Saturday, January 21, 2012

Best Friends

Anthony and I are going to get engaged. Weird to say that but yeah. Plans are in motion for that to happen. He decided to start saving for a ring and such and I'm getting my ass in shape if I want to get married within the next 2 years or so. Maybe it's too soon but honestly I really haven't been happier. His personality is so indecisive I was shocked when he made the decision. The other night I mentioned that most people just want to marry their best friend to which he replied, "well... You're my best friend." he's mine too. I don't think I've ever been so honest with anyone except Jamie and Caitlin. Whenever Jamie teases me that he's going to tell Anthony something I'm doing I just laugh at him and say, "he totally already knows, so go ahead." It's really true. There's nothing I haven't told him. My past, my present, my future... He knows it all. I even told him about Jamie (something which Jamie almost killed me for) and Anthony was just like, "cool thanks for telling me but I trust you. You cheat on me, the only one you'd be hurting is yourself." Which is completely true. I am so in love with him I really wouldn't want to mess anything up. I don't think I would find anyone who understands me more. Anthony just gets me in a way I don't even get myself. He knows exactly what to say to enforce a positive response. The other day he said something hurtful without thinking or intention. When he saw the look of hurt on my face and the tears well up in my eyes time just stopped with that look of complete sorrow on his face too. Immediately he came to me and said he was being stupid and didn't realize how hurtful he was being. He never wants to see me cry. Like, sometimes when we're making love I just get so emotional at how passionate it is and how much he loves me and I in turn love him I cry and he totally kills my buzz every time because he'll just stop until I stop crying. "I can never tell whether their happy or sad tears so I'll just wait." haha. When he hurt my feelings he said how much he hates when I cry, it hurts him to ever see me sad. He suggested when I hurt his feelings just to punch him in the face and say, "you're being mean." because it would hurt less than him knowing he made me cry. What more can I ask for? Marriage, I guess. The other day we were talking and he was betting me against something. "if you win I'll give you anything you want. Anything. I promise." Like a reflex, "I just want you to always be in my life, I want to always love you," came out of my mouth before I could censor it. I was horrified, "that... or a pony," I said trying to make light of the situation.
"I tell you I'll give you anything you want and you pick me in your life forever?" he asked quietly.
"Or a pony."
"what the hell would you do with a pony? Where would you store it?"
"my backyard? Or a stable?"
"then you'd have to rent... You're being ridiculous you don't want a pony."
"you said anything I want!"
"and you chose me?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
After this he paused. "let's get married."
"if you win the bet... Maybe even if you don't."
I won the bet :) That night I got a text at 2 am. "I love you lots, baby. If I could spend forever with you it would be the best forever...ever. I appreciate having you in my life."
My life is blanketed with a sense of calm. I have a partner. A real partner. One that calls me out on my shit without hurting my feelings or making me feel stupid. Our strengths and weaknesses are entirely complimentary. He's shy, I am too but I'm more outgoing than he is. My over emotion has taught him to recognize his own emotions. His clear logical outlook has pulled me back when I get too hot headed or irrational. We both love cuddling :). I think a lot of couples consider themselves best friends just because you should want to be friends with the person you're with but the truth is a lot of times they probably wouldn't be friends of they weren't dating. Anthony was my best friend when we started dating. He because my best friend on November 7th 2010 when he picked me up on the side of the road in tears with hospital bands around my wrists. He picked me up and let me talk and cry until I couldn't do either anymore. "You probably think I'm crazy. I'm really sorry." I remember how gentle his demeanor was... "I don't think you're crazy. You've just been hurt a lot and you're really sad." How could I not fall in love with him?
One especially hard day after the break up he sent me a message, "I've never been the type of person who believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things just happen... So we grow."
Anthony has seen me at rock bottom, it's how we established a more intimate part of our friendship, and yet here he is. If he could see me at my worst and not be scared away why wouldn't I want to spend forever with this man?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


The last few days I have been a deadly, can't move out of bed kind of sick. I've been on heavy stuff including some magic cough medicine with codeine. Needless to say this stuff is strong and has had me in a strange in and out trance for the last few days. Anthony and I took a little break from each other for the last couple of days as well. He had a trip planned with his friends which I thought was opportune time for him to think things over in our relationship and decide what he really wanted. It gave me time to reflect as well.
For the past year and some change I can only remember the awful things my ex did to me. I have no happy memories anymore. Well thanks to the purple drank I was prescribed on one exceptionally feverish and achy night I remembered the one nice thing about my ex. He was usually always there for me when I was sick. Taking me to the drs, holding me, even running a cold bath of my fever was too high. For the first time I compared Anthony to him and felt angry that Anthony listened to me and went on his trip. I'm an adult now and that means I had to be my own nurse. Making my own meals with high temperatures, remembering to take my medicine. Moving myself from the couch to my bed, ha. Well falling asleep annoyed at the fact that Anthony wasn't there I had a dream. It was amazing. Anthony and I were married and I was about to give birth to our first baby. The next thing I remember I have a beautiful little girl in my arms and I'm climbing about a million stairs with my mother. My baby had my complexion with big brown eyes but Anthony's beautiful lips. She was a weirdly beautiful combination of the best of the two of us... I was talking to my mother when I noticed she wasn't in my arms anymore. I had to search and search I was frantic and scared but then I found my daughter and who stole her? Well I did. If that isn't symbolism I don't know what is. This whole remembering shit from that evil scumbag... It takes me away from everything happening right now and from what could happen in my future. Anthony went on a trip because I told him it was okay. The truth is they don't compare. Anthony always has my back and is constantly attentive everyday that we spend together. Comparing that to the once in a while my ex was nice to me? There's no comparison. And today he got back and sat with me a few hours just rubbing my back and kissing my forehead telling me how worried he was and how much he missed me. He's so good. I really don't think I could ever find someone anymore caring and understanding if I tried for the rest of my life. Luckily, I don't have to. I appreciate what I have in front of me to the fullest. He knows that an loves me just as much. Life is interesting. I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm ready to create a new future. I don't know what to expect but as long as he holds my hand and I hold his, I'm not afraid; I know it's going to be amazing. I love him so much. Things are so clear. Maybe because I've spent 5 days unable to move... But I honestly have a new appreciation towards life. First thing I'm going to appreciate when I'm better? Breathing. I really miss doing that, haha.