Saturday, February 18, 2012


Seriously, this kid is so appreciative it's hard not to spoil him. Just spent the weekend celebrating with him. Thursday lunch and presents, Friday dinner with his sister and her man and bar hopping in north jersey, Saturday breakfast and birthday dinner and drinks. We're too old for anything too crazy but we did have a really nice weekend. He is just so appreciative and attentive and knows how much I really love him. His friends were really sweet to me too, I think they finally get that he wasn't a rebound and that I really really do love the shit out of him. Lauren and Sean came. Omg I love those two. They are so fricken funny and cute and a blast to be around. I was nervous my friends and his friends wouldn't get along but they blended in so well. It was really a success. Im glad they didn't feel (too) old. In actuality they are only slightly older than me but the fact that their married makes a big difference I guess.
I'm really glad I'm (finally!) developing a relationship with Anthony's sister. She's so nice! As for her friend?... He's a nice person. That's all I'll say. She's an adult and super obedient. People do crazy things when their young... It's her 21st birthday in a couple of weeks. Anthony wants to get her a bottle of Scotch because he wants her to be a scotch drinker. Having sipped the stuff today I'd rather drink battery acid. I saw a book about pairing wines and cheeses I think I'll get her that and a bottle of wine. I'm trying to get her to come with me to Philly to visit Caitlin. By trying I mean I really want to ask her to do that but am still too shy. We're texting, it'll get there, haha.
I had a conversation with Anthony which I think impacted him a lot. I had a glass of wine (my treat for this week) and he was a few jacks deep- we were talking about life and how he feels kinda apathetic towards it. I can totally relate. 2 years in therapy and it isn't until recently that I'm finally feeling great and living well. Maybe I needed every part of my last relationship to be in the past... Or Anthony and I deciding our relationship had a real future... Maybe a little of everything but it wasn't until then that I was finally able to begin enjoying being myself. I finally realized that my whole life I was looking at happiness as a destination (ex: when I go away to college I'll be happy. When I lose weight I'll be happy. When I get a job I'll be happy. When I get married I'll be happy). Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of traveling. The reason I got to each milestone and was disappointed is because I was expecting the situation to make me happy instead of being happy all along.
So now I am happy, truly I just am. I can believe there are higher beings at work because when I say stuff like "now I am happy" I get tested like crazy. I feel like I've passed the tests as of yet and still maintain a smile. I've been living my life, working hard, losing weight but I try my best to stay positive. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks and have decided I'll let my clothes and how I feel be the judge instead of a scale. That scale caused me just as much elation, torment, anxiety, anger and heartbreak as my last relationship. It's because my relationship with food was abusive. So now although I'm curious because I can tell I have lost weight I let the mirror be the judge. I feel great about myself now and no one can put me down because I know I'm working hard not at losing weight but a loving myself.
Anthony has been an amazon support. He's constantly complimenting how I look and making me feel beautiful, sexy and like a woman instead of a potato (which is how I felt a few weeks ago). I guess that's the main reason I went all out for his birthday... He spoils me with so much love and support its insane. I never get a "you shouldn't eat that" or "are you gaining weight?" or "you should've exercised today," from him. Instead he's really encouraging. He loves being outside and exercising so whenever it's nice we take turns initiating playing outside. We go for long walks, play tennis, and Friday afternoon we even played basketball for a little bit (very interesting since I think the last time I was forced to play in gym class I was 15). And all of this has been in the last few weeks! We get out and exercise 3 times a week and it's winter! I can't wait for spring!
Anthony's the sweetest boy and really everyone knows it. I'm truly blessed :) I'm blessed for hundreds of reasons.

Life is as good as you make it. If life gives you a pile of shit then plant some seeds in that fucker and watch how beautiful your plants will grow. Something wonderful always comes out of an awful situation, even if it isn't evident at first, but only for those who take the time out to find the message.
Gee night :)

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