Friday, July 8, 2011

Bitter Memories

So last night Anthony raised his voice. It was the first time I had ever seen him angry and much less at me. Before the sentence slipped out of his mouth he was already apologizing. It was over something insignificant which I guess hurt more. He felt horrible and I know if he hadn't been intoxicated it would have never happened. Its funny how a joyous occasion can transform in just seconds. As soon as I heard his voice sound angry I was apologizing over something that shouldn't have even been a problem. I felts scared and had to choke down tears as I could feel myself bursting into tears. I suppose I'm more traumatized than I thought. I cant help but feel angry at him for getting upset over something so small. He felt awful afterwards something that didn't help.
I felt like I was in another lifetime. I was automatically transported to the moment when my nose and lip were bleeding and the look of remorse on his face as he said he deserved to die for hitting me... What an asshole. And what more? What a little bitch I am for letting this moment of my past throw me into a mini panic attack. This little bitch who apologizes for things that aren't even her fault. I wish I could kill her... I thought I had. I guess she was just hiding in a closet of my subconscious waiting for the right moment to jump out. I hate that little bitch. She has no room in my new relationship. It took me all of 2 minutes to realize I was reacting to not what was in front of me now but what was in front of me then. After I realized that I was able to come back to reality. It wasn't that bad. Anthony should be allowed to express anger, it just better not be towards me. And so I told him that. I like how we work. No arguments, no anger. If he wants to change the dynamics then I'm out. I may have been overreacting but my sanity comes first. I need to feel safe with him. And I do. He felt so bad... "I feel safest when I'm in your arms, Anthony. I don't want that to change." He promised not to scare me again. I promised myself not to let a man scare me regardless.
He held me until I fell asleep and then he tucked me in like he usually does. He apologized and kissed me. I told him I loved him.
Everything will be okay.

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