Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Spring Again!!!

As the title of the post suggests it is Spring once again. Snow melting, flowers blooming... A new start to the year. My last post was me looking up at the moon with my friend saying that I wanted a sweet guy. Well kids, wish on a star and perhaps your dreams will come true (I am fully aware the moon is not a star but it seemed appropriate). Since Christmas I have been dating the sweet guy I was really talking about when I said that in November.

I'm not saying times haven't been rough but they have been better. Around Thanksgiving Caitlin's grandfather died. He was a wonderful man and also the sole caregiver of his wife, Caitlin's grandmother. She had dementia and end stage cervical cancer. Caitlin's family was kind enough to trust me with being her caregiver. So 72 hours a week I was with her. The way she would speak about her husband was magical. She always talked about the first time they met. When she would ask me (at least 15 times a day) if I was married I told her no. She would ask why and I would tell her my last relationship ended with me in the hospital. She asked if he ever hit me when I would say yes she would scrunch up her face in disgust then smile warmly at me and say, "Good riddance!" She was the best therapy I could have asked for. She would tell me about the 62 years she had spent with her husband and call him her best friend. It was sweet but horribly heartbreaking. She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for her husband. I would have to go in and tell her he was gone and she would cry. "Why didn't God take me?" she would ask, "Because you needed to change my life" I would tell her. Throughout the few months I was with her she told me exactly who to look for. Someone kind, hardworking but someone who would never shout or put me down and would always make me feel like a woman and not like trash. Her words became my new anthem in life. I was with her until the moment she died and washed her body and clothed her. I even helped her daughters pick out what she was to wear in the casket. It was one of the biggest learning experiences in my life. I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. It was sad but very nice to say goodbye. Finally she was reunited with the man she loved. And if not then at least she didn't feel heart broken anymore.

By the funeral I had been dating Anthony for a week. The whole thing (meaning being with me) was very difficult for him because he felt like a bad person for betraying a friend's trust but in the end he came around. I remember that Christmas night like it was yesterday. Throughout the month our lips kept meeting but his betrayal issues kept getting in the way. Finally in December he told me he didn't feel the same and was not going to. FINE! (that's what I said mentally anyway). So I stopped asking him to hang out and would only do it as a last resort which I would let him know somehow. He felt the silent battle I had against the walls he had put up and with every hit I was slowly chipping away at it. A few days before Christmas I hung out with him and Tom. A few drinks later Tom left us alone (he was a big advocate of Anthony and me, ha ha) and our faces met again. He, being sober, stopped and began to lecture again. "Why do you think this keeps happening if you're 'so against it'?"
"Because you keep kissing me!"
"Yes, but you keep allowing it. Listen, if you don't want this to happen, fine. But I'm hot, sweet, awesome to be around and I like you. A lot." Needless to say he kissed me. But at the end of the night it was again something he shouldn't have done. So on Christmas I gave him the scarf I had made him and he gave me cookies he had made me with nothing of romance said. That night we all went Christmas bowling and since I was a "big mistake" when the other guys were flirting with me I decided to flirt back and have a good time. I drank and danced and had a merry time with my friends. Tom pulled me aside at one point and said, "whatever you're doing it's working." I told him I was just having a good time. Anthony came over to me a little while later and gave me a hug in front of everyone. When it was time to go home he had me sit on his lap in the back, he kissed me in front of his friends. When we were walking back to Tom's he held my hand and finally I said, "you don't have to do this. In the morning you're just going to regret it all anyway." I let go and walked in alone. That night Anthony told me he did like me and didn't want to lose what we could have. We've been together since.

I'm not going to say everything has been daisies and rainbows. We've had our share of talks... see what I wrote there? TALKS! Like two adult human beings, when something is upsetting us we talk about it. I have not yelled in months! Well except for exclaiming that. I have not gone to bed angry even one night. We both have our demons that we have to overcome but we hold each others hand and stand united against it. He's never said anything malicious to hurt me or get back at me. He's never called me a whore, or slut or bitch or even stupid. He raises my spirits when they are down and is always trying to make me smile. I have seen him frustrated just once and it wasn't even directed towards me. He's like a personal Zen garden. His hugs are my Xanax. Speaking of antidepressants I have not been on them since about February and I have been completely fine.

Anthony drove me to my interview at St. Peters. I was all a huff and completely pessimistic but he made me laugh the whole nerve racking drive there. He gave me a kiss and said, "I have a good feeling about this." I had a good interview with the woman from HR and she immediately had me interview with my bosses Shaun and Jessica. I interviewed with them for 45 minutes. I waited over 2 weeks to get an answer and when I finally did Anthony took me out to lunch. He's been so supportive.

I spent New Years with Anthony and ended up sleeping over. My father got pissed I stayed out all night on... New Years Eve, the one night where parties don't officially start until 12am... yeah he's insane. So I moved out. January 1st I grabbed my stuff and went to Rudy's. I was out of Rudy's last month because I got my own apartment and am now making adult money. So yeah. A complete turn around. I was able to do everything I couldn't do in the last relationship. Find a job, move out of my parents house, get an apartment, and be completely independent and responsible. I am even neat! I love cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and room and living room! I love being able to have peanut butter and fluff for dinner if I feel like it, haha. And watch Glee one my plasma while sitting on my awesome couch. I honestly feel I was able to do all this because I was doing it for myself. Making my OWN decisions. Not making decisions to make other people happy or because my relationship was being threatened.

I believe all the bad had to happen to get bad people out of my life. The sun is always out even when all you see are rain clouds. I just had to wait it out to be able to see it. Being an adult is fabulous! Scary and sometimes lonely because I honestly can only depend on myself right now but mainly fabulous, ha ha. I love my job! says the Pediatric nurse :) My life is amazing and I am so blessed. Soon Anthony will be done with school and maybe if all goes well we'll move in together someday. I'm no longer afraid of what my parents think I actually don't even ask them anymore. They have been extremely supportive and helpful since the demise of my last relationship. For every bad thing that was said about them by the single person who caused me more pain than I ever deserved, they actually stepped up and have been extremely supportive and there for me. But only when I ask them to. They have been very respectful of my privacy and request for independence. It's kinda shocking.

In conclusion life is good and I am happy, healthy, successful and in love. What more can I ask for? (a smaller ass, lol but I'm working on it)

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