Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Pulling Weeds

Thinking your brother is being shady and stealing from you is one thing, having it be confirmed is heartbreaking. I feel like telling him off- at least telling him how I feel- but there's no point in that. I can let out my anger but that'll just cause an argument. Or... I can calmly tell him how he hurt me, he won't care and then I'll feel worse until I realize that it's his own issues. I'm just going to get to the part where I don't talk to him until one of our relatives die or something. 

Moving out was the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. Like seriously up to par with being a nurse. My mom called and asked why I didn't stay at their place... My parents are super religious and super judgmental and super controlling. They would have made my meals and done my laundry and snooped through my stuff. They enable zero independence. I wanna live my fucking life. I've been waiting my whole life to start living. I'm 25. This is my life. It's mine to live. I was dominated by fear most my life but I refuse to let that control me anymore. 

Derek and I have been through a lot, I'm glad we've been able to become such good friends after everything. He's been an immense help. I saw his grandparents the other day. It had been something I was dreading but I was greeted with warm smiles. We caught up. It was nice. When they left they both gave me a big hug and Derek's grandmother told me I was a strong woman, she always believed I would accomplish good things then she invited me to their house. It was a nice gesture considering it's been a lot of years and the last time I was in their grandson's life I had a serious meltdown. Whether it's genuine non-judgment or just words I wish I had that growing up- kind acceptance. I always have appreciated them. 

Yesterday I was pulling weeds which were overgrown on a patio. It's strenuous work but I like pulling weeds. There's something cleansing about getting dirty and ripping out weeds. As the patio, which I helped paint many years ago, was slowly uncovered it felt very symbolic to everything I've been through. All the abuse and trauma I've been forced through are those weeds, stubborn and unsightly, covering up everything that was ever there until all you see are weeds and nothing of what was originally there is visible. Pulling up those weeds felt like I was ripping through years of her, disappointment, anger, defeat. With each rip the patio was uncovered much like these last few months of self discovery. I've been pulling up all these useless traumas that have taken room inside of me filling me with bitter anger and regret. Finally I am a whole me again.

A lot of people and things have been reminding me of Derek's past. I feels like I'm being tested. My mom called me the other day attempting to implant little drops of poison in my brain about Derek. I just want to focus on the person in my life right now. We are both different people. He's a great friend. He has been respectful, kind, honest and considerate. I hope I have been treating him the same way.  I'm so appreciative. 

I think this will be my last blog post on here. I've healed most of the wounds that were holding my back to the old me. Letting go of the need for my family's acceptance was the last thing I needed to let go of. I feel at peace for the first time in my life. I'm no longer waiting to start my life... I'm living it.

Plus... This blog is called "Somebody... Someday" and I happen to be 'somebody' now. :) 

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