Friday, August 2, 2013

Seeing Clearly

Sometimes our minds play tricks on us. My family is really unhealthy for me right now, their abuse was messing with my head. When we dated before Derek could tell you how much my parents dictated my life and the relationship. Those tyrants loved power and control and they both overpowered and controlled my every move.

I have no pictures of my high school graduation because my parents were in bad moods. Derek wasn't allowed to come with us celebrate after. I remember being so happy to find him on the track. He was smiling with my favorite flowers and a big hug. He was warm and loving and happy for me. I remember looking over my shoulder and my family sternly standing, watching me with disapproving hawk eyes, sucking out the happiness around them. I remember them rushing me to go get dinner. It was a miserable meal, my parents were fighting the entire time then everyone stopped talking all together. All I could think was, "Why am I here? Why am I not at dinner with someone who loves me and is happy for me celebrating my graduation?" My parents wouldn't let me out that night, you know, just my high school graduation, only everyone was having a party or at project graduation having a great time. I spent the night crying in my room at the fact that my parents ruined another milestone in my life and instead of feeling liberated like everyone else I felt trapped and alone.

Late that night when my parents were asleep my brother covered for me and Derek snuck into the backyard. He brought me ice cream, listened to me vent and succeeded at making me laugh. As we cuddled on my trampoline in the summer night air, I knew I would love this person always.

Seven years later (give a few months) he sat in front of me at dinner smiling with that twinkle in his eye that lets me know I'm being admired. It was an adorable night of two adults having a great time together. We talked about our families, reminisced about the past, and talked about our time apart. I chuckled so hard my belly hurt and learned new and interesting things about him...

I can't emphasize how completely myself I get to be in front of him. Whether it's Frowny Face Double Chin Tania or Latina Bombshell Maxi dress Tania, I feel just as beautiful. I can be nerdy and sexy and silly and completely ridiculous and he enjoys it. I honestly don't think anyone in my family has ever met the real me. Not Guarded Tania, or Crazy Tania, or Princess Tania- Just Tania. I don't know how he feels but he's definitely my best friend.

In the past I allowed my family to stop me from being who I wanted to be and loving who I wanted to love. Fuck that. I wanna be with my man and get tattoos and travel the world and become a human rights advocate and investigate many religions and philosophies. I want my goodness to always be genuine and I want to help as many people as I can. I'm finally getting it... I think the start of a whole new chapter in my life is about to begin...

Holy poop :)

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