Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Weird week

After the complete lover overload of last week I have been too busy to really see Anthony this week. Seriously I feel like I've been non-stop. Adding an hour of exercise to your routine daily really makes you have to figure out your schedule. Tomorrow (err today) I'm working out twice. Run in the wee hours of the morning followed by gym in the late afternoon but it will be completely worth it when I get to have yummy food with my ladies tomorrow (err today). I hope I make it to running. Gonna go with my aunt. Went and grabbed food with her today ended up talking for three hours. She's awesome. My mom was always apprehensive of letting me hang out with her because the "family talks too much" thankfully I'm an adult now and can make my own decisions. When I mentioned it to my mom she just said, "you're aunts very sweet, hope you had a nice time." haha after all that...
Ive been super emotional this week. The joys of having too many hormones PMS lasts half the month. I've been upset about Anthony losing his father so young. I cant even imagine... My aunt told me my father cried the last time he told her my adoption story. About how much he loves me and is so proud... I wonder if Anthony's dad ever properly said good bye or told Anthony he loved him and was proud... I just want to fix Anthony, make him all better. The truth is he's been acting like he's all better for so long that what he needs right now is to feel a little. What he went through was hard and devastating and heartbreaking... He just swept it under the rug. It hurts my chest just thinking about it. Shit, my parents ever dying is going to break my heart. It's inevitable, a child's burden, watching the people who wanted you and loved you and raised you eventually come to the end of their life... But not at 15. At some other more acceptable age. Sometime in a persons 40s or 50s.
I love Anthony so much. Although I have been in love before this feels so different. I can honestly say I've never loved someone so much as I love Anthony. I'm talking real love, not infatuation or dependence. Anthony and I are actually really independent. He has his friends and his life and I have mine. When I say I have never loved someone so much I mean, what we have is good, it's functional, it's healthy and it's based on complete mutual acceptance and understanding. Once you understand someone loving them is effortless. And when love is effortless then you can give and give and give and not get exhausted because you have a partner who is carrying his own weight.
There isn't a mean bone in his body. I couldn't even convince him to hate people who had been awful to me. In fact he tried to convince me to forgive them and let go of the anger. It took me a long time to listen because I was convinced the anger and hate was put there to prove it was real and that it happened and wouldn't happen again. That was probably true at first but not anymore. And so Anthony has convinced me to make my heart and soul pure. He's helped me become a better person by teaching through example. So now I try to repay him. I've been more outgoing when talking to people, I've been really active, and super happy. When you're happy with life people just want to see you ruined. Being happy and treating yourself well is not something that comes naturally, it is a conscious effort, at least for me it is... So as long as I'm working hard to make myself happy I hope to keep the bad vibes at bay :) gee night!

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