Purpose.

Later I will elaborate but right now all I want to say is, "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" I am so happy it's ridiculous! Finally my life is coming together and although it's not exactly as I had always planned it to be I have finally proven myself right. I do have a purpose in this life and I am finally fulfilling it. I am overjoyed. OVERJOYED I SAID!!!! AHHHHHHH!
That is all for now. :)

I deserve a piece of pie

Tonight sitting in my car looking up at the moon I mentioned to an old friend how I would love to fall in love with a sweet guy. "You deserve someone sweet" he said back to me in a husky monotone. Yes, I do, don't I? It hit me- the simplicity of it and how I would love that to happen to me. I don't need someone famous or insanely successful I just need someone to love me and make me feel safe. Someone who won't be afraid of loving me because they know they would never ever hurt me and I want to know that I would do the same for them. Perhaps it's too romantic for anyone to wish for but this is my wish; my desire. I want to be held close when I'm cold and to be given reassuring hugs and soft kisses on my forehead letting me know the feeling is mutual. I want to look in their eyes and see myself there and know I'm honestly the only person they're thinking about. I want to be trusted. A real fresh start. It would be wonderful to find that.
I am over feeling like men are my drug. I just want to be loved. I don't want to need it I just want to feel it. Everyone deserves love in their life. I know that from now on if I find the right person. I won't make any mistakes. I will be patient and kind and understanding. I've made enough mistakes for a lifetime and I know that another good relationship will never fall for any reasoning on my own. I know I will be a good partner, not always the best but really good. I'm not going to say I'm not ready for a relationship. Today maybe I feel like I would be able to handle the commitment but it's too soon after all the pain and hurt to say that I'm completely over it. I am still healing and I'm not looking for a band aid. But is it so bad to wish that someone could one day resemble the new skin that develops above the scar? The smooth skin that will time helps fade the scar of the past. I wonder what compels me to be such a hopeless romantic... Maybe because I feel like I deserve it. Now anyway.

You Can Grow

So I was right about not believing I could survive getting hurt again. But here I am broken once more putting the pieces back together. I've been beaten and battered and really tried hard not to make it through this time. As silly as death is it had really become a better option than having to do this all over again. I have a good support system and my friends gave interlocked their love like a net to break my fall. It's been really nice feeling loved even though he's not in my life anymore. I no longer feel alone which is amazing. I hardly miss the old me and I refuse to talk about it to anyone but my therapist. It's like a wound that's scabbing. I don't want to be reminded constantly how silly it was that I fell I just hope that once it's healed the scars won't be too noticeable. Unfortunately, I fear that these scars will be mangled and disfiguring... I was ready to leave everything I loved behind for the affection of one person. Now I have the affection of over 15.
The price I had to pay to finally get the support and help I needed was people being fearful of my mental stability but fuck it, all great artists have a breakdown once in their life. This is my quarter-life crisis. I expect various others in the future.
The other day I was speaking to my bud and was expressing how Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind had the right idea and how I wish I could erase the last 5 years of my life and start over. His response? "I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason like some people, sometimes things just happen. But that's life, so you can grow." These words and the love I feel from all my friends and family have wrapped me up in a warm cocoon- keeping me safe from the darkness that so desperately attempts to make it's way in my heart. Derek is no longer good for me, maybe he never was. He was my drug and I need to kick the habit. He does not control my happiness anymore. For so long I was sucked in to his pull knowingly allow myself to be dragged under into what was just an unhealthy situation. But unhealthy is all I've known for so long. I need non-crazy in my life and for right now I think I have it.

Sharing My Love

He has been a huge part of my life. I am glad to have him back but I desperately fear losing him again... He shared himself with someone else. I don't mean physically I mean emotionally. I allowed her to be part of my life and what has it done? Its only caused me pain and been a constant reminder of all the pain I have felt for the last 6 months. I am ready to move on from this chapter in my life able to accept it but no longer linger on it. I am in love as is he. Love has never felt like it would be enough but now I refuse to let it be anything but otherwise. I am happy. I am hurt. But I can only hope that this pain will falter and we will be left whole once more. I struggle with going with the flow. I want to control everything. But I can't anymore. If I get hurt again who knows if I will survive this time... So I hope for the best and keep my head high and my heart close to his. I never want to allow anyone else into my life and I don't want anyone else filling my place in his heart.
I've never been very good at sharing.

Upside Down

...For a moment I look at her and see a reflection of myself, a me I so desperately wanted to help and improve. Perhaps it isn't too late...

So in the past month my life has completely gone upside down in mainly positive ways. I am no longer in deep like of a guy who never really deserved me. I am now back in love with the person I was never able to completely let go. Life has a funny way of doing that- bringing people back into your life when you least expect it.

Many times I feel like I have so many eyes on me. So many people are watching my back that I make bad things happen to me just to feel what it's like. I need to make mistakes and learn the right path for myself on my own not the nicely manicured path my family wants for me. People gain strength in heartache and difficulty. They become better people because of it. Reality shows that focus on spoiled rich kids exploit the fact that people who never have real problems become self centered and horrible. If someone has never felt hunger they will never honestly be able to empathize with someone who is starving. So I am grateful for all the times I have had to fall and get up again. As much as everything hurts I am very glad to have gone through it all. I feel stronger and better suited for the world because of it.

I am coming to a point in the summer when the limbo phase of my life might actually be over. Well... depending on whether or not I pass this final exam. I hope I will finally be able to shine above it all and prove mainly to myself that I have actually done it. I am sooooooo ready for a new phase of my life. A happy and sane phase.

"Although both of our eyes are sad we find comfort in the fact that we are looking at each other."

Wish me luck...

Invisible Embrace

Every night before I go to sleep I close my eyes and imagine you holding me tight...

So I have found it in my heart to love again... well to like deeply again, lol. My last relationship ended in disaster and heartache but ultimately showed me that sometimes you just need to walk away. I've been emotionally and physically beaten and battered. Am I better for it? No, but I know never to be so stupid again. I'm now learning to open myself up and to just live no matter what happens. Picking myself up has been very fulfilling. For the first time ever I live to make me happy. My appearance and my weight aren't ruling my life anymore. Although I will never chop off all my hair again I know how liberating it feels to focus on other things in life then making guys look at me. I am becoming very secure with myself and what I want out of life.
Although tragedy keeps knocking at my door I will no longer play the blubbering fool. I can stand up and take charge. I can enjoy my life. I can love my life. And for right now... I do.

The cloud machine never sleeps

"On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps.
Like the burning desire I have for you
it can never be haulted.
Lights glow bright in the midnight sky
I wonder what your arms feel like.
will the honey spill over and make me feel whole again?
I wonder if you think of me.
On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps
it's all just a joke anyway..."

I validate myself through other people and I need to learn how to love myself on my own. My heart has broken and my ego crushed so many fricken times. I have become an object to everyone. A trophy to my parents and just the shell of a person to most of my love interests. If only I was just a blow up doll then they wouldn't have to deal with my pesky personality they can't stand so much. I am nothing but an object to everyone, including myself. I fear no one will ever just want me for who I am as a person. They all want to change me to make me this Perfect Tania. What's so wrong with me that I'm not that perfect version of myself right now? What gives everyone I love in my life the right to hurt me so much? It just seems the more people get to know me the more they want to change me... Perhaps that says something about me. Maybe I'm just bound to be unlovable... This all frustrates me and leaves me feeling extremely incomplete.

"Tonight I hold myself close because you're all slowly ruining me"

What will I focus on when I am finally happy? When men and food are no longer a preoccupation... I will have so much free time one my hands.

Did I just melt a little when I looked in your eyes? Nope it's just the thousand degree weather...

In Limbo

There comes a point in a person's life when they aren't a child anymore but yet they aren't an adult either. I'm at this point. I just graduated college so essentially my life is starting and the good times are about to roll. Essentially. But since my recent break up from my first love and the fact that I have to wait til a bunch of paper goes through to the state before I can start a big girl job I am stuck in a very depressing Limbo where I am alone and unhappy. I am unable to relax I have been told. So Limbo feels like a very small room that just gets smaller with each passing day. I know by September things will pick up and I'll be a big girl but my heart and spirit are so broken right now that all I can concentrate on is complaining.

Recently I decided that writing used to... if not make me happy help me through difficult times. So here's a collection of blurbs and poems I've written in the past month.

"Beneath the stars he kisses me
holds me close-we become entwined
the air sweet with honeysuckles and grass.
The breeze cool-his breath warm
all the anger and bitterness melts away
as we become one beneath the stars."

"Seeking a connection I kiss his lips
nothing.
I stroke his chest.
Less.
In the end my body is satisfied
Conscious clean
Yet I still do not attain what it is
I am looking for...
What is it that I am looking for?"

"She lies there pathetically mourning her loss. So much time and energy wasted. So much fucking pain. All over again she had to pull herself together and be strong. She was left unwanted and unliked. Most regrettably she was left all alone. Always fucking alone."

"Waking up when the sun is setting is routine for someone who feels forsaken."

"Tonight I weep
to release you from
my heart"

That's all for now. As you see they get progressively more depressing. Oh depression how you inspire so many cliches in my art form.


until next time...