Friday, August 2, 2013

Confusing Protection with Judgment

The last two months Derek has been nothing but respectful about my family; he doesn't make comments, doesn't share judgements. In the last two months my family has been falling into a downward spiral of criticism, poisonous words and judgements. Derek has consistently been a good friend and endlessly supportive. Everyone else has been a bunch of assholes honestly. I don't know how many times I have to hear, "I pray every day that God sends you a good man who knows how to respect you and understand you and love you." Um... okay but then shut your mouth and trust me when I tell you I think he already did.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

Everyone has said this to me. The ironic thing is most of the people saying this are constantly hurting me. My family has waged a full on war against my self esteem and self worth. I left something at my parents, so I stopped by earlier to get it. I had about the most poisonous 6 minute conversations in my life and everyone's voice was pretty relaxed. My mother tried to asked me how life was going. I said okay. "Just okay?" I pretended to get distracted by something and walked away. When I came back to say goodbye she started talking immediately about my brother (who even though they're buying him a car he's being picky and making requests). I stood silently waiting for her to be done. My dad interrupted and started complaining as well and saying stuff like, "If they want to be adults and live their own lives then they have to stop coming back trying to get Mami and Papi to pay for everything." I nodded.

"Why are you nodding?" my mother asked.
"Because I agree."
"You do it too, everyone does, everyone comes here so we can solve their problems including you so I don't know why you're nodding."
"Because I agree. I don't plan on coming here to ask for help with my problems anymore."
"Oh, good. I'll believe it when I see it."
"What's your deal? We're all evil and ruining your life?"
"No, just for people who are so concerned with my safety and sanity you're extremely cruel. Jr got in my face arguing yesterday because I said no to him and then asked me to use my car today. I feel like no one respects me and that needs to change so I have to change. That means not depending on people who hurt me."
"Whatever! I've seen you in arguments Tania, you can play innocent but you have a terrible temper and probably started it. You can be extremely disrespectful and have disrespected even me."
"So now you were there during the argument?" I laughed, "I didn't start it but thanks for letting me know what you think. I have been doing nothing but trying to be a good person and live my life and make my dreams come true. I don't pick fights, I'm not that person anymore. I defend myself when I feel attacked and disrespect when disrespected. I don't want to be that person anymore either."
"So I've disrespected you in the past?"
"...Yeah..." She rolled her eyes.
"Well I'm glad, hopefully you won't let anyone disrespect you ever again so you don't have to come crying back here."
"That's the plan... This has been really helpful. I've been feeling bad about taking a step back and taking a break from everyone but the last 5 minutes have been very reassuring to the fact that I'm making the right decision. You know what? You couldn't ask for a better daughter. I am smart and dedicated and kind and successful. I love and accept everyone. You want plastic surgery, whatever makes you happy! Papi wants hair? Wonderful, you look great! Danny can love whoever he wants and Rudy can have children out of wedlock and Jr can do whatever he wants with his personal life I love and accept all of you. I make ANY decision you guys don't agree with and all of you become venomous abusive individuals who hurt and manipulate until I change my life. This family tears me apart inside. So Yeah... I'm not going to be coming here with my problems anymore. I want people in my life who are kind, respectful, loving and accepting. Until people can stop judging me and just love me for who I am, I'm gonna take a step back and do my own thing for a while."

I'm no longer afraid of them not loving me. I'd rather be who I am, alone, then unhappily being who others coerce me to be with their abusive words and judgmental comments.

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