Sunday, June 30, 2013
Does this person benefit my life? Maybe it sounds selfish but it's probably important to ask yourself that with any relationship. The moment that answer is no then you know you're fighting a losing battle. I want to benefit the lives of others but the truth is I can't go around saving everyone. All I can do is worry about myself and let them know they are loved. I am transitioning from being that girl who is always worried about everyone to a girl who is only worried about myself and how I am affecting the world around me. I've found this makes me much more appealing. People want to hang out with me, people ask me for my advice and my help because I'm working on making myself the best me I can. You teach by example. I am healthy and loving and kind for myself, because being that way makes me feel good and causes less stress than the way I have been living all my life.
Happiness comes from within and is a choice. Having someone in your life will not make you happy but if someone comes into your life who is beneficial you will feel happier. You look forward to seeing them and speaking to them and spending time with them. I'm not necessarily sad when people who benefit my life aren't in it but a difference is noted.
Can I talk to this person? Friendship is important for this particular question. Ever find someone completely sexy you just wish your face was permanently attached to theirs because when they talk it makes you want to die? I'm a silly, intelligent, cultured girl. If every time I make a joke I have to explain it to you... well thats going to get old. I want someone who not only understands where I'm going but takes it there and beyond. I want to be able to talk about real things but just as importantly I want to talk about completely ridiculous things. I want to be able to communicate without even speaking. A look can say volumes, whispers can sometimes be the loudest sound. Communication is what makes or breaks relationships. You can have all the other elements which make a great relationship but if you aren't able to talk to one another about absolutely anything without fear of judgement or rejection then that relationship will crumble.
Do I feel respected by this person? That's really important. If I say something do they hear me? It's as simple as saying, "I don't like not being able to ask to hang out," then the other person saying "I'll work on it." Acknowledging that something is said is important. Even if you fail miserably and have to be reminded a hundred times, them saying they'll try means they respect you enough to try. If someone doesn't respect you their response will be something like, "Whatever." "That's your problem," or my favorite which is complete silence which links respect with communication. Respectful communication is really important. If this is someone you so-call love why would you call her a stupid bitch? And if you care about him in return why call him a worthless asshole? If you attempt to always be kind, even when you're upset you will always respect the other person.
It would be easy to call someone up when I'm lonely. Let them use my body and use theirs in return but when it's all said and done you're just two awkward sweating bodies looking for the best way to exit. Sex is easy. Follow your hormones and instinct and you'll get through it. Love it hard. Love is a daily challenge. Just like deciding everyday to try your best be happy you choose whether you want to fight for that person. You decide whether you love them enough to be patient and stick through their bullshit. Along the road most people forget they once made each other happy and relationships tend to fall apart because one person just stops trying. You can't have a relationship on your own. The way I love people used leave me so vulnerable to getting hurt... Now I understand that people have their own demons and if they can't appreciate my love it's because of their own issues. Just because I understand doesn't mean it isn't exhausting. Wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and still being their friend is hard... Eventually it becomes so exhausting that wanting to be with them isn't something you want anymore. You don't love them any less, you will still be friends but dealing with rejection over and over again and trying not to let it affect you is consuming. It's like getting beaten up by waves. I love the beach and the ocean but once those waves kick my ass I gotta take a step back and admire it from afar. Maybe one day the water won't be so rough but I'm not gonna hold my breath.
*not going to proof read this. I feel like its disjointed and stupid but I'm hitting "publish" anyway.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I ASKED FOR HELP! I don't fucking do that very often. Instead of getting help I put this little girl through an excruciating dressing change which will have to be taken off and done again because no one fucking listened to my request. I feel incompetent but more than anything I feel angry. I know my limitations, I expressed my limitations and now an innocent child suffers because no one else fucking cares. I feel so bad.
I will learn from this and if I have to go back I will but I just feel like it's really fucked up. Everyone is telling me to relax (including my boss) but I didn't come into nursing to hurt people unnecessarily.
I feel as hard as I'm trying life is a constant test. I have been in an awful mood since I got home. I've cried and complained and gotten angry and annoyed. I went out before for a little bit only to turn right around because I just wanted to run people over and yell at them.
I feel like I'm more than willing to be there for people and love people and help people but I don't get that shit in return. After feeling so upset with work I just wanted someone to cheer me up for a little. My disappointment at the fact that no one was around only intensified my awful mood. I'm sure it's a life lesson in disguise as I yelled at Linus to self-soothe again. I'm just so willing to be there and love people. People suck.
I wish on stars every night. I pray, I serve, I love and love and love some more. I work fucking hard. I love fucking hard. When someone's having a tough time I'm sure to let them know if they need a friend I'm here. But the second I need a friend?...
Being the change you want to see in the world is lonely.
I'm sitting here crying like a little girl. I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why do I expect so much? Jesus. Today just enforces the fact that I need a vacation. I have been working really hard. I have gone through a lot. I deserve some time away to clear my fucking head. I'm going to get all my patients in order so that I can dump them on someone else and disappear for a week. If no one wants to come with me then screw it, I'll go away alone. Maybe it sounds lonely but it won't be. I'm fun, even by myself.
Friday, June 28, 2013
I went to dinner with one of my close friends. I haven't seen her in over a month and she stopped texting me so I figured I hurt her feelings by disappearing for the last month and a half or so. I text her earlier in the week when she posted yet another outing that she didn't invite me to. I told her I wish she had told me she was going to the beach because I would have gone. She said she wasn't going to keep inviting me to things just to be rejected. She's cute. I apologized for disappearing the last few weeks and that I missed her and loved her. I explained that I had a lot to go through and I needed to go through it alone. "But you always help me through my stuff! It's not fair that you won't let me help." I don't know many people who would get upset for not being allowed to help and that's why she's so awesome. I waited for her to reach out and she did. This being patient thing actually works. Go figure.
Part of me is still disappointed with myself for not doing more today. But then the kinder, smarter part of myself reminds that other part that today I did more than I did yesterday and maybe tomorrow I'll do more than I did today. I need to be patient with myself and enjoy the little victories. You had a really functional day, Tania! And you were mentally kinda functional too. You were able to put the two together for the first time in your life. That's a big deal! Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, dummy! :)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
My friend just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She's doing well, we've been talking a lot. Her ex's issue is the same as at least 10 guys I know. Going through life in a haze of indecision and fear. He was hurt as a kid and his parents just swept all those issues under the rug instead of confronting them, "Now it's massive rotting dump." Yeah... because pushing your issues down doesn't make them disappear it just makes them fester and become infected and necrotic.
I got taken advantage of when I was 13 years old. I never dealt with it, I never told my parents I just lived with that pain, that feeling of powerlessness and self loathing. It stayed there rotting me from the inside. I didn't understand then. I didn't even know it was something that affected me. No I just thought I had this really cool talent of being able to shut myself off emotionally when someone wanted to use my body. I went to a happy place where no one was hurting me. The guys growing up now are taught that it's okay to get a girl drunk and then have sex with her. They aren't taught that it's disgusting and that she doesn't have the wherewithal to consent, on the contrary media makes it seem completely acceptable. So now there's a generation of girls growing up with this ability to have casual sex and pretend it's not bothering them. Giving yourself to another person is a big deal. Your body should be treated with the respect and reverence it deserves. It should not be used like a tissue for some guy with a need and no sense of respect. Women deserve more than to just give themselves up because a dude is horny. And men should have more respect for women. They are going to be mothers and wives and sisters. They are daughters. Do onto others, remember.
Anyway my point is I never dealt with the initial trauma, I swept it under the rug instead of confronting it. It never went away, I never learned from it. When I was assaulted in November I was already in therapy. It happened on a friday and I saw my therapist on monday and I didn't tell her... I didn't tell her for another week because I tried to sweep it under the rug too. I woke up in the morning after it happened and was like, "Ah well, time to just get over this and move on with my life." But I couldn't because it was a big deal. I even ran into him after it happened with my friend and he gave me a casual kiss on the cheek as if I didn't catch him having sex with my unconscious body. My skin was crawling but I was too ashamed to tell anyone what he did to me. I felt stupid and irresponsible. I wondered why I didn't kick and scream. I didn't even let myself cry. When I woke up terrified with his weight on top of me. All I wanted to do was scream and yell but then I was like... "This is Carmen's best friend, she's going to be so crushed. They're going to make me call the police and then I'll be responsible for this kid going to jail and ruin his life." I remember telling that to Alec and he was like, "Did he give a fuck he was hurting you? You're hurt now, right? It's not like a scrape it's like something that is hurting you from the inside, like cancer. You had to go on disability, you needed counseling and medication- that's ruining your life."
Honestly it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I did get the help I really needed to completely heal. It wasn't until a week after he assaulted me that I told someone. I was working in Jersey City having an off day but trying to focus on the upcoming ski trip Carmen and I were planning. She sent me a text saying, "I invited Danny and Gio." I remember staring at the text them writing, "I don't want them to go," then erasing it and writing it and erasing it and writing it again. Finally I put my phone down because I couldn't decided and thought better to just finish off my work day. I was driving in Jersey City on a busy street going the speed limit of 35 when a little boy ran out in front of my car. I hit the brakes but already envisioned my car breaking his little body. Thankfully they worked and stopped inches away from him. I wanted to get out of my car and hug him and then beat the shit out of him. I was shaking for the rest of the day and on my drive home my panic attack got so back my arms went numb. I pulled over and called my friend Victor and told him Danny raped me and that I was freaking out because Carmen invited him on the ski trip. Victor helped me as much as he could right away... He was a good friend.
Anyway... By not confronting things they don't just go away. Your mind has to spend so much time and energy ignoring the things that are bothering you it doesn't have the time to enjoy things. My friend was saying that she couldn't sleep imagining her ex drinking himself into oblivion. I told her what I do which is just recognize that it's his life and he's on his own journey of self discovery. She said that was easier said then done. So I told her, "Well then look at it this way. You loved him and treated him well and tried to help him and offered him all your love and support and instead of embracing it he ran away screaming like a little girl. That's his issue. It may make you sad but he's on his own journey and worrying about him isn't going to help anyone."
"I guess he has to hit rock bottom."
"Maybe, maybe not. But something does need to change. He has to change. He's the only one who can save himself."
We must actively break the cycle. People hurt us yes, but that doesn't mean we have to hurt ourselves. My friend is an amazing girl. She is beautiful and intelligent and amazingly kind and caring. He isn't pushing her away because he doesn't love her. She said that when she moved out he told her he loved her but he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of relief that he didn't have to worry about his mood affecting her. He doesn't want to have to deal with what's bothering him every time he's in a funk. He doesn't want kids or a family anymore because he doesn't want to worry about his issues ever hurting anyone else. In that it says it all. He's terrified of fixing what is within him. He loves her and he knows if he continues his life with her happily he will have to confront all that pain... A bottle of whiskey and a lifetime alone seems like the only thing that makes sense right now. It's either that or really let go of all the pain inside and become vulnerable to having it happen again. The thing is that it won't happen again if you understand that everyone is just hurt and any type of emotional poison they lash out is their own and has nothing to do with you.
It's difficult to trust people when you've had a lifetime of mistrust. But it gets lonely turning everyone away who knocks at your door. Pretty soon people stop knocking and then you realize that's not what you wanted you just couldn't deal with the pain at that moment. Just like I pulled away from all my friends after November and when they were all gone then I felt abandoned. You let people in. You love them. If they hurt you it's because of their own issues. You forgive and move on.
Today I spent the day battling anxiety because I now know better but I'm overwhelmed by the doing better part. I know it's just little changes... Baby steps. When Derek and I were first going out he used to use "baby steps" as code for "bitch you're freaking out and overthinking." But it's good advice and I repeat it to myself whenever things get overwhelming. Baby steps... Because a little bit of progress is still progress. Everything takes time. Little steps add up and once you realize it you're almost where you need to be. Patience Tania...
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I control nothing outside of myself. Hell I don't even control anything within myself. The only thing I can control is my perspective by making the best choice with the options I'm given. I was talking before with my mother about all the exciting stuff going on in my mind. I talked to her about my future and how I think I may be crazy.
"It started with Instagram. I was scrolling and an old friend posted a video of her 2 year old counting and singing. Watching it was like getting kicked in the stomach," when I said this my mother sucked her teeth, "just listen. Then I mosey on over to Facebook and another friend threw a ninja turtle themed birthday party for her son, and then I felt a lump in my throat." My mother rolled her eyes at this.
"Ay, Tannie. How many times do I have to tell you..."
"I'm not done. So the way I felt wasn't jealousy or like I needed it to happen right away... It was a feeling of anticipation. More like, 'I want that so bad!!! I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen!' If I want to be an amazing parent then I need to prepare myself so that none of my issues affect my children. I want to be as healthy as possible, I want to have my career in motion, have the ability to have good relationships, have stability and calm in my life. I want to be my best so that I can give my children the absolute best."
As I was talking she looked antsy like she was waiting for her turn to talk. When I had stopped talking for a sufficient amount of time she blurted out, "But where is God? You say you want, you want but where is God?"
"...What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry... I'm frustrated because you aren't listening. Where is God?! Everywhere! In everyone. He is in you and in me and in everything. Do you even know me? You're so frustrated by the fact that I don't go to church that you're missing the big picture. I treat everyone and everything with understanding, compassion, patience, love and respect..."
"Yes, yes I know, you're a nurse-"
"No! Not just as a nurse. I am this person all the time. This doesn't shut off. I live my life treating everyone with compassion, love, understanding-"
"I know, I know."
"Obviously you don't and I don't care how many times I have to repeat it as long as it eventually sticks in your head and you understand it. I always try my best. I interpret the Bible differently than you but I have the same values and morals as you do-"
"I know you're a good person, I'm not saying you're a bad person."
"Stop! Stop thinking about what you think I mean and listen to my words-pay attention to my actions. You're so busy trying to make a point you're missing the big picture and at the end of the day the big picture is all that matters. I do more good that most people who go to church every Sunday... So please, spare me from trying to convince me how terrible it is that I don't go to church. I am grateful every minute of every day. I don't need to block out an hour to listen to some idiot tell me what he thinks my God has to say to me. I know my mission in life."
She stayed quiet. I teased her about something to let her know I wasn't upset, she joked back. As I left my mother gave me a kiss and a big hug. 20 minutes later she called and said she wanted me to know she thought I was completely right. "Getting frustrated because you don't go to church is silly. People go to church to figure out how to live the way that you already do. I'm sorry I wasn't listening and didn't let you talk." With patience and kindness people can learn. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer for him to do it.
I was talking to Eddie about my (nonexistent) love life before (today was full of a lot of revelations and deep talks). I love talking to Eddie. He's an amazing listener, funny and he is extremely open to my ideas. He encourages me and makes me feel important. I wish he and my brother would adopt a baby. They would be amazing parents. So he asked how things were going with the man and I told him that things are going great which is the truth. I explained to Eddie that I'm so happy to be friends with Derek. I love him very much. After everything we've been through I feel like it proves we really enjoy each other as people, the fact that we can just joke around and be friends. I'm glad he enjoys me as a person. That makes me feel good because I genuinely like him as well.
Eddie confided in me that he worried we were moving too fast and that I was trying to "fix" him so that I could be in a relationship again. A different Tania would have been offended but I just told Eddie that Derek's a person not a bench. And "fixing" him for selfish reasons is kinda shitty, lol.
"I hope I can always remain friends with him. I've been so motivated and have grown so much in the last month because I love him and want him in my life."
"But you should be doing that for you."
"I am doing it for me. I want him to be part of my life. I love him very much and I love our families and I hold that in my mind at all moments. All the people I hurt were all the people I loved. If I want him in my life I have to be my absolute best because I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I don't care if he marries someone else. It will hurt, but I'm not fucking ugly or stupid. I'll find someone to take care of this," he obviously chuckled, "...but I honestly see all he has to offer. I know who he really is. He's silly, kind, loving and good. He loves helping people. I want to be his best friend. I want to see him happy and succeed in life because I care about him a lot."
I truly am just a fan of life lately. I've made some true breakthroughs in the last few days. Life is full of endless possibilities. I'm excited to see where mine takes me.
Friday, June 21, 2013
I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.
I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.
I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.
Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.
In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.
What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.
Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."
Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.
Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.
If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.
Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.
I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.
For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...
Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.
I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.
This is my favorite monologue.
Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?
Pamela: You wanna tell me?
Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.
Pamela: You wanna tell me.
Louis: Yes. Please.
Pamela: Go ahead…
Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.
Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.
Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.
Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!
Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.
Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.
What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.
And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.
I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.
To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
I wanna toss my mom in here just because I'm feeling grateful. That woman has taught me laughter and unconditional love. She's been my parent, sister, daughter. She told me to never depend on a man. To get an education and when I'm done learn more and after that keep learning.
Holy shit! Girls can be so fucking mean, especially these little girls growing up now. These little c words go around swearing they're the sexiest things alive and being bullies and talking shit about everyone. I'm worried for our fucking country. That generation is so inconsiderate and emotionally retarded I don't know how they'll ever manage to function as real adults. Most people I know under the age 29 do not know what the fuck to do with their lives. What the fuck? How is that possible. The twins are going to be 21 and the two of them are working bullshit jobs, taking bullshit classes here and there and making shitty ass decisions left and right all while taking zero accountability for any of it! They're girlfriends are so two faced it's sad but it's not their fault, all of them are like this! This is why I want to work with children. To help them before they become impotent adults. I'm not being judgmental, I'm relaying what I observe. (Oh and by the way, the fact that they are incapable of communicating is hilarious to me. This is the generation of "OMG TTYL LMAO" and we wonder why they can't express they're feelings in a articulate mature mannar? They don't even fucking know how to talk to each other over the phone! There's a complete void of interpersonal interaction!)
I wish they could think about someone besides themselves for just a moment. How about instead of tossing emotional poison by calling someone fat or ugly or stupid they instead recognize that all that shit is from their own goddamn insecurities. If anyone ever tries to insult me I laugh in their face. Nothing they say will hurt me, I'm just sad they're so disrespectful and carry so much anger in their hearts. I don't disrespect people. I've gone above and beyond to be honest and open and kind and loving and every other good thing with everyone I encounter even people who are difficult to like because I try to perceive God in everyone. If we're supposed to love God, and God is everything then God is in you and God is in me. So I love you. Even if you're being a cunt. (I'm not really that religious I use it more as a moral guide of the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect no mater who they are.)
Being compassionate is not a weakness it's of my greatest strength. I have the ability to empathize with anyone. But when I'm being disrespected I see red. When people attempt to insult me they go first for my weight. It's catty and mean and it's a trigger of mine considering people were extremely hurtful in the past about my weight. Now that I'm a healthier person it only takes me about a minute or two to calm down. I'm beautiful, desirable and sexy. I went out last night and all this weight got asked for her number a four times (not that I gave it out) and I was in workout clothes with no make up on. I'm educated, ambitious, intelligent, funny, mature, kind, compassionate, dedicated, and the list fucking goes on because I'm so fucking awesome.
I'm not justifying myself to anyone. I just hate when women attack one another. For what? A person who is using both of them because he can't figure out if he's ready to be a man or whatever.
I have no expectations. I live my life day by day because who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I spread love and laughter. I'm not a little girl. I'm actually quite clever so when people communicate what's going on I'm able to understand it better. I'm not competing with anyone. This is my life, not a game show. I'm a woman, not a cast member. I fucking HATE drama. I'm friends with absolutely everyone because I hold no grudges.
I suddenly don't believe in karma. I think we give ourselves what we think we deserve in this life. I deserve more than to be treated poorly, that's why I'm getting my doctrine, losing weight, building my career, getting my own place. Because I and my future family deserve the best. If you've given up on yourself you make decisions like you've given up on yourself. Such as eating until you're 300lbs or not going for that job you're actually qualified for.
"Patience" is usually always a good answer to pretty much any question. It's as if we instinctively know our time on this earth is limited with how impatient we are. We're enabling entire generations of having under developed frontal lobes which lead to poorer decision making skills and zero patience. Everything is instant gratification. You can look up anything that pops up in your head from the palm of your hand 24/7. Before we have time to process anything our fingers are already posting venom on social media. I refuse to continue a cycle of hate but I also will not be disrespected. If people have issues with me it would save a lot of drama and silliness to just directly confront me. I'm a chill, kind, reasonable person.
"When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. When ever, be kind." Cory Booker is the man. Wise words I live by. I would encourage all of humanity to try it.