Sunday, February 12, 2012

Under Your Skin

Honestly I write most of the shit I do to see if "some people" are still paying attention. Seriously, i have a journal where all my real thoughts go. You think all I think about is how wonderful Anthony is and how evil my ex was? You think my profile picture of me and Anthony making out wad put there by chance? In the end these people are the one's who are still aware of my movements. I know nothing of what they do. I don't spend time trying to find what their writing on twitter or Facebook. I don't read their tumbler or however you spell it. I have been living my life. Truthfully I have heard that stories have been told to people about me and Anthony. My darling boy tells me just to leave it alone and ignore it. We're happy together and who cares what anyone else thinks. I allow annoyance get the best of me and respond with passive aggression. I'm not saying anything untruthful unlike stories said by others. Anthony started dating me knowing full and well the person I was. Tell him anything you want, he knows it all. I keep no secrets and he's known the struggles I've had with all my demons. Our relationship started with me being a drunk and using men. Instead of judging me and calling me a whore he asked me what the real problem was that forced me to act out the way I did. He truly helped me overcome all the bullshit of my past. What happened to me when I was 13 was awful and I kept revisiting the experience by placing myself in similar situations. I have been completely honest about every bad decision I've ever made in my life with Anthony and anyone else who asks me for that matter. Some people have been using lies so long it's the only language they speak; honesty must seem like such a foreign concept. It's cute when cheaters and liars point fat fingers at me. They are so incredibly insignificant. One day they'll realize that.
I honestly am tired of having to live my life guarded having to block them from Facebook, twitter, instagram... Enough is enough- I'm just living my life. If it bothers you that without mentioning your identity I call you a creepy fanatical ho well then stop reading, no one is forcing you to and honestly I have tried everything so that you can't. In the end what you say is so hilariously inconsequential and I say the things i do to rouse a response and prove how creepy you are so thanks for proving me right. Write whatever slander you want about me on social media- I'll be none the wiser because I won't see it. I'm not going to stalk either of your pages because I don't care about you.
I'm sure there is someone going through what I am going through now who should know that the anger and resentment stays with you... Probably forever but it eventually wanes until you only think about it when you want to look back on the mistakes. And haters are going to constantly try to pull you down. The only remedy for this is to live extremely well which is what I am doing. Anthony deleted the creepy message I got like 10 minutes after I posted my last entry before I could read it entirely but the last line mentioned something about if I really wanted to make them jealous I should lose weight and get a job or something like that? Hahaha if they only knew...
My life is my own now. I really have been able to live my life but not fully like I want to. Knowing that I need to avoid certain places to not have to deal with gossip and drama is something that has forced me to really realize all the things I need to do to be truly free. Some people are prisoners to their own guilt- I have none. Ive never been one to live with regrets, everything is a learning experience. My whole life I have been impressionable and easily swayed, it's just a survival instinct I have to want to blend (probably because I was adopted). The only way to alleviate this curse is to keep good influences around. For the first time I'm not under anyone's pull but my own because the friends I keep now are strong independent individuals who are kind and incredibly intelligent. I love my life. It's completely different than it was even 6 months ago and everything has been for the best. I've always put others before myself thinking its selfish to do anything otherwise but with time and ultimately maturity I find that people don't give two shits about me and if they truly loved me they would want me to put myself first.
I honestly have nothing against anyone. I don't like certain people for what they've done to me but I'm adult and objective enough to realize that they could be completely different now. Just because I was their punching bag doesn't mean someone else is. And just how I did foul things back doesn't mean I am doing the same with the person Im with now. People grow, they change, they evolve... Well some people do. I gave people of my past chances and chances to prove they weren't bad people only to have them lie and tell people they had restraining orders against me... This taught me a lesson I won't forget: not all people deserve my kindness. Some people aren't repairable. But I am worthy of my own kindness and I have been able to fix myself. Scientists say that the mind isn't truly mature and able to comprehend decision making until a person is about 25 years old. It is entirely true. I used to be so lost and rebellious and made so many mistake thinking I was so much smarter than everyone else. I now appreciate that people are wiser than me and the only way I can be wise like them is to acknowledge and learn from my mistakes.
I wish everyone happiness in their own pursuits. If I call you a ho in passing its to get under your skin because I assume you're reading my shit but I truly don't give a fucks about you and you should feel the same towards me.
Finally a little insight about myself... The last time someone called me stupid I ended up graduating at the top of my class, the last time someone called me fat I dropped to a size two within a year, the last time someone told me I'd never find someone as good as them I went out and snagged the best person I knew. I am a master at proving people wrong :)

No comments:

Post a Comment