Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Thinking long and hard I'm pretty confident in saying I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.
I've suffered from depression since adolescence. Everyday just sucked a bit more or less than the day before. For the first time in my life I feel secure and happy and confident. Anthony told me the other day he's the happiest he's ever been in his life without me even hinting at the fact that I feel the same. I have wonderful, interesting friends, a great career that is expanding everyday, a healthy lifestyle (down over 25 pounds)... I really can't complain. I'm entirely content with life. Shit is pretty damn ordinary but for the first time I'm not over thinking or being paranoid or pretending to know what other people are thinking. I feel amazing and completely ordinary at the same time. Life just feels like what happy people say it feels like. There's honestly nothing extraordinary going on I'm just accepting and mild tempered and under control.
I'm sure I've probably said all this crap before. Throw that out the window. Don't get me wrong looking back I've had happy times in past relationships and with other people but it feels good to be independent and live on my own, it's amazing to have a boyfriend that is endlessly supportive and says things like, "I just want to do nothing else but make you happy because you make me so happy." in the time that I have been with Anthony I have not heard one insult, not one bash at my appearance or personality. I bring him up because I think we both have helped each other out a lot, and I feel like we are both more sane for being with each other. I feel like I have a teammate that just cheers me on and is always proud of me and I can do the same.
I fricken love my job! I've met so many people and so many wonderful children. I feel so... Effective and essential, like I actually make a difference, which is amazing.
And although I'm losing weight and feel healthier I know I'm beautiful, and feel more confident with myself in general. My self esteem is really much higher than it was when I was my skinniest. It's not about the scale or even what size I am I just really enjoy exercising and being healthy. If I lose weight, awesome, of I dont, I still look great so who cares. The whole weight loss thing was first to say fuck you to all the people who ever wronged me, especially my ex but as I've grown and matured and found happiness I really don't care about that anymore. I love myself the way I am, and people love me as well. I make a difference in people's lives and if my ass is scary big, so be it because I am loved. The weight loss isn't an obsession anymore. I eat what I want except for stuff that's awful for me like fried food and pasta (unless it's gluten free or whole wheat) and just enjoy life. If I want to drink sangria at a party, damn right I will. Screw people and their perception of perfect. My skin is beautiful (so take that racists), my hair is beautiful, my shape is beautiful, my personality is beautiful. Honestly anyone who doesn't think I'm awesome can just go fly a kite because if they really knew who I was and didn't fill their tiny heads with lies they would know for a fact that I am sweet, kind, helpful, caring and all around fun to be around. For such a long time I questioned whether or not I was a bad person. The thought of it is ridiculous now. I wholeheartedly have dedicated my life to helping children, not because I want people to be like, "oh mah gahh you're awesome!" but because when a kid smiles it effing melts my Gdamn heart and when a mom lets out that sigh of relief that her kid is getting better I let it out with her.
Haha so in conclusion I would like to thank Prozac for making my brain feel normal. I don't give a hoot who knows I'm on antidepressants. If you want to call me crazy, fine, you were right but you aren't anymore. Just like people are predisposed to poor eyesight, or cancer, or high blood pressure, or heart disease, I was unfortunately predisposed to mental illness. The thing(s) that set me apart from my ex and other people saying, "you're gonna be crazy like your mother ," is 1. I'm not a mean person, you don't hear me saying "your gonna be a useless piece of shit like people you're related to" or "you're gonna be fat and ugly like people in your family" no, because if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all and 2 because the difference between me and my mother is I accept that these are the cards I was dealt and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I live a full and healthy life. Also, shame on you for thinking its an insult. My biological mother is kind and sweet and caring and generous and thoughtful and way better of a person on her worst days than you (insulters) are on your best. And this message goes to anyone that knows about my mother and has ever attempted to use it as an insult which I'm sorry to say has been more than just two bitter people.
Anyway mental illness is a real thing, chronic depression causes damage in the hippocampus (a part in your brain) and antidepressant actually can help rebuild that part. So it's not all about feelings anymore, there is physical evidence that depression/anxiety is a physical condition just like anything else and doesn't occur just because people are weak minded.
So anyway. I'm a fricken happy camper because everything in my life as aligned including my mental health :) da end.