Monday, June 27, 2011

Candle lit nights

I have so many mixed emotions within me. Anxiety is the one that is in the forefront. I learned of events that have opened old wounds. I feel confused and infuriated yet somehow numb to everything. I hope I can get back to living my happy life again...
Yesterday it was 6 months for Anthony and me. He bought me a stuffed animal. How adorably boyfriend-y of him. It was a hedgehog which is more his style. Every one of his gifts is so meaningful and has so much thought placed into it I always want to cry. Nothing flashy or useless but very thoughtful.
"I got you a present" he said in his beautiful deep voice, "its small but I wanted to get you something... its a hedgehog... I was going for a wolverine but these are beyond human too. I figured you could cuddle him when you're sad or lonely and I cant hold you."
A couple of months ago we watched this lame documentary about wolverines. The opening lines had some scientist say, "they way they run... its beyond human." which i responded with, "uhhh yeah thats because its not a human... this guy is dumb" he giggled for hours.
Last night was a very good night with a sprinkle of demons from the past... He was supportive. He held me close to him in my candle lit room and finally told me sometimes he wondered if Derek got the best parts of me, the non-jaded happier parts. No... he killed her a long time ago. The truth is this side of me, able to be close to someone without instinctively attempting to fuck it up... well thats something new in my adult years. I really dont want to fuck it up actually. Anthony brings me a sense of peace... stability. Something that was only an illusion in the past. We spoke about how I would react if we broke up. I love him too much not to get angry but I love him too much not to want to still be friends. Thats how it started anyway. I told him that if we broke up I'm sure he'd find someone way more awesome than me. He began to say, "Whatever I don't think I'll ever find any..." at this point I cut him off. I apologized for my anger but told him that he may have started dating me because he figured, "who else is gonna want me" but I'll be damned if thats the only reason he stays with me. The hurt in his eyes was incredible. "No... No, that's not what I meant... I don't think I could ever like being around someone as much as I like being around you." Stupid past making me edgy and emotional. It was the sweetest thing anyone could have said at that moment. He was rewarded :)

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