital. She asked if he ever hit me when I would say yes she would scrunch up her face in disgust then smile warmly at me and say, "Good riddance!" She was the best therapy I could have asked for. She would tell me about the 62 years she had spent with her husband and call him her best friend. It was sweet but horribly heartbreaking. She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for her husband. I would have to go in and tell her he was gone and she would cry. "Why didn't God take me?" she would ask, "Because you needed to change my life" I would tell her. Throughout the few months I was with her she told me exactly who to look for. Someone kind, hardworking but someone who would never shout or put me down and would always make me feel like a woman and not like trash. Her words became my new anthem in life. I was with her until the moment she died and washed her body and clothed her. I even helped her daughters pick out what she was to wear in the casket. It was one of the biggest learning experiences in my life. I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. It was sad but very nice to say goodbye. Finally she was reunited with the man she loved. And if not then at least she didn't feel heart broken anymore.

By the funeral I had been dating Anthony for a week. The whole thing (meaning being with me) was very difficult for him because he felt like a bad person for betraying a friend's trust but in the end he came around. I remember that Christmas night like it was yesterday. Throughout the month our lips kept meeting but his betrayal issues kept getting in the way. Finally in December he told me he didn't feel the same and was not going to. FINE! (that's what I said mentally anyway). So I stopped asking him to hang out and would only do it as a last resort which I would let him know somehow. He felt the silent battle I had against the walls he had put up and with every hit I was slowly chipping away at it. A few days before Christmas I hung out with him and Tom. A few drinks later Tom left us alone (he was a big advocate of Anthony and me, ha ha) and our faces met again. He, being sober, stopped and began to lecture again. "Why do you think this keeps happening if you're 'so against it'?"
"Because you keep kissing me!"
"Yes, but you keep allowing it. Listen, if you don't want this to happen, fine. But I'm hot, sweet, awesome to be around and I like you. A lot." Needless to say he kissed me. But at the end of the night it was again something he shouldn't have done. So on Christmas I gave him the scarf I had made him and he gave me cookies he had made me with nothing of romance said. That night we all went Christmas bowling and since I was a "big mistake" when the other guys were flirting with me I decided to flirt back and have a good time. I drank and danced and had a merry time with my friends. Tom pulled me aside at one point and said, "whatever you're doing it's working." I told him I was just having a good time. Anthony came over to me a little while later and gave me a hug in front of everyone. When it was time to go home he had me sit on his lap in the back, he kissed me in front of his friends. When we were walking back to Tom's he held my hand and finally I said, "you don't have to do this. In the morning you're just going to regret it all anyway." I let go and walked in alone. That night Anthony told me he did like me and didn't want to lose what we could have. We've been together since.

I'm not going to say everything has been daisies and rainbows. We've had our share of talks... see what I wrote there? TALKS! Like two adult human beings, when something is upsetting us we talk about it. I have not yelled in months! Well except for exclaiming that. I have not gone to bed angry even one night. We both have our demons that we have to overcome but we hold each others hand and stand united against it. He's never said anything malicious to hurt me or get back at me. He's never called me a whore, or slut or bitch or even stupid. He raises my spirits when they are down and is always trying to make me smile. I have seen him frustrated just once and it wasn't even directed towards me. He's like a personal Zen garden. His hugs are my Xanax. Speaking of antidepressants I have not been on them since about February and I have been completely fine.

Anthony drove me to my interview at St. Peters. I was all a huff and completely pessimistic but he made me laugh the whole nerve racking drive there. He gave me a kiss and said, "I have a good feeling about this." I had a good interview with the woman from HR and she immediately had me interview with my bosses Shaun and Jessica. I interviewed with them for 45 minutes. I waited over 2 weeks to get an answer and when I finally did Anthony took me out to lunch. He's been so supportive.

I spent New Years with Anthony and ended up sleeping over. My father got pissed I stayed out all night on... New Years Eve, the one night where parties don't officially start until 12am... yeah he's insane. So I moved out. January 1st I grabbed my stuff and went to Rudy's. I was out of Rudy's last month because I got my own apartment and am now making adult money. So yeah. A complete turn around. I was able to do everything I couldn't do in the last relationship. Find a job, move out of my parents house, get an apartment, and be completely independent and responsible. I am even neat! I love cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and room and living room! I love being able to have peanut butter and fluff for dinner if I feel like it, haha. And watch Glee one my plasma while sitting on my awesome couch. I honestly feel I was able to do all this because I was doing it for myself. Making my OWN decisions. Not making decisions to make other people happy or because my relationship was being threatened.

I believe all the bad had to happen to get bad people out of my life. The sun is always out even when all you see are rain clouds. I just had to wait it out to be able to see it. Being an adult is fabulous! Scary and sometimes lonely because I honestly can only depend on myself right now but mainly fabulous, ha ha. I love my job! says the Pediatric nurse :) My life is amazing and I am so blessed. Soon Anthony will be done with school and maybe if all goes well we'll move in together someday. I'm no longer afraid of what my parents think I actually don't even ask them anymore. They have been extremely supportive and helpful since the demise of my last relationship. For every bad thing that was said about them by the single person who caused me more pain than I ever deserved, they actually stepped up and have been extremely supportive and there for me. But only when I ask them to. They have been very respectful of my privacy and request for independence. It's kinda shocking.

In conclusion life is good and I am happy, healthy, successful and in love. What more can I ask for? (a smaller ass, lol but I'm working on it)