Thursday, June 30, 2011

Anger Bubble

Frustrating is the fact that people tell me things that I don't want to know. More frustrating? Getting woken up at 4 am on Sunday morning for no good reason which leads me back to the first of people telling me things I don't want to know. Ha, whatever. I can't blame people, I mean I used to be in the exact same position. Took me a long time to get out actually. I would still be there if I didn't nearly die. But the fact of the matter is there comes a time when you decide whether you want to stop being a victim. I've made that decision and since then have ceased to see myself as someone not worth nice things. Child abuse, sexual abuse and then physical domestic abuse? Is she blind to the pattern? Or is she so stuck in following it's path that she can't get out of the cycle? The truth is I don't care. But why tell me you think his family is fake and his step mother is crazy and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore and you're still in love with your best friend just to turn around and go back to the same damn situation. I guess the difference is that I'm not her. I don't need to cross boundaries and try to stir up drama because in the end you dig your own grave. You want to be phony? It's a waste of energy but I don't care. The funny thing is that I REALLY don't care. I'm just a firm believer in my time not being wasted and the time wasted on that exhausting Sunday should have been focused on my amazing boyfriend whom I was sharing an anniversary with (don't worry folks it was still amazing. We laughed and cried and held each other... then he made love to me. I cried afterwards, it was a life changing love session haha, so nothing was lost) . But in the end what does all this teach me? That I need to stop feeling so god damn altruistic and just let people crash and burn on their own accord. I was fooled this time but next time I won't be there. Not because I don't care but... oh wait... yeah that is why. I've given advice and told who I could and I come from having experience. One day they'll know I was right and that fact makes me feel at peace.
My life should be spent making sure I am as happy as can be. Not fixing others when they get punched in the face. I didn't come running to any exes with my problems. The truth is he's a monster who preys on victims and she's a victim who searches for monsters to kill her. A great match. Enjoy cleaning his draws and paying for his trips. I'm off on vacation with my man who can afford his own ticket and even offered to pay mine... you know, a real man. I am no longer full of hate. I can move on with my life with a clear conscious knowing that I did everything I could. I am not subjecting myself to anymore poison. Back to living my awesome life before this little blip of annoyance came along. The anger bubble is ruptured because in the end... I'm better than you.

Sleepless nights

My breath is quickening, my heart is racing I can feel his presence. The evil boogie man is closing in... Trying to pull me under. If he catches me I die... Again.

I've had the pleasure of being a nurse for the past few months. During this time I have watched a girl who has not even started living her life fight for it. We were all hopeful as she got better. When our hope was high that's when we got the news that she wasn't going to make it. I had to stop at Anthony's on my way home. He held me as I cried... The world is full of monsters and this girl who has not even received her first kiss gets the unfortunate news while those who cheat and beat and connive live their lives happily. So I've decided to be happy. To live my life full of wonder and smiles. Everything isn't daisies and sunshine but can't we pretend? I'm tired of feeling scared and scarred. It's time to just let shit go and enjoy whatever time I have left be it 1 or 100 years... My life has turned amazing and I have become so blessed. I will say a prayer for the dying girl and in that prayer I will be thankful that I met her. I am better for having known her. I hope she doesn't die... There is so much joy in pediatrics but when it's sad it's heart shatteringly sad... I will hold my loved ones a little closer and give more hugs and forgive more because in the end I just want to make a positive difference in at least a few peoples lives. "Im glad i got to meet her" is the best thing I could ask for once I'm gone. I'm sure the feeling will be mutual but hopefully not until Im 95 years old :) sweet dreams kids. Back to charting I go!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Candle lit nights

I have so many mixed emotions within me. Anxiety is the one that is in the forefront. I learned of events that have opened old wounds. I feel confused and infuriated yet somehow numb to everything. I hope I can get back to living my happy life again...
Yesterday it was 6 months for Anthony and me. He bought me a stuffed animal. How adorably boyfriend-y of him. It was a hedgehog which is more his style. Every one of his gifts is so meaningful and has so much thought placed into it I always want to cry. Nothing flashy or useless but very thoughtful.
"I got you a present" he said in his beautiful deep voice, "its small but I wanted to get you something... its a hedgehog... I was going for a wolverine but these are beyond human too. I figured you could cuddle him when you're sad or lonely and I cant hold you."
A couple of months ago we watched this lame documentary about wolverines. The opening lines had some scientist say, "they way they run... its beyond human." which i responded with, "uhhh yeah thats because its not a human... this guy is dumb" he giggled for hours.
Last night was a very good night with a sprinkle of demons from the past... He was supportive. He held me close to him in my candle lit room and finally told me sometimes he wondered if Derek got the best parts of me, the non-jaded happier parts. No... he killed her a long time ago. The truth is this side of me, able to be close to someone without instinctively attempting to fuck it up... well thats something new in my adult years. I really dont want to fuck it up actually. Anthony brings me a sense of peace... stability. Something that was only an illusion in the past. We spoke about how I would react if we broke up. I love him too much not to get angry but I love him too much not to want to still be friends. Thats how it started anyway. I told him that if we broke up I'm sure he'd find someone way more awesome than me. He began to say, "Whatever I don't think I'll ever find any..." at this point I cut him off. I apologized for my anger but told him that he may have started dating me because he figured, "who else is gonna want me" but I'll be damned if thats the only reason he stays with me. The hurt in his eyes was incredible. "No... No, that's not what I meant... I don't think I could ever like being around someone as much as I like being around you." Stupid past making me edgy and emotional. It was the sweetest thing anyone could have said at that moment. He was rewarded :)