Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wild Flowers

They always say "you can't have rainbows without rain" which is an accurate analogy, especially since happiness, like rainbows, is fleeting and hard to come by. But I for one have been indulging in the rainbow for once. Before I used to just think, "what's the point? It's just gonna rain again." Life dealt me a shitty hand full of pain and trauma, it's not pessimism, it's emotional armor. Against my natural instinct I allowed myself to just ride the wave of life for once. Anthony was having a really tough time... It's hard when someone you love is dealing with shit and you become an afterthought. I held on and decided I couldnt be selfish anymore. It was a long month but I have my Anthony back and I finally remember why I was holding on. When Anthony is happy it's hard not to want to spend every second of the day in his beam. He's funny, silly, and completely sexy in the sweetest most vulnerable and masculine of ways. That probably doesn't make sense but that's okay because I'm the only one who needs to understand. I used to think I understood my ex boyfriends... Truth is I only understood the parts I wanted them to be. I deluded myself about the rest. Instead of seeing a manipulative, selfish person I saw mysterious and dangerous. Instead of damaged and hurt I saw idealistic and a dreamer. Anthony is the first person I've been with who I really understand and it's because I accept him for exactly who he is. The growth and changes we've both gone through are equally for our own benefit as well as the others. My weight loss for example. Anthony never said anything about my weight and at my heaviest still told me (and made me feel like) I was beautiful and sexy but I'm losing weight because it will make me happy and he will benefit from the results.
I always do this, go in depth about him. I just love him so very much and am glad he's returned to me. Today I was sick and although we had planned to go on an adventure I spent most of the day napping and willing myself to feel better. When I apologized he shushed me. He had washed and cut up strawberries which we took on beautiful walk by the river. He made me close my eyes and when I opened them he had picked me couple of wild flowers mentioning they were probably weeds. I laughed and thanked him suddenly reminded of the days ages ago my dad would come back from the garden and give my mom a bouquet of his prized flowers as well as a kiss and I would mimic my dads footsteps picking the brightest dandelions I could find and giving them to my mom with a kiss as well. She would always gush about how beautiful they were and put them in the same vase as my dad's flowers. No one had ever picked me either wild flower or weed. The gesture was adorable and more profound then he'll ever know. I will cherish and hold on to the rainbow this time but I know when rain comes again, which it inevitably will, I strong enough to wait it out because... Well, it can't rain forever.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Drunken Tears

It must be nice for some people to escape into alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately for me substances just make me remember more and not less. Since it has been so long since I last consumed alcohol I thought things would be different because for the first time in my life I feel generally happy but I was wrong. It seems there's a layer very deep inside me that still remembers the horrors that have happened to me. So it was creeping into the early hours of Sunday when I sat crying next to Jamie, my dear friend. He too has seen me at my worst and soothes my trembling being, cooing to let it all out, that I don't have to be afraid. I appreciate him the most in these times but I know I've held him before while he cried and pulled him out of himself when he had fallen too deep.
As with Anthony and most of the relationships in my life externally I'm the hardass, the bitch, but truly I'm the weak one. The endlessly forgiving moron. I guess this is what haunts me. Too many times of being taken advantage of. It's funny, whenever someone takes advantage of another it's always the person who ends up hurt who is the fool. "you're the stupid one for trusting her" "that's what you get for forgiving him." What a sad world we live in that people consider trust and forgiveness weaknesses. How even more sad that they're completely right.
Everytime I wake up after one of these nights of indulgence (and then tears and torments) I feel embarrassed for bearing my soul and sobbing like a wounded animal (like the wounded animal I am). My friends as well as Anthony shoo away my apologize understanding some wounds never fully close. Still... Don't think I'll be drinking for a while.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


"Laying next to you makes me sad. Im desperate to pull you closer, pull you into me, to make us one person if i could but I know part of you won't allow it. It's makes me anxious and powerless that I can't will us together. I'm left feeling empty."

My eyes shot open. I was reliving November 5th, 2010 all over again in my dreams. The resignation, the blurred vision from so many tears. I took so many twists and turns I couldn't tell you now exactly where I parked when I decided it was the end... My trembling hands, the burn of vodka, fighting my body to keep it down because it's natural instinct was to expel the poison. Going back, being left alone to raid the draws full of stolen drugs. Taking what I knew were depressants. More tears, more trembling hands. I can't... That's why I wake up. This is too hard, too unbearable... How could I have been so cruel and unforgivable to myself? Trying to do to myself what is punishable by death, by life imprisonment if I inflicted it on another. Murder... I can't. I can't think about this. Whenever life is good things have a way of kicking up the bad, like sand, and throwing it in my eyes. For now I refuse these memories, slow my heart, stifle the tears and attempt sleep once more...