Two years ago I got dumped on Valentine's day because the dude I was with at the time didn't wanna spend any money. It was then that Jamie created
"singles persons awareness day" so that I'd stop crying. We watched horror movies, it was cute. Jamie was always there for me. I'm shocked he put up with all of that. A few weeks ago he kinda mentioned that if things were different maybe we would be together right now. He admitted my qualities are what he wanted in a girl. This probably would have confused me just a few months earlier- don't get me wrong I felt the bubbling of old unresolved feelings in my chest but it was something controllable- almost like phantom feelings. The line between us was always blurred. We were best friends who would hold hands and cuddle when I was single. It always remained innocent, he never crossed any lines and I didn't really push it. When he admitted this I told him I secretly count what we had as a relationship as skewed as it was. There was no sex or anything but emotionally I think we both counted on each other like a significant other. I always wanted more but I never would admit it. He's the type of person who will deny until the day he dies that there was anything between us- we were just friends- but he'll let it slip to me.
I've seen him at his most vulnerable and he's seen me too. The bond we had was something we both cherished.
But things are different now. I love Anthony with more of myself than I bear to admit. I don't want to be with anyone else. For the sake of my relationship with Anthony I've had to start pulling away from my dear friend. He was there for me every time my heart was broken, every time I was lonely, every time I needed him... I can feel his resentment towards me. He knows me too well, knows I'm acting differently... He'll mention he thinks I'm pulling away...
I don't know what the right thing to do right now is. I know my best friend needs me but I want a life with Anthony. I feel like an awful person for choosing my ho over my bro, ha. I don't want him to hate me but I think he'd do the same... Probably not, ha.
I feel like a bad friend but like I said last time I can't keep putting other people before myself. My happiness counts.
My parents sense there's something more in Jamie that I can't see. They both cornered me intervention-style the other day to discuss it. They said they could sense something more in the way my friend interacted with me. They blurted some bible verses about temptation being cunning... I dunno. I got the point though.
It's funny how much my dad loves Anthony. Seriously he'll call me up and tell me he made Anthony dinner, "am I invited too?" my response always makes him chuckle. Anthony and I joke that one of these days he and my parents are going to go on a date and forget all about me. I honestly prefer it this way. I'm back in the role I was destined to lead in- daddy's little girl. My dad even jokes with Anthony about how to handle me, "Anthony, just say yes, Tania gets what she wants so avoid the headache and just say yes." Why thank you, Papi, ha. At least he's ensuring I remain spoiled forever.
I always get bombarded when it comes to giving presents. Our anniversary is the day after Christmas and his birthday is two days after valentines day. Got him a bunch of nice stuff. We're going out to dinner and then probably watching Disney movies, my kind of date :)
I'm tired so I'm not gonna proof read this. Excuse the typos. Happy Valentine's day