Growing up I went to catholic school. This explains my interest in blue eyed caucasians and why I don't fit in anywhere really. A complete graham cracker; too brown to be a white person to white in my actions to be a minority. I feel like a child of an interracial couple. Not quite one thing or the other. But I guess I am a result of something similar... The coupling of two cultures... Few understand because most families that have come here believe that their country is the best. I am a mix of so many things that I thought I could choose who I became... Which I did... But that didnt mean anyone had to accept it. I'm a nice, intelligent girl. To rationalize this people "forget" I'm Hispanic. Part of me must be white, they think. It's kinda sad and hilarious. To be well liked I must hide part of myself. Well... Theres nothing about me to not like, eventually they'll see that. Annoying but people have had to prove themselves for ages. Our "modern" times just make it so that people have to hide their prejudice in the silence of their hearts.
Anyway catholic school taught me that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins. I've always been told to forgive as he did... Something I have lived by my entire life. All forgiveness has gotten me is beaten, battered and made to look like a fool. All forgiveness got him was a life devoted to nothing but being spit on, pummeled and nailed down like an animal. People forget to tell you that part. That the only thing you get out of being forgiving is a sense of self righteousness. To the rest of the world your a kind fool but a fool nonetheless. I always just felt I couldn't be bothered with hating someone or being angry about something. That's a difficult burden to carry around. Embarrassment is also cumbersome... I guess I'm just too forgiving but at least I know I'm not a bad person. I guess the point of forgiveness is inner peace. I guess I just have to stop forgetting the pain people caused me. Forgetting is why the crimes against myself are recommitted. Well to become old and wise you must first be young and stupid. I am learning a lot. Growing up is about making mistakes... I just hope I'm all grown up sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I'm dumb for being so nice. Just so people know, at my age my mother was already exhibiting signs of schizophrenia. I for the record am not. Also, my biological mother has a big warm heart and is truthful and kind, she's just sick. People are cruel to make fun of the mentally ill. Its like any of disease. Anyway I'm in a sane healthy relationship about to celebrate my one year anniversary with a loyal gentle man. Schizophrenia can be treated with medication. As for other people... Once a glass has been shattered there's no hiding the fact that it's damaged. Well enjoying the rest of my night.
Posted by Tania at 8:14 PM