Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Weird week

After the complete lover overload of last week I have been too busy to really see Anthony this week. Seriously I feel like I've been non-stop. Adding an hour of exercise to your routine daily really makes you have to figure out your schedule. Tomorrow (err today) I'm working out twice. Run in the wee hours of the morning followed by gym in the late afternoon but it will be completely worth it when I get to have yummy food with my ladies tomorrow (err today). I hope I make it to running. Gonna go with my aunt. Went and grabbed food with her today ended up talking for three hours. She's awesome. My mom was always apprehensive of letting me hang out with her because the "family talks too much" thankfully I'm an adult now and can make my own decisions. When I mentioned it to my mom she just said, "you're aunts very sweet, hope you had a nice time." haha after all that...
Ive been super emotional this week. The joys of having too many hormones PMS lasts half the month. I've been upset about Anthony losing his father so young. I cant even imagine... My aunt told me my father cried the last time he told her my adoption story. About how much he loves me and is so proud... I wonder if Anthony's dad ever properly said good bye or told Anthony he loved him and was proud... I just want to fix Anthony, make him all better. The truth is he's been acting like he's all better for so long that what he needs right now is to feel a little. What he went through was hard and devastating and heartbreaking... He just swept it under the rug. It hurts my chest just thinking about it. Shit, my parents ever dying is going to break my heart. It's inevitable, a child's burden, watching the people who wanted you and loved you and raised you eventually come to the end of their life... But not at 15. At some other more acceptable age. Sometime in a persons 40s or 50s.
I love Anthony so much. Although I have been in love before this feels so different. I can honestly say I've never loved someone so much as I love Anthony. I'm talking real love, not infatuation or dependence. Anthony and I are actually really independent. He has his friends and his life and I have mine. When I say I have never loved someone so much I mean, what we have is good, it's functional, it's healthy and it's based on complete mutual acceptance and understanding. Once you understand someone loving them is effortless. And when love is effortless then you can give and give and give and not get exhausted because you have a partner who is carrying his own weight.
There isn't a mean bone in his body. I couldn't even convince him to hate people who had been awful to me. In fact he tried to convince me to forgive them and let go of the anger. It took me a long time to listen because I was convinced the anger and hate was put there to prove it was real and that it happened and wouldn't happen again. That was probably true at first but not anymore. And so Anthony has convinced me to make my heart and soul pure. He's helped me become a better person by teaching through example. So now I try to repay him. I've been more outgoing when talking to people, I've been really active, and super happy. When you're happy with life people just want to see you ruined. Being happy and treating yourself well is not something that comes naturally, it is a conscious effort, at least for me it is... So as long as I'm working hard to make myself happy I hope to keep the bad vibes at bay :) gee night!

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Seriously, this kid is so appreciative it's hard not to spoil him. Just spent the weekend celebrating with him. Thursday lunch and presents, Friday dinner with his sister and her man and bar hopping in north jersey, Saturday breakfast and birthday dinner and drinks. We're too old for anything too crazy but we did have a really nice weekend. He is just so appreciative and attentive and knows how much I really love him. His friends were really sweet to me too, I think they finally get that he wasn't a rebound and that I really really do love the shit out of him. Lauren and Sean came. Omg I love those two. They are so fricken funny and cute and a blast to be around. I was nervous my friends and his friends wouldn't get along but they blended in so well. It was really a success. Im glad they didn't feel (too) old. In actuality they are only slightly older than me but the fact that their married makes a big difference I guess.
I'm really glad I'm (finally!) developing a relationship with Anthony's sister. She's so nice! As for her friend?... He's a nice person. That's all I'll say. She's an adult and super obedient. People do crazy things when their young... It's her 21st birthday in a couple of weeks. Anthony wants to get her a bottle of Scotch because he wants her to be a scotch drinker. Having sipped the stuff today I'd rather drink battery acid. I saw a book about pairing wines and cheeses I think I'll get her that and a bottle of wine. I'm trying to get her to come with me to Philly to visit Caitlin. By trying I mean I really want to ask her to do that but am still too shy. We're texting, it'll get there, haha.
I had a conversation with Anthony which I think impacted him a lot. I had a glass of wine (my treat for this week) and he was a few jacks deep- we were talking about life and how he feels kinda apathetic towards it. I can totally relate. 2 years in therapy and it isn't until recently that I'm finally feeling great and living well. Maybe I needed every part of my last relationship to be in the past... Or Anthony and I deciding our relationship had a real future... Maybe a little of everything but it wasn't until then that I was finally able to begin enjoying being myself. I finally realized that my whole life I was looking at happiness as a destination (ex: when I go away to college I'll be happy. When I lose weight I'll be happy. When I get a job I'll be happy. When I get married I'll be happy). Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of traveling. The reason I got to each milestone and was disappointed is because I was expecting the situation to make me happy instead of being happy all along.
So now I am happy, truly I just am. I can believe there are higher beings at work because when I say stuff like "now I am happy" I get tested like crazy. I feel like I've passed the tests as of yet and still maintain a smile. I've been living my life, working hard, losing weight but I try my best to stay positive. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks and have decided I'll let my clothes and how I feel be the judge instead of a scale. That scale caused me just as much elation, torment, anxiety, anger and heartbreak as my last relationship. It's because my relationship with food was abusive. So now although I'm curious because I can tell I have lost weight I let the mirror be the judge. I feel great about myself now and no one can put me down because I know I'm working hard not at losing weight but a loving myself.
Anthony has been an amazon support. He's constantly complimenting how I look and making me feel beautiful, sexy and like a woman instead of a potato (which is how I felt a few weeks ago). I guess that's the main reason I went all out for his birthday... He spoils me with so much love and support its insane. I never get a "you shouldn't eat that" or "are you gaining weight?" or "you should've exercised today," from him. Instead he's really encouraging. He loves being outside and exercising so whenever it's nice we take turns initiating playing outside. We go for long walks, play tennis, and Friday afternoon we even played basketball for a little bit (very interesting since I think the last time I was forced to play in gym class I was 15). And all of this has been in the last few weeks! We get out and exercise 3 times a week and it's winter! I can't wait for spring!
Anthony's the sweetest boy and really everyone knows it. I'm truly blessed :) I'm blessed for hundreds of reasons.

Life is as good as you make it. If life gives you a pile of shit then plant some seeds in that fucker and watch how beautiful your plants will grow. Something wonderful always comes out of an awful situation, even if it isn't evident at first, but only for those who take the time out to find the message.
Gee night :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Celebrating Life

Happy Birthday, Anthony!!!

Today (or yesterday as it took me like a minute to figure out how to post a picture) was Anthony's birthday! I am so happy he was born! We have been through so much together. He's seen me at my worst; heart broken, jobless, dysfunctional... you name it, he's seen it. Yet here he is and I could not be more please.

Although the birthday Grinch was tantrum prone at the start of the day (I took today off) it melted away within seconds of seeing how enthusiastic I was about his birthday. I spoiled the poo out of him (honestly, I just went to 5 and below and bought a ton of filler gifts and got him 2 big presents but he loved them all) with a gift bag full of goodies. Everything was thoughtful and a little silly. I had a "boy to man" theme which started with a "Birthday Boy" ribbon and ended with a fancy man watch. He was really excited after that. I made him the card I posted above. I bought him a bag with a dragon on it last year and we decided to save the environment we'd just reuse the bag for our birthdays. I then decided every year he'll get a Birthday Dragon drawing on a homemade card. I wish the idea was original but it was actually my best friend's grandfather who inspired me. He used to give his wife homemade cards with himself as a pig, it's hard to explain but incredibly cute. I'm not the best artist but I think he's cute.

I'm not sure what was magical about the day... Maybe because I'm just grateful we're together. We've both been through so much and he is just endlessly supportive. I feel like a new person... A new old person, ha. What I mean is that I kinda feel like I'm living the life I wanted to before I became jaded by love and reality after college. That cheerful optimistic fun girl of my youth has reemerged after all the bullshit. I spend so much more time smiling than crying these days.

Truth is alcohol is a hell of a drug... If used correctly it's wonderful for celebrating but for so long I used it for coping. I've stopped drinking and have started to remember how much fun life used to be just having fun and not wishing I was drunk so I'd have a better time. It really helps that all my friends have realized alcohol is bad too. We go for long walks and coffee and tea. The girls and I have decided to have 4 designated parties (one in each season) so we can have a party and get drunk responsibly without over doing. I guess for a while we were all over doing it. My one friend was 135 pounds and after she stopped drinking she dropped down to 110. Seriously it's unbelievable how unhealthy alcohol is for you. Who knew? Haha, just kidding. I have a great time just hanging out with people and talking. I have the best conversations with my friends. It's nice to be able to speak intellectually with people.

My life has become enriched in so many ways. I guess that's why today was so great. Anthony opened his presents, we went out to a late lunch, we got his watch re-sized then went for a walk. He and his mom went out to dinner just the two of them and then I picked him up for some birthday coitus, haha.

Driving back I got a little upset. I'm ready to settle down with him. Not necessarily with a house and kids and marriage but at least moving in with each other and having it move towards the rest of that and I keep getting green and red lights from him.

"Listen..." He paused for a full minute, "I love you. It's not that I don't want to be with you, me not being ready is not reflective of you. You're amazing. I love you...more than anything, probably. Sometimes when I have a bad day or am upset all I want to do is talk to you about it, even if it doesn't always help." I pouted, "That's not what I mean, sometimes my problems can't have easy solutions but I want to talk to you, I want to share... I've never had that before in my whole life. I'm not stringing you along, I just want to have a good job and be mentally and emotionally healthy before I drag you into that chapter of our lives. But you make me happier than anything or one and I never forget for a second about how much I love you. I am constantly reminded of you in my everyday life. You make me feel special and you make me happy. I love being with you. It's not fair of you to think otherwise."

He's absolutely the sweetest person. I'm so lucky. We had a magical day because we genuinely love each other so much. We did nothing fancy or out of this world we just appreciated one another.

I have festivities planned for the rest of the weekend. Oh yes, we are taking out a page of the book of Spoiled Tania and celebrating the whole weekend long. Friday is dinner with his sister and her boyfriend, Saturday celebrating our friends and Sunday my parents want to take him out. Busy busy busy but super duper happy :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Since I'm awake I shall use up some energy writing nonsense. Today was lovely. I got told I was beautiful by a woman who was staring at my vajayjay, it was a nice compliment whether she meant my baby maker or my money maker (my face). Three different people told me I looked great and they could tell I was losing weight. I fit into my sexy jeans again. Then I made cupcakes for Anthony and his mom and sister. His mom was very please, she liked them a lot. She's really nice and very shy, you can tell where they get it from. I've been spending more time at their house, I've helped her clean up and make dinner, she's warming up to me little by little. Then my valentine and I went to sushi. Omg it was amazing. I'm so glad I found a place as good as Nizi close to home. I packed cupcakes for me and Anthony and we went to Starbucks and had them with coffee. Then we came back to my place and played with my bunny. She was being so sweet. I really love her. Anthony expresses how much he misses Ben sometimes. It always makes me wanna cry. Then we went to heaven and back and watched the beginning credits of The Graduate before my boo tuckered out. He's currently passed out next to me. He had daisies and purple roses delivered to me, it was really sweet and now I have an awesome purple vase :). I got him love sneakers (they're just like regular sneakers only romantic... Okay I'm lying they're just regular sneakers) and chocolates and a homemade card of us as "moopets" he liked it. His birthday is tomorrow got him presents, feel like I should do something else but I guess I'll be taking him out. He doesn't know what he wants to do. I'll consult his friends and family and we'll decide on it I suppose. Anthony told me his father used to have flowers delivered to his mom and sister every year and he would send him a plant for valentines day. Can't wait til I have kids :) It made me feel special he did something for me by following in his father's example. Really sweet. I'm going to write an essay about 100 things I love about him for his birthday I think. Maybe I'll share it. Gee night <3

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm silly

I realize I've gushed about my dad and Anthony's relationship so much I'm repeating stories. I just love the two of them and I love that they're friends!!!! Okay officially toning it back. No more papi and Anthony talk for at least a week.

Single Persons Awareness Day

Two years ago I got dumped on Valentine's day because the dude I was with at the time didn't wanna spend any money. It was then that Jamie created
"singles persons awareness day" so that I'd stop crying. We watched horror movies, it was cute. Jamie was always there for me. I'm shocked he put up with all of that. A few weeks ago he kinda mentioned that if things were different maybe we would be together right now. He admitted my qualities are what he wanted in a girl. This probably would have confused me just a few months earlier- don't get me wrong I felt the bubbling of old unresolved feelings in my chest but it was something controllable- almost like phantom feelings. The line between us was always blurred. We were best friends who would hold hands and cuddle when I was single. It always remained innocent, he never crossed any lines and I didn't really push it. When he admitted this I told him I secretly count what we had as a relationship as skewed as it was. There was no sex or anything but emotionally I think we both counted on each other like a significant other. I always wanted more but I never would admit it. He's the type of person who will deny until the day he dies that there was anything between us- we were just friends- but he'll let it slip to me.
I've seen him at his most vulnerable and he's seen me too. The bond we had was something we both cherished.
But things are different now. I love Anthony with more of myself than I bear to admit. I don't want to be with anyone else. For the sake of my relationship with Anthony I've had to start pulling away from my dear friend. He was there for me every time my heart was broken, every time I was lonely, every time I needed him... I can feel his resentment towards me. He knows me too well, knows I'm acting differently... He'll mention he thinks I'm pulling away...
I don't know what the right thing to do right now is. I know my best friend needs me but I want a life with Anthony. I feel like an awful person for choosing my ho over my bro, ha. I don't want him to hate me but I think he'd do the same... Probably not, ha.
I feel like a bad friend but like I said last time I can't keep putting other people before myself. My happiness counts.
My parents sense there's something more in Jamie that I can't see. They both cornered me intervention-style the other day to discuss it. They said they could sense something more in the way my friend interacted with me. They blurted some bible verses about temptation being cunning... I dunno. I got the point though.
It's funny how much my dad loves Anthony. Seriously he'll call me up and tell me he made Anthony dinner, "am I invited too?" my response always makes him chuckle. Anthony and I joke that one of these days he and my parents are going to go on a date and forget all about me. I honestly prefer it this way. I'm back in the role I was destined to lead in- daddy's little girl. My dad even jokes with Anthony about how to handle me, "Anthony, just say yes, Tania gets what she wants so avoid the headache and just say yes." Why thank you, Papi, ha. At least he's ensuring I remain spoiled forever.
I always get bombarded when it comes to giving presents. Our anniversary is the day after Christmas and his birthday is two days after valentines day. Got him a bunch of nice stuff. We're going out to dinner and then probably watching Disney movies, my kind of date :)

I'm tired so I'm not gonna proof read this. Excuse the typos. Happy Valentine's day

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Under Your Skin

Honestly I write most of the shit I do to see if "some people" are still paying attention. Seriously, i have a journal where all my real thoughts go. You think all I think about is how wonderful Anthony is and how evil my ex was? You think my profile picture of me and Anthony making out wad put there by chance? In the end these people are the one's who are still aware of my movements. I know nothing of what they do. I don't spend time trying to find what their writing on twitter or Facebook. I don't read their tumbler or however you spell it. I have been living my life. Truthfully I have heard that stories have been told to people about me and Anthony. My darling boy tells me just to leave it alone and ignore it. We're happy together and who cares what anyone else thinks. I allow annoyance get the best of me and respond with passive aggression. I'm not saying anything untruthful unlike stories said by others. Anthony started dating me knowing full and well the person I was. Tell him anything you want, he knows it all. I keep no secrets and he's known the struggles I've had with all my demons. Our relationship started with me being a drunk and using men. Instead of judging me and calling me a whore he asked me what the real problem was that forced me to act out the way I did. He truly helped me overcome all the bullshit of my past. What happened to me when I was 13 was awful and I kept revisiting the experience by placing myself in similar situations. I have been completely honest about every bad decision I've ever made in my life with Anthony and anyone else who asks me for that matter. Some people have been using lies so long it's the only language they speak; honesty must seem like such a foreign concept. It's cute when cheaters and liars point fat fingers at me. They are so incredibly insignificant. One day they'll realize that.
I honestly am tired of having to live my life guarded having to block them from Facebook, twitter, instagram... Enough is enough- I'm just living my life. If it bothers you that without mentioning your identity I call you a creepy fanatical ho well then stop reading, no one is forcing you to and honestly I have tried everything so that you can't. In the end what you say is so hilariously inconsequential and I say the things i do to rouse a response and prove how creepy you are so thanks for proving me right. Write whatever slander you want about me on social media- I'll be none the wiser because I won't see it. I'm not going to stalk either of your pages because I don't care about you.
I'm sure there is someone going through what I am going through now who should know that the anger and resentment stays with you... Probably forever but it eventually wanes until you only think about it when you want to look back on the mistakes. And haters are going to constantly try to pull you down. The only remedy for this is to live extremely well which is what I am doing. Anthony deleted the creepy message I got like 10 minutes after I posted my last entry before I could read it entirely but the last line mentioned something about if I really wanted to make them jealous I should lose weight and get a job or something like that? Hahaha if they only knew...
My life is my own now. I really have been able to live my life but not fully like I want to. Knowing that I need to avoid certain places to not have to deal with gossip and drama is something that has forced me to really realize all the things I need to do to be truly free. Some people are prisoners to their own guilt- I have none. Ive never been one to live with regrets, everything is a learning experience. My whole life I have been impressionable and easily swayed, it's just a survival instinct I have to want to blend (probably because I was adopted). The only way to alleviate this curse is to keep good influences around. For the first time I'm not under anyone's pull but my own because the friends I keep now are strong independent individuals who are kind and incredibly intelligent. I love my life. It's completely different than it was even 6 months ago and everything has been for the best. I've always put others before myself thinking its selfish to do anything otherwise but with time and ultimately maturity I find that people don't give two shits about me and if they truly loved me they would want me to put myself first.
I honestly have nothing against anyone. I don't like certain people for what they've done to me but I'm adult and objective enough to realize that they could be completely different now. Just because I was their punching bag doesn't mean someone else is. And just how I did foul things back doesn't mean I am doing the same with the person Im with now. People grow, they change, they evolve... Well some people do. I gave people of my past chances and chances to prove they weren't bad people only to have them lie and tell people they had restraining orders against me... This taught me a lesson I won't forget: not all people deserve my kindness. Some people aren't repairable. But I am worthy of my own kindness and I have been able to fix myself. Scientists say that the mind isn't truly mature and able to comprehend decision making until a person is about 25 years old. It is entirely true. I used to be so lost and rebellious and made so many mistake thinking I was so much smarter than everyone else. I now appreciate that people are wiser than me and the only way I can be wise like them is to acknowledge and learn from my mistakes.
I wish everyone happiness in their own pursuits. If I call you a ho in passing its to get under your skin because I assume you're reading my shit but I truly don't give a fucks about you and you should feel the same towards me.
Finally a little insight about myself... The last time someone called me stupid I ended up graduating at the top of my class, the last time someone called me fat I dropped to a size two within a year, the last time someone told me I'd never find someone as good as them I went out and snagged the best person I knew. I am a master at proving people wrong :)

Stupid Blackberry

My mom broke her phone and has been trying to use my old blackberry instead but she cant transfer any of her pictures or contacts. I'm technologically retarded and yet she gives me these impossible tasks. Anyway I finally start up the stupid blackberry and what do I find but a shit-ton of old text messages from my ex the night I was angry at him for not letting me and Anthony be together or something like that. Its weird how memories fade and turn into something different with time I bet now he would deny what he said but...

Nov. 24,2010 12:08:08PM
Okay then... Well, unregardless of that, I'm glad we talked and I still meant everything I wrote in those e-mails, and we will be together and live the fantasy we wanted for so many years. bye for now I guess. I love you and I hope you stay safe and happy until I see you again

I feel like life tries to punch you in the gut the most when you are finally letting something go. This did nothing but made me realize how people change and how they lie and how they skew memories. His side of the story... well who the eff even knows what it is. I've heard tidbits from other people painting Anthony and I as the terrible Bonnie and Clyde act that ran away with each others and left him in shambles. Quite honestly he dumped me in the most awful and destructive way a person can and I wasn't even at the hospital when he was already sleeping with his little hoe (on my birthday :) ) Anthony and I got together after all that crap happened. Not during or before. There was nothing romantic there until my ex took himself out of the question. I moved on, like most people do. I don't even care whose right and whose wrong I just wish it would be over and the truth remains that it won't be over until I 1- stop caring what people believe and 2- remove myself and Anthony from the equation. No one cares anyway.

I don't see it as running away because I've stood my ground in my own town for over a year. I really just want a change. I've played it safe my whole life. Honestly, the "fantasy" that he wanted for us was just that, a fantasy. But there's nothing stopping me from doing all the things I wanted to do now besides myself. Whether Anthony comes along is entirely up to him. I'm not obligating him to do anything he doesn't want to but a year from now I am hoping to have my life be completely different than it is now (different meaning better). My life now isn't bad it's just... safe.

I've grown to not be so dependent on my significant other. Anthony is amazing, don't get me wrong but when I eventually do decide to make this change (haven't decided exactly where to go yet) I'm okay with the prospect of going on the adventure alone. I love him more than anything but I'm learning to love myself too. I need to do something with my life that I'm proud of. I've already gotten a degree, helped save lives, moved out of my parents house... These were all things that needed to happen so I could grow up and be a functional adult. I need to do something I really just want to do. Go on a road trip, join a club, move to a city, take up a new hobby... I really have no idea but I need to do something. I feel so.. blah right now.

In other news my 13 year old nephew got an ipad 2. I will say nothing forward and remain as vague as possible as to how i feel about this.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I get by with a little help from my friends

My friends are amazing. It's weird how life brings people together like magnets. As I get older and my friendships mature I only grow closer to these connections. In my life there are people who have stuck it out and allowed me to go crazy and still love me even through the bullshit. Andrea, Caitlin and I were always so close and even though life threw us every which way we've managed to find each other again and fall back where we were. I've even made new friends in Lauren and Victor. It's weird how we've all found each other. We've experienced tragedy and real hardship and talking to all of them is the best therapy because I've realized I'm not alone in the madness. I am so fortunate to have found a group of people who really understand me as a person and even share some of my crazy. For the first time I feel like I belong. These people have become a family to me.
Caitlin has been and always will be my sister. Until the day I die that girl will be my very best friend. I am so lucky to have her. Shes so smart and funny and amazingly talented its ridiculous... I am seriously so glad she's a part of my life. Living in different states has never affected our relationship because there's never been any bitterness there. I've always been able to tell her anything. She's never intentionally hurt my feelings and for that I am very grateful.
Andrea is so much fun. She's silly and funny and really on a journey to finding who she really is. I'm so glad to see the transition in her. As she learns more about herself she's really let me in and allowed me to enter her life. I love being friends with her. She has the best most perverse sense of humor which matches my personality so much.
I gave up on the concept of soulmates after shithead ruined the meaning of it but thinking about it I think I was destined to meet these people. Caitlin and Andrea are really my soulmates. I know I can count on them to hear me when I'm sad (and vice versa) share laughs with me and let me be myself. I don't have to change myself to impress them. The like me for who I am... They LOVE me for who I am. And really they don't have to. I'm not having sex with them or baking them cookies or begging them to love me. They just do. Life brought us together. I needed these girl because they've shown me that nothing about me is too scary to love. I feel like that's a true soul mate. I didn't talk to Andrea for a year or two and then out of no where our friendship just fell back together. There have been months when I don't see or hear from Caitlin but my love for her never wanes or falters because of it. The understanding of knowing we're best friends and always will be is so reassuring. Every time I see her it's like no time has gone by at all. Knowing that no matter what you do or where you go there's someone out there who loves you even though they dont have to... Well, Caitlin and her love has saved my life probably more times than she knows.
Anthony is another friend I'm so glad I have in my life. Honestly if we ever break up I hope I can put aside my emotions to remain friends. I don't think he's ever let someone in like he has let me into his life and I don't think any other man understands me more than he does. I really hope we stay together. He has so much growing to do and honestly so do I. Goodness knows he's put up with his fair share of crazy bullshit from me. Honestly the only thing he's ever asked of me was to allow myself to be happy. He is endlessly supportive. I can't help but want to return the favor.
Caitlin, Anthony, Andrea, Lauren, and Victor are incredible people who have entered my life and have chosen to like me for exactly who I am. People always say friends are more meaningful because they're the family you choose but I honestly feel like no conscious decision was made on my part. Life brought us together and has made me a better person for it. I am so blessed.

Ps it is 3:37am... Note to self: don't drink 2 cups of coffee at 1am. I've made a powerful mistake, haha.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Beginning of Awesome

I feel like a douche whenever I talk about Anthony, but since I'm pretty sure no one ever reads this so it's okay. I can't help but go on a rant about how amazing I think he is whenever I start talking about him. Anyway...

Life is great and I have been blessed with so much. People forget that they could have been born as a starving baby with HIV in Africa or the child of white trash (seriously I know of a girl named Daytona). I cringe to think of a life of feeling entitled just because my eyes are blue and my last name doesn't end with a vowel. Sorry, I'm getting preachy. It's late. Anyway, when I was little my mom, like probably most moms, would tell me to eat my vegetable or to take care of my toys because there were kids in Africa who had nothing. I'm pretty sure this leads to racism, haha. Not really but I clearly remember always thinking, "I don't care about them, they aren't me!" as I begrudgingly stuffed green beans in my mouth. I'm mainly rambling and for that I apologize but the point is... Heartache, poverty, unemployment, bad luck- all of that is humbling.

I compare myself to everyone.

My whole life I was always upset because I wasn't as pretty as so and so, or not as wealthy as other people, or as skinny or as... the list is endless. I was never enough and everyone else's life was better than mine. Having my feet kicked out from under me made me realize life could be much much worse. Until very recently I was still that kid thinking I was the center of the universe and what I've lived through was the worst anyone has ever experienced. Now when I have a bad day I take a deep breath and say, "Well... at least I have my clitoris!" Haha, that was vulgar, I apologize. In all seriousness at least I'm alive. All of my problems and "ailments" are all reversible and the only person stopping my life from being awesome is myself.

Change is not easy.

On a molecular level for anything to transition or change it takes so much energy to get molecules moving and shit happening. My point being change takes extreme amounts of effort. Life never stops being hard but it can become more enjoyable if I stop putting my efforts into bitching and complaining about how my life isn't as easy or awesome as... I dunno, someone rich and awesome, and instead use that effort to change my own life.

My brother Danny is a great inspiration. He's been in remission for over a year now and what is he doing with his life? He's back in school to be a substance abuse/grief counselor. Although I wish he would take care of his health a little more maybe for right now he has to take care of his soul first.

I'm so attached to my family... I really don't know what I will do if (I feel morbid saying when) I lose them. My mother is a horrible person for making us love each other so much. My parent's have been so amazingly supportive. I wish when I was growing up I had this relationship with them. My dad has been amazing. He and I are really close now. He opens up to me and actually smiles and really laughs (no more fake laughs). He's stopped being so angry and phony. I guess everything my family has been through in the last year and a half must have been really humbling for him as well. I think Danny getting cancer was probably the best thing to happen to my dad. He realized how horrible he had been for a long time. How much pain he caused. I guess it just made him think that it could have been any of us diagnosed with cancer and if we die what memories he had with us. He couldn't remember any good ones for a long time. So he was knocked off his high horse and forced to reevaluate himself. "Perdoname por no ser un papa bueno... Pero yo quiero cambiar," he said to us one evening and since then he really has (haha I realized after proof reading that I never translated this. It says, "forgive me for not being a good father but I want to change).

My father loves Anthony. Seriously, he always greets him with a smile and a hand shake and has even made a few jokes. Like the other day we were playfully arguing about something while hanging out with my parents and my father says, "Anthony, some advice, Tania always gets what she wants, just learn to say 'Yes.' It'll save you time from having to listen to her." Haha, bless my father. Ensuring I will be spoiled the rest of my life :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Ghost of Myself

I've started living in the last few weeks. Its funny because I thought that I had been living all this time but I really wasn't. I thought I had everything under control in the way I wanted it. "I wanna be over weight and avoid all my old friends" "I want to watch hours and hours of tv in my pjs and do nothing of value with my life" I wish I had figured all this out before but sometimes life just needs to give you a good bitch slap to make you realize, "What the fuck am I doing? This is NOT the way I wanted my life to go."

"People" have been awful to me.

I am not an awful person.

Something about having someone encourage you to kill yourself- to feel so honored that you would do that for them- makes you hate yourself. I have hated myself everyday since I woke up on a hospital stretcher with my tearful father holding my hand... How could I have been so manipulated and conned? How could I have cared for someone who was just an enormous piece of ingested shit that was shitted out again? How could I have let myself be punched and insulted and dragged and pushed and completely demeaned and embarrassed in every sense of the word? HOW!!! HOW could I have allowed a the person who fueled and manipulated all of this to enter my life once again. How did I not see how manipulative both of them were? How?

Because I believed I deserved it.

I have believed that I am a failure since I nearly gave up my life for something that had always been a fantasy. I became everything people who wanted to see me fail in life thought I would become all the while swearing otherwise. In the last year and... three months I have learned and worked through so much. This is the final phase... Reclaiming my life.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Who the fuck is this mopey ass bitch and why the fuck has she been sabotaging my life?!" is a sentence I have been yelling at myself over and over again today. I've been losing weight, I've actually been able to lose a substantial amount of weight in the last few weeks. I owe Anthony for pulling me out of... well, myself. I feel that it is unfortunate that it took him to do it and not myself but it still served as the motivation I needed. I could gush about the kid for hours...But honestly I have sucked this past year. I'm an amazing girlfriend, hands down, I treat that man like the prince he is but I have not exactly been a fairy tale to deal with. After all this he still wants to marry me. Honestly if we don't get married, if we fall apart or just don't work out, the gesture alone was meaningful and helped me realize that I sucked as a person. I was constantly depressed, over weight, unmotivated and generally just a shell of the person I once was and yet... he still loved me and sees me for who I am, who I really am! Under the weight and sadness and self inflicted torment. He sees my potential. He understands and accepts my tortured soul routine but would say to me constantly, "I wish you would see your life as it is, not what you think it is. I don't like when you cry... I really just want you to be happy." It would be gentle sentences said to me as I sobbed into my pillow like a toddler or lay affectlessly on the couch. I wasn't actively trying to end my life but I was passively letting it pass me by.

His love was yet another one of life's bitch slaps. It took him a long time to love me. Let's face it,I didn't even love myself, but when he got to that point to say that one word... (Flash back! to the moment Anthony told me he loved me... It was night time in Puerto Rico and we were lying in the gloriousness of a four and a half star bed, the moonlight was bursting through the sheer white drapes that suited the tropical local perfectly. Both of us drunk on our own love and the beauty of our surroundings laid quietly holding each other. By this point sometimes I would let those three little words slip out but since they weren't recipricated I maintained them to a minimum. I started chatting away about how grateful I was to share this awesome experience with him. "moosh moosh moosh" I was saying. There was a long pause and he inhales deeply and then says, "Love..." and proceeds to squeeze every ounce of air out of me and say "love, love, love, love, love" over and over again. It took him a couple of days to say all three words "I, love, and you" together. So he only said one word the first time he told me he loved me.) Like I was saying... When he got to the point to say that one word, you best believe I was bathed in love. Anthony is a very logical an rational person. Love for him had to follow some type of equation or mathmatical algorithm or something. He held back until his feelings overflowed what the "right amount of love" was. It honestly made it that much more meaningful. Anyway... He has loved me with his whole heart and when he said marriage is something he sees for us...

I woke up.

It was like I had died on my 23rd birthday and a sad ghost of myself was trying to keep going, to keep living. But like a ghost I was tied to my old life by invisible tethers called regret and shame which would keep pulling me back every time I tried to move on. Truth is... I wouldn't marry me right now. I am not the person I wanted to be. This is not the person I am. When Anthony pseudo-proposed I realized I have so much work to do to make myself worth marrying. I love Anthony so much. I feel like we work perfectly with each other. I couldn't ask for a better partner to have for the rest of my life. But he deserves better than what I have been giving him. Sure, I love him with my whole heart but I don't love me with my whole heart. He deserves the best and that includes me at my best.

So I found my voice again and my voice is saying, "Get the fuck out of New Jersey!" I think it's what Anthony and I both need. So hopefully this time next year I will be living with Anthony in an apartment somewhere completely different than here. I really really don't want to be a townie. I've come to hate everything familiar. Maybe one day I'll come back with my tail between my legs and raise my kids in Jersey but it seriously will not be without living in a few cities and seeing some of the world. I am so pumped!... and completely terrified. This is something that I need to do. I envisioned myself posh and successful... I'm not going to make that happen in Central Jersey... I hate it here too much. :)