Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Standing at the edge of a cliff

There was a boy with blond hair and blue eyes. Dreamy... well as dreamy as one 4 year old is to another. He had one of those fashionable rat ponytails that was so popular in the early 90's. He lived behind my house and he became one of my very first friends. When I made the transfer from catholic to public school he took me under his wing and introduced me to people. He was well liked, athletic and extremely funny. Everyone loved Matt. Including me. I always knew he was out of my league though and I accepted my place as friend. When it was time to transfer to middle school Matt moved away. He always asked about me, and I asked about him. Finally I found him on facebook but like most facebook friends he laid forgotten amount the other two hundred and something people I'm not even sure I really knew. When I switched my accounts last year after the whole Derek (coughshitheadcough) crap I just didn't happen to add him again. I was going through far too much shit. Apparently he was too... He killed himself. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why but for the first time in my existence I can hear about this suicide and understand. Just understand. Before I thought, "How could someone be so selfish? Leave everything behind for something that doesn't even matter!" In November I stood at that same cliff. I looked down and was at peace with the idea of all of it ending. People may feel like I was being selfish but really they were the ones being selfish. I was in too much pain. They needed to understand. I haven't really thought about the day since a little after it happened. Since I heard the news I find it hard to stop thinking about it. It's like the universe wants me to revisit that pain...
My mother asked me just before to check in her drawer for one of her credit cards and there I found instead, like a secret she was trying to stash, all of my discharge paperwork from 11/06/10. Diagnosis? Drug toxicity/ overdose and Depression. Along with that? My prom picture with Derek. Do I miss him? No. But I looked at the picture after months of not seeing his face and remembered how beautiful I thought he was. How much I fucking loved him. Its funny that my mother had put them together. As if she knew I would one day find it and she's saying, "He is who lead you down this road." I look at myself in the picture, still very young and looked so doe eyed. I look like I'm thinking, "He's so much more attractive than me, how can he stand being next to me?" I lingered on his face. Air brushed and pale... In my memories he's so hideous, every imperfection exaggerated. But this picture of 19 year old Derek looks so different than the man he became in my memory. Ha, then I remembered my actual prom where he at first refused to go and then finally caved as a little surprise only to cross his arms and barely say anything during my prom. He wouldn't dance with me. I barely remember leaving the table. I don't have pictures with my friends because although I was angry at him for being a party pooper I stilled loved being in his presence. What a stupid little bitch I was. I look at that girl and say, can you believe you stayed for so long? He treated you like absolute garbage but you ate all that shit up because you thought he was some god sent to rescue you from all the sucky shit in your life. He became my God. When you're savior forsakes you what else can you do but to end your worthless life.
I remember sitting on his bathroom floor after he wrestled me down to there (I think I had a knife?)... He gave me a Xanax and suddenly I was able to think unclouded by my agony although it was still there. I was going to drink all of my pain medicine with a bottle of vodka. I told him to get me both and he did because I'm sure part of him loved having the control of my life in his hands and the other part was curious if I would actually do it... I left his house ("If you're going to kill yourself don't do it in my house") and drove. I parked somewhere no one was around. I sat for a moment, closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel not just the pain of that day but all the pain I had ever felt. This is the right thing to do. You'll feel much better and no one else will ever be able to harm you... I thought. After it was done I went back to his house... because although he had forsaken me I wanted to die in his arms. Dramatic? Completely, but this was the ending of my life. I should be allowed to go out with a bang. My one mistake was saying goodbye to my best friend. I needed her to be strong and tell my family I loved them. Because that's something everyone needed to know. That I loved them but I couldn't do this anymore. Derek read the message and started freaking out. He left his house and went for a walk when I remember he had a stash of prescription meds he may or may not have stolen from his last place of employment. Among them? Ambien and Xanax. I took as many as I could and laid back down hoping the end would come sooner now. Caitlin called her mother who called my mother. She came to get me. To steal me away from my savior. I hated her for it but looking back now I see how much pain was in her eyes and how scared she was. How viciously she looked at Derek like a lioness seeping venom at him with every glare. "She's weak like you" or something like that I remember him saying to her. To my mother who was actually trying to save my life not being a little bitch ass coward like he was. My mother was far from weak in that moment. She took me home and tried to get me to vomit and she consulted with my brother. After that my memory ends. "I want my phone, Derek may have tried to call!" I said over and over again. It was the first thing I said to my father when I regained consciousness 18 hours later. Tear streaked face... My old man looked so weak, so utterly vulnerable and all I wanted was to know if Derek had called... He hadn't. Many months later I found out he had fucked the 16 year old the night I nearly died... Figures.
My life now? Nothing compared to that day. I am so happy now... but after hearing about Matt's suicide... For some reason I find myself questioning everything. Am I really happier? Is it really a good thing that I survived?... I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I wish I would have shared my story with him. About both my downfall and the success I have had rising from the ashes. But I can't blame him... the saddest part is that I know he died with at least a little bit of peace... more than he had probably felt in a long time. For that I am happy for him. But never again will I be so weak... If there isn't a god... well then I should be my own god and worship myself and be my own savior. That's what I have learned this year. I do feel rather sad though... and I also dislike reliving this time in my life... But I will never, ever...EVER be so pathetic again. The thing I love most about Anthony? "I want to enhance your life, not dictate it. Live your life... and let me be a part of it. not all of it." I hope I marry him... If not I promise he will always be part of my life, because I love him far too much.
I stood at the edge of that cliff and even jumped. Somehow I survived and although I have thousands of dollars in medical bills I'm glad I'm still here...

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Prayer of the New Nurse

I walking into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit... Everything replays slowly now... The tiny quiet unit hectic during morning report. I didn't want to do this but I figured I needed to see it with my own eyes. Walking down the hall I stopped one of the residents, "What room is she in?" she told me, "How is she doing?" Her eyes saddened, "Very bad actually..." I held my breath dropped my bags before entering the room. "You can do this... even if it's a bad idea." I stood at the window shocked as I saw her. I hesitated for a minute then let the air out of my lungs and pushed the door open. She was asleep yet the way she was gasping for air you would think had run a mile and then was trapped in a room with no oxygen. The way a fish looks outside the water, desperately gasping for air. Hungry for it. I was horrified, and saddened. Last time I saw her she was making jokes... now? The minute or two I stood there felt much longer. I surveyed her from head to toe. In her sleep she was gripping on the hospital bed rails as if the leverage may make breathing easier... may make living easier. Like a veil being dropped from the ceiling I could feel the weight of it all coming down. The scene now replays in slow motion. I wanted to dash out the room but as I turned to go, I turned right back and grabbed her hand, squeezed it and in the silence of my heart pleaded, "God, please..." Then I rushed out before the dark could reach me or pull me under.
"God, please..." Was all I could manage at the time... Two words... But what I meant behind them? I can't articulate what i meant because it can only be felt. Maybe on day I will find the words but right now, "God, please..." means volumes to me.
She's not going to make it... I bat away tears as I write it. I was holding on to so much hope but after today I can no longer not accept it... She is going to die... Only 16 years old... She never got to go to prom or learn how to drive... 16 and dying... I wonder if it would have as many ratings?
I went into pediatrics knowing it would be sad... Why didn't that protect me from this hurt? I guess it's like relationships. You go in accepting the risk of heart break... but is it ever really expected?
Last night I took care of a little boy who was practically in a coma the last time I cared for him a few weeks back. Last night he was joking and blowing me kisses, and playing with my hair. He even started crying when I said I was going home for the day. That fills me up with warmth... That warmth is what I need to focus on. Not the cold dark veil...
From this moment on I will be gasping for air... Hungry for life... and living every damn second of it to be a good person and do good things with my life. Loving my patients the way I do... Its really stupid. But everything I do is for them... I am too soft, I'm told from those who I have let in. I'd rather be too soft than cold and calculated. I know the burden I carry and I carry it proudly. I live my life by treating others the way I want to be treated (unless you're one of the few people I have cut off completely). Well if I was a mother I would want my nurse to know the pain I live at the prospect of losing my child. So I feel this pain... because I willingly signed up for it. I hope to kiss more booboos than shed tears of loss... That's all I can hope for. "God, please..." give me the strength, intelligence, dedication and patience to be a good nurse... A loving person... Amen.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Stupid little girl

Today I've been doing tons of self reflection. I feel really angry. I was talking to my coworker and she was sharing her past relationships and then she said, "I laugh at how stupid I was then." I can't laugh at my past... I don't look at it and chuckle at how dumb I was I want to throw that stupid little girl off a cliff. To think I was willing to give up everything. Willing to pay off his student loans and not have my mother in the delivery room... It was all obscene. Pay his student loans because he payed for us to do things on dates... I tried paying for dinner the other night and Anthony refused. I expressed how annoying it was that he never let me pay and he said "well then you're gonna be annoyed. I'm gonna pay for things because that's how I was raise. Men do that. And you pop a baby out one day far far in the future... It's only fair." I laughed but honestly I'm gonna hope and pray every day that I marry this kid. Because everything he is is everything I want. I want to not only care for but also be take care of and Anthony understands that. My last relationship? That stupid little girl was okay with minimal amounts of affection and attempts. Hell no anymore. If im working hard then he better be working hard too. So I guess I may be angry at the stupid little girl of my past but at least I know I'm never going to be her again. "my friend got a penis tattooed between her boobs... At least your mistake wasn't permanent." said my coworker. How fucking true is that. I need to take that little girl aside call her dumb give her a hug and finally let her rest. Because I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't learn the lessons she taught me. As moronic as she was. Anthony apologized again before he went to bed last night. "I never want you to be scared of me. I completely over reacted and I promise it will never happen again." Again I say I will marry this man :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Bitter Memories

So last night Anthony raised his voice. It was the first time I had ever seen him angry and much less at me. Before the sentence slipped out of his mouth he was already apologizing. It was over something insignificant which I guess hurt more. He felt horrible and I know if he hadn't been intoxicated it would have never happened. Its funny how a joyous occasion can transform in just seconds. As soon as I heard his voice sound angry I was apologizing over something that shouldn't have even been a problem. I felts scared and had to choke down tears as I could feel myself bursting into tears. I suppose I'm more traumatized than I thought. I cant help but feel angry at him for getting upset over something so small. He felt awful afterwards something that didn't help.
I felt like I was in another lifetime. I was automatically transported to the moment when my nose and lip were bleeding and the look of remorse on his face as he said he deserved to die for hitting me... What an asshole. And what more? What a little bitch I am for letting this moment of my past throw me into a mini panic attack. This little bitch who apologizes for things that aren't even her fault. I wish I could kill her... I thought I had. I guess she was just hiding in a closet of my subconscious waiting for the right moment to jump out. I hate that little bitch. She has no room in my new relationship. It took me all of 2 minutes to realize I was reacting to not what was in front of me now but what was in front of me then. After I realized that I was able to come back to reality. It wasn't that bad. Anthony should be allowed to express anger, it just better not be towards me. And so I told him that. I like how we work. No arguments, no anger. If he wants to change the dynamics then I'm out. I may have been overreacting but my sanity comes first. I need to feel safe with him. And I do. He felt so bad... "I feel safest when I'm in your arms, Anthony. I don't want that to change." He promised not to scare me again. I promised myself not to let a man scare me regardless.
He held me until I fell asleep and then he tucked me in like he usually does. He apologized and kissed me. I told him I loved him.
Everything will be okay.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Kiss Goodnight

As soon as all the drama started it ended. My life went back to normal in no time at all which is surprising because I tend to fester over things to do with my past. I guess this shows I'm growing up and moving on from my dark past.
Anthony has been absolutely amazing. We had drinks with my parents the other night. My father is rather fond of him as is my mother. My brothers have been cautious because of my last relationship but are warming up to him. There's really nothing to dislike. He's real and down to earth and his gentleness is overwhelming. Told my dad I was going away on vacation with him. I told him I hope he doesn't make wrongful assumptions and stops talking to me for months afterwards like he did when I got back from costa rica. He expressed that I'm not married and vacations alone are left for honeymoons. "this isn't 1965 papi, I am going on vacation I just hope you don't get upset." we agreed to disagree and he promised he wouldn't get upset. Oh the wonders of communication.
Anthony realized my dad was very old school the other night and asked if we were to get married what would customarily be appropriate for my father. I gave him the answer but was sure to hide my smile. Mr. I have trouble getting close is thinking about one day asking me to marry him. He's so silly. I'm so crazy about him. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. Being with him now is so amazing I really don't need anything else right now.
He's absolutely wonderful... I'm really so in love and he is too... It's amazing. He does this adorable thing... When he has to do something in the morning and can't sleep over he lays with me until I'm asleep and then he tucks me in before he leaves and tells me how much he loves being with me and how pretty I look when I sleep. "you're such a sleepy puppy" he whispers in my ear. "I love you too" I whisper back... I am so blessed!