Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Pulling Weeds

Thinking your brother is being shady and stealing from you is one thing, having it be confirmed is heartbreaking. I feel like telling him off- at least telling him how I feel- but there's no point in that. I can let out my anger but that'll just cause an argument. Or... I can calmly tell him how he hurt me, he won't care and then I'll feel worse until I realize that it's his own issues. I'm just going to get to the part where I don't talk to him until one of our relatives die or something. 

Moving out was the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. Like seriously up to par with being a nurse. My mom called and asked why I didn't stay at their place... My parents are super religious and super judgmental and super controlling. They would have made my meals and done my laundry and snooped through my stuff. They enable zero independence. I wanna live my fucking life. I've been waiting my whole life to start living. I'm 25. This is my life. It's mine to live. I was dominated by fear most my life but I refuse to let that control me anymore. 

Derek and I have been through a lot, I'm glad we've been able to become such good friends after everything. He's been an immense help. I saw his grandparents the other day. It had been something I was dreading but I was greeted with warm smiles. We caught up. It was nice. When they left they both gave me a big hug and Derek's grandmother told me I was a strong woman, she always believed I would accomplish good things then she invited me to their house. It was a nice gesture considering it's been a lot of years and the last time I was in their grandson's life I had a serious meltdown. Whether it's genuine non-judgment or just words I wish I had that growing up- kind acceptance. I always have appreciated them. 

Yesterday I was pulling weeds which were overgrown on a patio. It's strenuous work but I like pulling weeds. There's something cleansing about getting dirty and ripping out weeds. As the patio, which I helped paint many years ago, was slowly uncovered it felt very symbolic to everything I've been through. All the abuse and trauma I've been forced through are those weeds, stubborn and unsightly, covering up everything that was ever there until all you see are weeds and nothing of what was originally there is visible. Pulling up those weeds felt like I was ripping through years of her, disappointment, anger, defeat. With each rip the patio was uncovered much like these last few months of self discovery. I've been pulling up all these useless traumas that have taken room inside of me filling me with bitter anger and regret. Finally I am a whole me again.

A lot of people and things have been reminding me of Derek's past. I feels like I'm being tested. My mom called me the other day attempting to implant little drops of poison in my brain about Derek. I just want to focus on the person in my life right now. We are both different people. He's a great friend. He has been respectful, kind, honest and considerate. I hope I have been treating him the same way.  I'm so appreciative. 

I think this will be my last blog post on here. I've healed most of the wounds that were holding my back to the old me. Letting go of the need for my family's acceptance was the last thing I needed to let go of. I feel at peace for the first time in my life. I'm no longer waiting to start my life... I'm living it.

Plus... This blog is called "Somebody... Someday" and I happen to be 'somebody' now. :) 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Let Love Lead the Way

Life is a very long and sad joke... Maybe not for everyone but I feel it is for me. I hope death is just a never ending dream. I hope if you're good and you die your heaven is living the fantasies you created in your mind. Because Lord knows my fantasies are much more satisfying, romantic and full of love and understanding than reality. 

It makes me sad how hurtful and disrespectful people can be. I'm just trying to live my own life and be happy and healthy and do all that the best way I can. I've learned how to be kind, respectful of boundaries and patient. I feel like so many people who have come and gone in my life have been extremely emotionally unhealthy. 

For the time being I'm just going to grow on my own. If others want to join me that's fine but I'm no longer waiting around to be loved. I love myself and treat myself with kindness and respect. Because I can treat myself with love, respect and kindness, I refuse to tolerate mistreatment. You don't want to love me? It's fine, I don't need your love. You wanna try to ruin my life and drag me down? I can't imagine how overwhelming it must feel to be so envious, bitter and unhappy with your own life. I'm sorry you're so hurt. Wanna spread rumors and lies? That's fine. Venomous words and actions don't penetrate my soul anymore because I understand that misery loves company. I also understand you're probably not trying to be a hurtful person on purpose. 

Hurt people hurt people. I'm no longer wounded. I have a complete sense of my self worth. Derek helped me realize that I've lived my whole life in fear and under loads of other individual's stress. His acknowledgement of how strong and good and successful I am has given me the reinforcement I needed to stand up to the people I feared the most. His friendship and support has enabled me to take command over my life. For years I thought I was so forgiving of abuse because I was a good person- the bigger person. The truth is I was a scared little girl. I do forgive everyone, I always will. Who am I to judge anyone for making a mistake? But I do not have to tolerate anyone's abuse. 

My mom used to tell me about how in the Bible Jesus says that if someone hurts you to forgive them but if they continue then to forgive and go on your way, shaking the dust off your feet, leaving them and all their hurt behind you. Ironically, she was talking about Derek and not herself. Unfortunately, people only see what they want to see. Derek has been supportive, kind and endlessly understanding. My family? Not so much. 

Thinking of how much money and support I've given my brother in the last year and how nasty he still is is heartbreaking. I understand why he was that way and for a long time I thought that because I was helping him out I was being compassionate. Truth is I'm just afraid of not being loved. I gave and gave to him and it was never enough, I never received thanks or acknowledgement. With someone like who I used to be, being treated badly like that just makes you want to try harder. "Maybe if I help him more he'll be kinder and love me." Nope... Abusive people just know how to take and manipulate. Victims, like myself, just keep tolerating the abuse because we've been trained to believe that saying no just leads to worse consequences. And suddenly I realize every bad thing that's happened to me can be contributed to my upbringing... Fucked up people shouldn't raise kids... 

No one will ever love you or respect you if you don't love and respect yourself. Everyone says that all the time but it is the absolute truth. It isn't because that person's unlovable, it's because they will keep fucking up because they don't believe they deserve love. A good man can come into a woman's life, show her love and understanding; he can forgive her for her mistakes and instability time and time again because he loves her that much. But because she loathes herself she will keep fucking it up without even realizing or recognizing it- either by lying/cheating, being a miserable person or constantly comparing and being unappreciative for what she has. Then when he leaves she can say, "See, he never really loved me. Everyone always leaves." Repeat cycle with next boyfriend. We abuse the ones we love because we are insecure and feel inferior. 

Once you truly love yourself and believe you are good and worthy, life will fall into place because you love yourself enough to make your aspirations reality. People are cruel and I've spent a lot of years sad and stunted because of that. So although I started this post tearful and sad, I now feel confident and happy because I've reminded myself that their cruelty has nothing to do with me. I know I have my own back. I know that I am good and people will love me. I know that I will never ruin another relationship or push the people who are truly loving out of my life again. I've lived in fear of my family's judgment my whole life. Yesterday everything changed, a full 24 hours has passed, I am still happy and even more confident and sure about my decision. All are welcome in my heart but only the kind and respectful will remain by my side.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Seeing Clearly

Sometimes our minds play tricks on us. My family is really unhealthy for me right now, their abuse was messing with my head. When we dated before Derek could tell you how much my parents dictated my life and the relationship. Those tyrants loved power and control and they both overpowered and controlled my every move.

I have no pictures of my high school graduation because my parents were in bad moods. Derek wasn't allowed to come with us celebrate after. I remember being so happy to find him on the track. He was smiling with my favorite flowers and a big hug. He was warm and loving and happy for me. I remember looking over my shoulder and my family sternly standing, watching me with disapproving hawk eyes, sucking out the happiness around them. I remember them rushing me to go get dinner. It was a miserable meal, my parents were fighting the entire time then everyone stopped talking all together. All I could think was, "Why am I here? Why am I not at dinner with someone who loves me and is happy for me celebrating my graduation?" My parents wouldn't let me out that night, you know, just my high school graduation, only everyone was having a party or at project graduation having a great time. I spent the night crying in my room at the fact that my parents ruined another milestone in my life and instead of feeling liberated like everyone else I felt trapped and alone.

Late that night when my parents were asleep my brother covered for me and Derek snuck into the backyard. He brought me ice cream, listened to me vent and succeeded at making me laugh. As we cuddled on my trampoline in the summer night air, I knew I would love this person always.

Seven years later (give a few months) he sat in front of me at dinner smiling with that twinkle in his eye that lets me know I'm being admired. It was an adorable night of two adults having a great time together. We talked about our families, reminisced about the past, and talked about our time apart. I chuckled so hard my belly hurt and learned new and interesting things about him...

I can't emphasize how completely myself I get to be in front of him. Whether it's Frowny Face Double Chin Tania or Latina Bombshell Maxi dress Tania, I feel just as beautiful. I can be nerdy and sexy and silly and completely ridiculous and he enjoys it. I honestly don't think anyone in my family has ever met the real me. Not Guarded Tania, or Crazy Tania, or Princess Tania- Just Tania. I don't know how he feels but he's definitely my best friend.

In the past I allowed my family to stop me from being who I wanted to be and loving who I wanted to love. Fuck that. I wanna be with my man and get tattoos and travel the world and become a human rights advocate and investigate many religions and philosophies. I want my goodness to always be genuine and I want to help as many people as I can. I'm finally getting it... I think the start of a whole new chapter in my life is about to begin...

Holy poop :)

Confusing Protection with Judgment

The last two months Derek has been nothing but respectful about my family; he doesn't make comments, doesn't share judgements. In the last two months my family has been falling into a downward spiral of criticism, poisonous words and judgements. Derek has consistently been a good friend and endlessly supportive. Everyone else has been a bunch of assholes honestly. I don't know how many times I have to hear, "I pray every day that God sends you a good man who knows how to respect you and understand you and love you." Um... okay but then shut your mouth and trust me when I tell you I think he already did.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

Everyone has said this to me. The ironic thing is most of the people saying this are constantly hurting me. My family has waged a full on war against my self esteem and self worth. I left something at my parents, so I stopped by earlier to get it. I had about the most poisonous 6 minute conversations in my life and everyone's voice was pretty relaxed. My mother tried to asked me how life was going. I said okay. "Just okay?" I pretended to get distracted by something and walked away. When I came back to say goodbye she started talking immediately about my brother (who even though they're buying him a car he's being picky and making requests). I stood silently waiting for her to be done. My dad interrupted and started complaining as well and saying stuff like, "If they want to be adults and live their own lives then they have to stop coming back trying to get Mami and Papi to pay for everything." I nodded.

"Why are you nodding?" my mother asked.
"Because I agree."
"You do it too, everyone does, everyone comes here so we can solve their problems including you so I don't know why you're nodding."
"Because I agree. I don't plan on coming here to ask for help with my problems anymore."
"Oh, good. I'll believe it when I see it."
"What's your deal? We're all evil and ruining your life?"
"No, just for people who are so concerned with my safety and sanity you're extremely cruel. Jr got in my face arguing yesterday because I said no to him and then asked me to use my car today. I feel like no one respects me and that needs to change so I have to change. That means not depending on people who hurt me."
"Whatever! I've seen you in arguments Tania, you can play innocent but you have a terrible temper and probably started it. You can be extremely disrespectful and have disrespected even me."
"So now you were there during the argument?" I laughed, "I didn't start it but thanks for letting me know what you think. I have been doing nothing but trying to be a good person and live my life and make my dreams come true. I don't pick fights, I'm not that person anymore. I defend myself when I feel attacked and disrespect when disrespected. I don't want to be that person anymore either."
"So I've disrespected you in the past?"
"...Yeah..." She rolled her eyes.
"Well I'm glad, hopefully you won't let anyone disrespect you ever again so you don't have to come crying back here."
"That's the plan... This has been really helpful. I've been feeling bad about taking a step back and taking a break from everyone but the last 5 minutes have been very reassuring to the fact that I'm making the right decision. You know what? You couldn't ask for a better daughter. I am smart and dedicated and kind and successful. I love and accept everyone. You want plastic surgery, whatever makes you happy! Papi wants hair? Wonderful, you look great! Danny can love whoever he wants and Rudy can have children out of wedlock and Jr can do whatever he wants with his personal life I love and accept all of you. I make ANY decision you guys don't agree with and all of you become venomous abusive individuals who hurt and manipulate until I change my life. This family tears me apart inside. So Yeah... I'm not going to be coming here with my problems anymore. I want people in my life who are kind, respectful, loving and accepting. Until people can stop judging me and just love me for who I am, I'm gonna take a step back and do my own thing for a while."

I'm no longer afraid of them not loving me. I'd rather be who I am, alone, then unhappily being who others coerce me to be with their abusive words and judgmental comments.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Refusing to Be a Push Over

My hands are trembling. I'm sitting here in my bed crying out the aftereffects of a panic attack. Four bare walls in a messy room. This is all I have. The brother I live with got really angry this morning. In a nutshell he asked for $250, I said no, he proceeded to have a tantrum when I called him out on his tantrum he stood in the doorway of my room insulting me as I vainly pushed my door close on him like a child against an intruder and pleaded with him to get out of my space. He just stood there with his foot in the door trying to tell me that his reaction was my fault. He told me I needed to have thicker skin and how I'm condescending and full of myself and selfish and so great at "playing the victim"... As I held back tears and made my voice steady from behind the door I yelled, "Hey! I've told you to leave- that is a boundary, you crossed it. I am now trying to close my fucking door to created a PHYSICAL BOUNDARY and you are literally fucking crossing it! You are out of control now move your fucking foot!" the door slammed and I locked it and immediately started getting ready for work blinking out tears and refusing my body to stop or think or do anything besides get ready for work and get the fuck out of the house. From the other side of the door he said, "See I can step back, unlike some people. I didn't hit you in the face! I'm not you!"
"Quit instigating, you're arguing with yourself." 

He was referring to the last time we argued. It was February or March, we argued because I let him borrow my car and he was late to pick me up. When he arrived Alec wouldn't get out of (my) front seat and then Alec proceeded to call me a bitch and a whore and when he told me to "Fuck off" I pushed the back of his head and told him no one has the right to disrespect me. To which he responded, "I'm gonna fucking kill you." When we got out of the car I stood in front of him and told him to go ahead and kill me. He rolled his eyes and Jr got in the way and began defending Alec... Who had just been super disrespectful and threatened my life... When I brought up how incredibly fucked up that was he instead turned the situation around and started yelling at me. Now I will admit I should have just walked away but I continued arguing with them both, angry at their disrespect and my brother's lack of... even caring about it. At one point my brother backed me up in a corner. I told him to move back, he didn't. He proceeded to prod my forehead with his index finger. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Don't touch me again." He continued yelling then I watched it all happen in slow motion. He picked up his finger, poked my forehead and without me controlling it I watched as my fist made it's way to his face. I unclenched my hand and tried to stop my arm but momentum had taken over and I hit Jr in the face, hard. He back up stunned and I ran to the door way. I wish I could say those were the only two times but it wasn't. He's never hit me, no one in my family ever has, but with poisonous words and hateful actions they successfully scarred me and clouded my perception of reality for years. My brother treats no one else this way. My 15 year old nephew receives more respect from him than me. 

I wonder what it is about me that people think they can disrespect me the way they do. Ugh... I feel like this beating is not ending. My blood is boiling at how hurtful and abusive the people in my life still are. 

I feel very alone. If I could move out right this second I would but I have no place to go. I don't have enough savings because my manchild brother bullies it out of me when I'm not nice enough to just hand it over. I don't want to see any of my family, so all of them are out of the question and... end of options. If Derek offered I don't think I would be able to stay with him. I care about him deeply and am very glad he's in my life but he doesn't want a relationship and I refuse to blur those lines anymore- it's too painful. Everything he says now, I remind myself we're just friends. 
"Haha, you're adorable!" as a friend... 
"[I'm always here to] show you that your happiness will always be important to me..." because we're friends. 
It's been helpful in keeping me grounded. I understand friends can live together but I know I would end up feeling resentful. I'm trying to keep that friendship as healthy as I can.  

So I sit here, eyes brimming with angry tears, feeling inadequate, abused, tired, alone but extremely determined. I am definitely never going to be taken advantage of or abused ever again. I get that everyone has their issues but the day is over when people who love me feel they can talk to me like I'm small and insignificant. I'm not a child, I'm not weak and I am nobody's punching bag. Many people confuse my kindness and open heart and forgiveness for weakness but fuck that. I forgive, sure but you're getting put in timeout indefinitely because I don't have to put up with that behavior. I feel myself pushing everyone out to arms length. 
Current Goal: I will get my shit together, get my own place and become a recluse for awhile. I need time to heal and currently the healthiest relationship in my life, and only one I trust, is my relationship with myself.