Sunday, February 12, 2012

Stupid Blackberry

My mom broke her phone and has been trying to use my old blackberry instead but she cant transfer any of her pictures or contacts. I'm technologically retarded and yet she gives me these impossible tasks. Anyway I finally start up the stupid blackberry and what do I find but a shit-ton of old text messages from my ex the night I was angry at him for not letting me and Anthony be together or something like that. Its weird how memories fade and turn into something different with time I bet now he would deny what he said but...

Nov. 24,2010 12:08:08PM
Okay then... Well, unregardless of that, I'm glad we talked and I still meant everything I wrote in those e-mails, and we will be together and live the fantasy we wanted for so many years. bye for now I guess. I love you and I hope you stay safe and happy until I see you again

I feel like life tries to punch you in the gut the most when you are finally letting something go. This did nothing but made me realize how people change and how they lie and how they skew memories. His side of the story... well who the eff even knows what it is. I've heard tidbits from other people painting Anthony and I as the terrible Bonnie and Clyde act that ran away with each others and left him in shambles. Quite honestly he dumped me in the most awful and destructive way a person can and I wasn't even at the hospital when he was already sleeping with his little hoe (on my birthday :) ) Anthony and I got together after all that crap happened. Not during or before. There was nothing romantic there until my ex took himself out of the question. I moved on, like most people do. I don't even care whose right and whose wrong I just wish it would be over and the truth remains that it won't be over until I 1- stop caring what people believe and 2- remove myself and Anthony from the equation. No one cares anyway.

I don't see it as running away because I've stood my ground in my own town for over a year. I really just want a change. I've played it safe my whole life. Honestly, the "fantasy" that he wanted for us was just that, a fantasy. But there's nothing stopping me from doing all the things I wanted to do now besides myself. Whether Anthony comes along is entirely up to him. I'm not obligating him to do anything he doesn't want to but a year from now I am hoping to have my life be completely different than it is now (different meaning better). My life now isn't bad it's just... safe.

I've grown to not be so dependent on my significant other. Anthony is amazing, don't get me wrong but when I eventually do decide to make this change (haven't decided exactly where to go yet) I'm okay with the prospect of going on the adventure alone. I love him more than anything but I'm learning to love myself too. I need to do something with my life that I'm proud of. I've already gotten a degree, helped save lives, moved out of my parents house... These were all things that needed to happen so I could grow up and be a functional adult. I need to do something I really just want to do. Go on a road trip, join a club, move to a city, take up a new hobby... I really have no idea but I need to do something. I feel so.. blah right now.

In other news my 13 year old nephew got an ipad 2. I will say nothing forward and remain as vague as possible as to how i feel about this.

No comments:

Post a Comment