Thursday, August 1, 2013

Refusing to Be a Push Over

My hands are trembling. I'm sitting here in my bed crying out the aftereffects of a panic attack. Four bare walls in a messy room. This is all I have. The brother I live with got really angry this morning. In a nutshell he asked for $250, I said no, he proceeded to have a tantrum when I called him out on his tantrum he stood in the doorway of my room insulting me as I vainly pushed my door close on him like a child against an intruder and pleaded with him to get out of my space. He just stood there with his foot in the door trying to tell me that his reaction was my fault. He told me I needed to have thicker skin and how I'm condescending and full of myself and selfish and so great at "playing the victim"... As I held back tears and made my voice steady from behind the door I yelled, "Hey! I've told you to leave- that is a boundary, you crossed it. I am now trying to close my fucking door to created a PHYSICAL BOUNDARY and you are literally fucking crossing it! You are out of control now move your fucking foot!" the door slammed and I locked it and immediately started getting ready for work blinking out tears and refusing my body to stop or think or do anything besides get ready for work and get the fuck out of the house. From the other side of the door he said, "See I can step back, unlike some people. I didn't hit you in the face! I'm not you!"
"Quit instigating, you're arguing with yourself." 

He was referring to the last time we argued. It was February or March, we argued because I let him borrow my car and he was late to pick me up. When he arrived Alec wouldn't get out of (my) front seat and then Alec proceeded to call me a bitch and a whore and when he told me to "Fuck off" I pushed the back of his head and told him no one has the right to disrespect me. To which he responded, "I'm gonna fucking kill you." When we got out of the car I stood in front of him and told him to go ahead and kill me. He rolled his eyes and Jr got in the way and began defending Alec... Who had just been super disrespectful and threatened my life... When I brought up how incredibly fucked up that was he instead turned the situation around and started yelling at me. Now I will admit I should have just walked away but I continued arguing with them both, angry at their disrespect and my brother's lack of... even caring about it. At one point my brother backed me up in a corner. I told him to move back, he didn't. He proceeded to prod my forehead with his index finger. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Don't touch me again." He continued yelling then I watched it all happen in slow motion. He picked up his finger, poked my forehead and without me controlling it I watched as my fist made it's way to his face. I unclenched my hand and tried to stop my arm but momentum had taken over and I hit Jr in the face, hard. He back up stunned and I ran to the door way. I wish I could say those were the only two times but it wasn't. He's never hit me, no one in my family ever has, but with poisonous words and hateful actions they successfully scarred me and clouded my perception of reality for years. My brother treats no one else this way. My 15 year old nephew receives more respect from him than me. 

I wonder what it is about me that people think they can disrespect me the way they do. Ugh... I feel like this beating is not ending. My blood is boiling at how hurtful and abusive the people in my life still are. 

I feel very alone. If I could move out right this second I would but I have no place to go. I don't have enough savings because my manchild brother bullies it out of me when I'm not nice enough to just hand it over. I don't want to see any of my family, so all of them are out of the question and... end of options. If Derek offered I don't think I would be able to stay with him. I care about him deeply and am very glad he's in my life but he doesn't want a relationship and I refuse to blur those lines anymore- it's too painful. Everything he says now, I remind myself we're just friends. 
"Haha, you're adorable!" as a friend... 
"[I'm always here to] show you that your happiness will always be important to me..." because we're friends. 
It's been helpful in keeping me grounded. I understand friends can live together but I know I would end up feeling resentful. I'm trying to keep that friendship as healthy as I can.  

So I sit here, eyes brimming with angry tears, feeling inadequate, abused, tired, alone but extremely determined. I am definitely never going to be taken advantage of or abused ever again. I get that everyone has their issues but the day is over when people who love me feel they can talk to me like I'm small and insignificant. I'm not a child, I'm not weak and I am nobody's punching bag. Many people confuse my kindness and open heart and forgiveness for weakness but fuck that. I forgive, sure but you're getting put in timeout indefinitely because I don't have to put up with that behavior. I feel myself pushing everyone out to arms length. 
Current Goal: I will get my shit together, get my own place and become a recluse for awhile. I need time to heal and currently the healthiest relationship in my life, and only one I trust, is my relationship with myself. 

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