Saturday, March 10, 2012


"Laying next to you makes me sad. Im desperate to pull you closer, pull you into me, to make us one person if i could but I know part of you won't allow it. It's makes me anxious and powerless that I can't will us together. I'm left feeling empty."

My eyes shot open. I was reliving November 5th, 2010 all over again in my dreams. The resignation, the blurred vision from so many tears. I took so many twists and turns I couldn't tell you now exactly where I parked when I decided it was the end... My trembling hands, the burn of vodka, fighting my body to keep it down because it's natural instinct was to expel the poison. Going back, being left alone to raid the draws full of stolen drugs. Taking what I knew were depressants. More tears, more trembling hands. I can't... That's why I wake up. This is too hard, too unbearable... How could I have been so cruel and unforgivable to myself? Trying to do to myself what is punishable by death, by life imprisonment if I inflicted it on another. Murder... I can't. I can't think about this. Whenever life is good things have a way of kicking up the bad, like sand, and throwing it in my eyes. For now I refuse these memories, slow my heart, stifle the tears and attempt sleep once more...

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