Sunday, June 30, 2013

Lust is Easy

Lust is easy. Pining over someone and thinking they're super dreamy and wanting to kiss and hug and mount them. All that's biological. Love is hard. Once the hormones die down and you realize you're two complete individuals who sometimes have bad days and have quirks and faults and imperfections... that's where the challenge begins, that's when you have to use your mind.

Does this person benefit my life? Maybe it sounds selfish but it's probably important to ask yourself that with any relationship. The moment that answer is no then you know you're fighting a losing battle. I want to benefit the lives of others but the truth is I can't go around saving everyone. All I can do is worry about myself and let them know they are loved. I am transitioning from being that girl who is always worried about everyone to a girl who is only worried about myself and how I am affecting the world around me. I've found this makes me much more appealing. People want to hang out with me, people ask me for my advice and my help because I'm working on making myself the best me I can. You teach by example. I am healthy and loving and kind for myself, because being that way makes me feel good and causes less stress than the way I have been living all my life.

Happiness comes from within and is a choice. Having someone in your life will not make you happy but if someone comes into your life who is beneficial you will feel happier. You look forward to seeing them and speaking to them and spending time with them. I'm not necessarily sad when people who benefit my life aren't in it but a difference is noted.

Can I talk to this person? Friendship is important for this particular question. Ever find someone completely sexy you just wish your face was permanently attached to theirs because when they talk it makes you want to die? I'm a silly, intelligent, cultured girl. If every time I make a joke I have to explain it to you... well thats going to get old. I want someone who not only understands where I'm going but takes it there and beyond. I want to be able to talk about real things but just as importantly I want to talk about completely ridiculous things. I want to be able to communicate without even speaking. A look can say volumes, whispers can sometimes be the loudest sound. Communication is what makes or breaks relationships. You can have all the other elements which make a great relationship but if you aren't able to talk to one another about absolutely anything without fear of judgement or rejection then that relationship will crumble.

Do I feel respected by this person? That's really important. If I say something do they hear me? It's as simple as saying, "I don't like not being able to ask to hang out," then the other person saying "I'll work on it." Acknowledging that something is said is important. Even if you fail miserably and have to be reminded a hundred times, them saying they'll try means they respect you enough to try. If someone doesn't respect you their response will be something like, "Whatever." "That's your problem," or my favorite which is complete silence which links respect with communication. Respectful communication is really important. If this is someone you so-call love why would you call her a stupid bitch? And if you care about him in return why call him a worthless asshole? If you attempt to always be kind, even when you're upset you will always respect the other person.

It would be easy to call someone up when I'm lonely. Let them use my body and use theirs in return but when it's all said and done you're just two awkward sweating bodies looking for the best way to exit. Sex is easy. Follow your hormones and instinct and you'll get through it. Love it hard. Love is a daily challenge. Just like deciding everyday to try your best be happy you choose whether you want to fight for that person. You decide whether you love them enough to be patient and stick through their bullshit.   Along the road most people forget they once made each other happy and relationships tend to fall apart because one person just stops trying. You can't have a relationship on your own. The way I love people used leave me so vulnerable to getting hurt... Now I understand that people have their own demons and if they can't appreciate my love it's because of their own issues. Just because I understand doesn't mean it isn't exhausting. Wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and still being their friend is hard... Eventually it becomes so exhausting that wanting to be with them isn't something you want anymore. You don't love them any less, you will still be friends but dealing with rejection over and over again and trying not to let it affect you is consuming. It's like getting beaten up by waves. I love the beach and the ocean but once those waves kick my ass I gotta take a step back and admire it from afar. Maybe one day the water won't be so rough but I'm not gonna hold my breath.

*not going to proof read this. I feel like its disjointed and stupid but I'm hitting "publish" anyway.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

I need a vacation

My day wasn't all that terrible but I can't help but wish the earth would swallow me whole. I was sent out to do a special kind of wound care I only seen done once when I was in nursing school. I sent out various emails saying that I was willing to do it but that I had never done it before and if anyone was available to walk me through it. No one ever got back to me. I sent a few more emails this morning, nothing. I'm not going to continue to complain but I'm upset because it wasn't a simple procedure. This apartment was cluttered to the max and was 90 degrees with no a/c. Then I had to slowly and as gently as possible peel this super adhesive dressing off this poor girl's skin (imagine pulling off a bandaid the size of a textbook only 20 times more adhesive). The child was so brave and was screaming bloody murder while I was peeling it off. Complete the dressing change and the machine she's attached to won't stop beeping. Finally I get it to stop, I leave and then an hour later when I'm about to be home her mother calls me saying it won't stop beeping. I call my supervisor who transfers me to another supervisor who says, "What the hell do you want me to do?" who then does nothing. Meanwhile this mother is blowing my fucking phone up and no one is getting back to me.

I ASKED FOR HELP! I don't fucking do that very often. Instead of getting help I put this little girl through an excruciating dressing change which will have to be taken off and done again because no one fucking listened to my request. I feel incompetent but more than anything I feel angry. I know my limitations, I expressed my limitations and now an innocent child suffers because no one else fucking cares. I feel so bad.

I will learn from this and if I have to go back I will but I just feel like it's really fucked up. Everyone is telling me to relax (including my boss) but I didn't come into nursing to hurt people unnecessarily.

I feel as hard as I'm trying life is a constant test. I have been in an awful mood since I got home. I've cried and complained and gotten angry and annoyed. I went out before for a little bit only to turn right around because I just wanted to run people over and yell at them.

I feel like I'm more than willing to be there for people and love people and help people but I don't get that shit in return. After feeling so upset with work I just wanted someone to cheer me up for a little. My disappointment at the fact that no one was around only intensified my awful mood. I'm sure it's a life lesson in disguise as I yelled at Linus to self-soothe again. I'm just so willing to be there and love people. People suck.

I wish on stars every night. I pray, I serve, I love and love and love some more. I work fucking hard. I love fucking hard. When someone's having a tough time I'm sure to let them know if they need a friend I'm here. But the second I need a friend?...

Being the change you want to see in the world is lonely.

I'm sitting here crying like a little girl. I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why do I expect so much? Jesus. Today just enforces the fact that I need a vacation. I have been working really hard. I have gone through a lot. I deserve some time away to clear my fucking head. I'm going to get all my patients in order so that I can dump them on someone else and disappear for a week. If no one wants to come with me then screw it, I'll go away alone. Maybe it sounds lonely but it won't be. I'm fun, even by myself.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Big day

I was having a bit of a block lately when it came to writing. I think it's because I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated with the fact that I wasn't doing more. I knew exactly what I needed to do but I hadn't been doing it. When Derek came back into my life I shut down a little. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, I needed to shut down. I needed to confront all my issues head on and deal with them because if I didn't then I would never be healthy enough to have him in my life. Because I spent the last month submerged in self discovery I fell behind on a lot of things. This week has been really difficult because I've been really scared. I'm terrified of what being functional is like. I'm terrified of not just failing but succeeding too. I'm so scared. This morning I woke up relatively early and although I really wanted to go back to sleep I got up and started my day. I packed up my charts, my laundry and my Linus and went to my parents. I did my laundry and charted while my dad took care of hanging out with Linus. I got work done, I ran errands. It was a GOOD day.

I went to dinner with one of my close friends. I haven't seen her in over a month and she stopped texting me so I figured I hurt her feelings by disappearing for the last month and a half or so. I text her earlier in the week when she posted yet another outing that she didn't invite me to. I told her I wish she had told me she was going to the beach because I would have gone. She said she wasn't going to keep inviting me to things just to be rejected. She's cute. I apologized for disappearing the last few weeks and that I missed her and loved her. I explained that I had a lot to go through and I needed to go through it alone. "But you always help me through my stuff! It's not fair that you won't let me help." I don't know many people who would get upset for not being allowed to help and that's why she's so awesome. I waited for her to reach out and she did. This being patient thing actually works. Go figure.

Part of me is still disappointed with myself for not doing more today. But then the kinder, smarter part of myself reminds that other part that today I did more than I did yesterday and maybe tomorrow I'll do more than I did today. I need to be patient with myself and enjoy the little victories. You had a really functional day, Tania! And you were mentally kinda functional too. You were able to put the two together for the first time in your life. That's a big deal! Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, dummy! :)

Baby steps

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

For the betterment of tomorrow.

I'm pleased with the amount of growth that I've been doing. My life is changing at an unprecedented rate. All of this is happening because a year ago I consciously decided, "I will always learn from my mistakes." To learn from my mistakes I had to acknowledge that I made mistakes. Growing up to perfectionist parents and being instilled with that mentality was not easy. Anything not perfect is a mistake. A mistake to the a perfectionist is pretty much the end of the world. To avoid the inevitable (that whatever you do isn't going to be perfect) perfectionist procrastinate. Acknowledging that you made one mistake is difficult. Looking back on your life and recognizing you've made a lifetime of mistakes is overwhelming. But acknowledging there's a problem is the first step in recovery. You can't find a solution if you refuse to admit there's a problem. This very first step made me feel so uncomfortable. "What do you mean 'admit to messing up?' I didn't mess up! Everyone around me messed up! They treated me bad, this is their fault! I would have never thought/been/acted that way if I wasn't for him/her!"

You are in complete control of whether or not you allow your emotions get the best of you. I've been trying to think what the difference between little boys and little girls is that is really affecting the men growing up now in our society. I honestly think it's because we tell our boys, "men don't cry." Children at a young age believe everything their parents tell them. If a little boy's parents enforce "Boys don't cry, only girls do that," what are we teaching our him? That he is not allowed to express his emotions; he must hold everything in and maintain composure because that is what men do and he obviously wants to be a man. We never teach these boys a different outlet for their emotions, they just aren't allowed to express them. So they spend their youth stifling undesirable emotions and seeking distractions instead of handling things head on. "Thinking about that sad thing that happened to me makes me sad but sadness is an emotion I'm allowed to express, so instead I'll ignore my sadness with a numbing distraction." Using drugs and alcohol numbs the pain. Playing video games is safer than going outside and getting hurt. Alec said to me before, "Check out these graphics! Have you seen trees look that good?" 
"Yeah... outside." 

The other thing we tell our little boys is that they are responsible for providing for their family. They must choose something which pays really well because they are a man and they must be practical. The last guy I dated didn't quite have his shit together. He brought it up when we decided to just be friends and I responded, "Yeah, neither do I." To which he responded, "Yeah but you're going to have your shit together before me. I wasn't raised like that. I really think you're great and I like you as a person but we're in different places and it isn't something my pride will allow me to overlook." Telling little boys, "Hey, you're gonna have to be responsible for being the provider of a whole family which I'm sure is a lot of pressure because now you have to choose a career then find a job but just smoosh that anxiety and fear down deep with all the rest of your issues because you're not allowed to express your feelings anyway." The only acceptable emotions are happiness and anger. Then we wonder why men are black and white thinkers.

I helped deliver puppies last night/this morning. 9 beautiful pit bulls, the 10th unfortunately was a stillborn. 5 boys 5 girls. It was amazing and beautiful. There was a sweet sadness even holding the stillborn in my hands. Life is a miracle only some of us get to experience. Spiritual or not I think we can agree that our time in this flesh is limited. 

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about romance. She asked what I wanted romantically. "Oh... you know, just to fall in love with my best friend and have him love me back. I wanna have adventures together, get married, create a family, raise them with lots of love, make a few of our dreams come true. I hope to die old in each other's arms and get matching burial plots and tombstones." It was a joke (kinda) but it made me think about being buried. I don't think I wanna do that. I spent too much of my life tied down to one place. I think it's Louis CK who makes a joke about the fact that people who get cremated are just giving their relative another errand to do from beyond the grave. I think I would prefer cremation. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Take me out to sea and let the wind take me all over the world. I want the only evidence I existed to be in the memories of people's hearts and the deeds I completed. If I'm remembered may it be for my ideas and the love I share with others. 

I had a nice afternoon with the boy I like yesterday. I drove. Since the dawn of Benito and Chunks, Benito has always criticized Chunks' driving. He makes me nervous, I make him carsick, he complains, I get more nervous. Oh that and the fact that I have a lead foot. So yesterday he mentioned that he was carsick and I said something like, "You used to get so mad at me for my driving." He was quiet for a second then he explained that he didn't think I was a bad driver, I just drive fast so I have to brake hard and the stop and go motion makes him feel car sick. He explained that he just coasts most the time going the speed limit because he's never in a rush to go anywhere. 
I learned a good lesson a few months ago which is, if someone criticizes you, listen to what they say. If there's truth in it, change your behavior, if there's no truth then they're just hurt and dumping their poison on you. He's being truthful. I have felt that my driving can be reckless sometimes and the fact of the matter is I spent a lot more time on the road then other people. My chances of getting in an accident are higher and that does worry me. I'm a very good driver because my job depends on it but just like in the rest of my life I must try to be better and being a respectful driver is part of that. Also, if my driving makes him sick it may make other people sick as well and that's not something I want. Today while I drove I actively paid attention to my driving to change the behavior. Its funny how blind you are to something until someone else brings it to your attention. Derek helped me see a few things yesterday just being an honest friend. 

One of the many many reasons I love Derek is because he doesn't sugar coat anything. That may sounds like I'm sugar coating the fact that he's an asshole, lol, but I'm not. He isn't disrespectful he's just honest and direct, he always has been. Yesterday I made a joke about something my brother did to me. With a puzzled look he said, "You laugh things off that are really sad." It stung for a second but then I realized it was true. I love my brother but I also enable the shit out of him. Today he messed with my self improvement and it was the last straw. It's not like he hasn't don't shit to me like he pulled today before but after Derek pointed out that I shrug off a lot of things that really aren't cool I realized I needed to stand up for myself.
... It didn't go da best... It didn't go da worst. I started with "I love you" to which I received, "Stop telling me you love me." We got into an argument where I was very direct and honest with him. I wasn't hurtful, I didn't make judgments I just told him how I felt and let him know that I wasn't going to be a helping him anymore. 
"I am very respectful, considerate, tolerant, patient and forgiving of you. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I've given you a year. You don't treat me the same back. I don't love you any less for that because I understand why but I can't help you anymore because there is absolutely no benefit to come from it. You aren't gaining anything... I'm losing a lot." I also asked him to move out... He's not a happy camper but neither am I. People make their own choices and there are consequences for their decisions. I can be compassionate and understanding but allowing the same behavior to continue over and over again without changing anything is just stupid or as Einstein would say, insanity. Which is absolutely true. It makes me mentally ill to enable people I love and expecting that will help them get better. I do not want to be mentally ill therefore I must not enable them. 

Lots of things changing... All for the betterment of tomorrow. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Give Thanks

I'm laying around staring at the walls. I feel an immense amount of gratitude. Gratitude for everything I've experienced. If I didn't have to experience hardship and pain and overcome obstacles- if I didn't have to pull myself up from the pits of despair I would never be able to appreciate how good life can be. I am so grateful for Linus. I know he's a dog but seriously he's shown me pure love. Love with no judgement or anger or resentment. He's taught me what it feels like to be in charge of someone's well-being. Today I had a rough day and he spent the whole time trying to cheer me up or cuddled next to me. All he wants to give me is love, all he wants in return is love... and food. 

I'm grateful for my parents because they really did want more for me and they tried to give me a better life than the life they had. They also showed me what unhealthy parenting is and helped me learn from their mistakes. I'm grateful that now that I'm older they listen to me and recognize me as an individual. Earlier my mom asked me how I was doing and I told her how my day started with a panic attack and how I had to make it go away. "And how'd you do that?" She asked it so genuinely it made me smile. I explained how I talk to myself and tell myself that no one is chasing me, my world isn't collapsing and that whatever is happening to me I have no control over it but there's no need to worry or be afraid. Bringing myself to the actual situation usually stops the palpitations then I can figure out where the anxiety is coming from after that. 

I'm grateful for my brothers... I have always watched them makes mistakes and have learned through them. Maybe that's bitchy but they have helped me grow positively. They always have my back and are equally messed up so I know it was our parents fault and not that I'm crazy, haha. I'm grateful for our close relationships. We've fought, I've hit them, they've called me names but we loved each other unconditionally. It's taught me a lot and as I'm learning I talk to them. Today I talked to Jr about a dude who was abused and is now hurting himself by drinking and using drugs. "That's still better than hurting other people." There was a hint of defense in his voice. I told him that just because you can't see the bruises doesn't mean you don't hurt people. "Your bad decisions don't affect me." I smirked. 
"How did you feel when I tried to kill myself? Did it hurt you?"
"What? Did it hurt me? It was fucked up!"
"You would have been really hurt if I died right? My self destruction hurt everyone I loved. Just not on the outside."

I'm grateful for Derek. I've learned real unconditional love and forgiveness. Having him back in my life has transformed me as a person. Forgiving what we put each other through and becoming friends has been one of the greatest life lessons I've ever learned. If you truly love someone it doesn't matter if they can love you back, you let them know because it the truth. Because if you truly love someone you want them to feel loved always. I've learned that loving someone isn't saying those words, it's consistency and actions and kindness and hope.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
My love for him has made me really uncover my demons because I want to be healthy, I never want to push him away again. Because of what we've went through I've learned that my actions have consequences and just because people act like they don't care it doesn't mean you can hurt them to force a reaction out of them. Just because they act like they don't care doesn't mean they don't care. 

Something about Derek has always made me want to put my words into actions. I said I was going to get straight A's in nursing school and with him by my side I did it. I wanted to be thin, with him in my life I was. I loved him so much I wanted to be better. Before I knew how to be healthy I needed him to be that person, now I just am that person. I can't deny there's something about him. I saw him briefly on Sunday. I had to consciously take a step back and breathe when he said hi, my whole body was like, "HUG HIM LIKE YOU'RE A KOALA BEAR!!!" but I didn't because I have to respect that he may not want that. I'm allowing life to take me where it wants to instead of trying to steer. Love is just being... and letting the other person be as well.   

Thank you life, you are an amazing teacher. 

Funky day...

So that nap was a bad idea. Waking up with another panic attack I was like, "I'm dumb." I just wrote about doing even a little is better than doing nothing and I then went and did nothing instead of something. Just having a funky day I guess.

My friend just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She's doing well, we've been talking a lot. Her ex's issue is the same as at least 10 guys I know. Going through life in a haze of indecision and fear. He was hurt as a kid and his parents just swept all those issues under the rug instead of confronting them, "Now it's massive rotting dump." Yeah... because pushing your issues down doesn't make them disappear it just makes them fester and become infected and necrotic.

I got taken advantage of when I was 13 years old. I never dealt with it, I never told my parents I just lived with that pain, that feeling of powerlessness and self loathing. It stayed there rotting me from the inside. I didn't understand then. I didn't even know it was something that affected me. No I just thought I had this really cool talent of being able to shut myself off emotionally when someone wanted to use my body. I went to a happy place where no one was hurting me. The guys growing up now are taught that it's okay to get a girl drunk and then have sex with her. They aren't taught that it's disgusting and that she doesn't have the wherewithal to consent, on the contrary media makes it seem completely acceptable. So now there's a generation of girls growing up with this ability to have casual sex and pretend it's not bothering them. Giving yourself to another person is a big deal. Your body should be treated with the respect and reverence it deserves. It should not be used like a tissue for some guy with a need and no sense of respect. Women deserve more than to just give themselves up because a dude is horny. And men should have more respect for women. They are going to be mothers and wives and sisters. They are daughters. Do onto others, remember.

Anyway my point is I never dealt with the initial trauma, I swept it under the rug instead of confronting it. It never went away, I never learned from it. When I was assaulted in November I was already in therapy. It happened on a friday and I saw my therapist on monday and I didn't tell her... I didn't tell her for another week because I tried to sweep it under the rug too. I woke up in the morning after it happened and was like, "Ah well, time to just get over this and move on with my life." But I couldn't because it was a big deal. I even ran into him after it happened with my friend and he gave me a casual kiss on the cheek as if I didn't catch him having sex with my unconscious body. My skin was crawling but I was too ashamed to tell anyone what he did to me. I felt stupid and irresponsible. I wondered why I didn't kick and scream. I didn't even let myself cry. When I woke up terrified with his weight on top of me. All I wanted to do was scream and yell but then I was like... "This is Carmen's best friend, she's going to be so crushed. They're going to make me call the police and then I'll be responsible for this kid going to jail and ruin his life." I remember telling that to Alec and he was like, "Did he give a fuck he was hurting you? You're hurt now, right? It's not like a scrape it's like something that is hurting you from the inside, like cancer. You had to go on disability, you needed counseling and medication- that's ruining your life."

Honestly it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I did get the help I really needed to completely heal. It wasn't until a week after he assaulted me that I told someone. I was working in Jersey City having an off day but trying to focus on the upcoming ski trip Carmen and I were planning. She sent me a text saying, "I invited Danny and Gio." I remember staring at the text them writing, "I don't want them to go," then erasing it and writing it and erasing it and writing it again. Finally I put my phone down because I couldn't decided and thought better to just finish off my work day. I was driving in Jersey City on a busy street going the speed limit of 35 when a little boy ran out in front of my car. I hit the brakes but already envisioned my car breaking his little body. Thankfully they worked and stopped inches away from him. I wanted to get out of my car and hug him and then beat the shit out of him. I was shaking for the rest of the day and on my drive home my panic attack got so back my arms went numb. I pulled over and called my friend Victor and told him Danny raped me and that I was freaking out because Carmen invited him on the ski trip. Victor helped me as much as he could right away... He was a good friend.

Anyway... By not confronting things they don't just go away. Your mind has to spend so much time and energy ignoring the things that are bothering you it doesn't have the time to enjoy things. My friend was saying that she couldn't sleep imagining her ex drinking himself into oblivion. I told her what I do which is just recognize that it's his life and he's on his own journey of self discovery. She said that was easier said then done. So I told her, "Well then look at it this way. You loved him and treated him well and tried to help him and offered him all your love and support and instead of embracing it he ran away screaming like a little girl. That's his issue. It may make you sad but he's on his own journey and worrying about him isn't going to help anyone."
"I guess he has to hit rock bottom."
"Maybe, maybe not. But something does need to change. He has to change. He's the only one who can save himself."

We must actively break the cycle. People hurt us yes, but that doesn't mean we have to hurt ourselves. My friend is an amazing girl. She is beautiful and intelligent and amazingly kind and caring. He isn't pushing her away because he doesn't love her. She said that when she moved out he told her he loved her but he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of relief that he didn't have to worry about his mood affecting her. He doesn't want to have to deal with what's bothering him every time he's in a funk. He doesn't want kids or a family anymore because he doesn't want to worry about his issues ever hurting anyone else. In that it says it all. He's terrified of fixing what is within him. He loves her and he knows if he continues his life with her happily he will have to confront all that pain... A bottle of whiskey and a lifetime alone seems like the only thing that makes sense right now. It's either that or really let go of all the pain inside and become vulnerable to having it happen again. The thing is that it won't happen again if you understand that everyone is just hurt and any type of emotional poison they lash out is their own and has nothing to do with you.

It's difficult to trust people when you've had a lifetime of mistrust. But it gets lonely turning everyone away who knocks at your door. Pretty soon people stop knocking and then you realize that's not what you wanted you just couldn't deal with the pain at that moment. Just like I pulled away from all my friends after November and when they were all gone then I felt abandoned. You let people in. You love them. If they hurt you it's because of their own issues. You forgive and move on.

Today I spent the day battling anxiety because I now know better but I'm overwhelmed by the doing better part. I know it's just little changes... Baby steps. When Derek and I were first going out he used to use "baby steps" as code for "bitch you're freaking out and overthinking." But it's good advice and I repeat it to myself whenever things get overwhelming. Baby steps... Because a little bit of progress is still progress. Everything takes time. Little steps add up and once you realize it you're almost where you need to be. Patience Tania...

Patience and Practice and Practice and Patience

Some days it's harder to be happy. Today I woke up with a moderate amount of anxiety. I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else but it's like waking up from a nightmare except I didn't have a nightmare, I'm just panicking on autopilot. That immediately annoyed me, "Seriously? Starting the day at the bottom of the mountain? Sweet." I go on social media, get more annoyed... My morning was full of me just being really annoyed at everything; my brother, the weather. I went to get lunch in hillsborough and got stuck between a super waspy couple in their mid 20's in front of me and a waspy wealthy father and "adult" son (seriously they were wearing pastel shorts and boat shoes). Between the two conversations I thought my eyes were going to fall out from rolling. The couple in front of me was just nauseatingly in love. The bitch would not stop talking, like her mouth didn't shut once. The chick was a ballet instructor and was saying she charges the little girls 65 bucks a class and was saying how that was actually cheap.  In my head all I can think is how much milk that would by one of my families in Newark. Then the father son behind me made me want to slap them both. From what I eavesdropped the dad (who looked like a judge or someone super important) was going away on vacation and he was leaving his "adult" son the house while he was away. Literally what I heard.

"Do you need a refresher course on mowing the lawn?"asked the dad.
"Nah, not much to it, just don't put your hand in it. Ugh... do you like... bag it? Because that's super annoying and I'm not gonna do it."
"Yeah I bag it but it's okay if you don't want to."
"Cool. And like, can you make sure the air conditioner's on the whole time because last time when I did this it was soooo hot and it took like forever to get cool, like it was super annoying and not worth it."
"Yeah sure... Just call Jen a little before you go and she'll run over and turn it on."
"Well you can do that, I'll text you and then you make sure Jen knows."
"Yeah, okay, I will."
"Kay, cool. I'm gonna have a bunch of people coming."

And then I had to go to a happy place before I had an aneurysm. I just wanted to look at the dude and be like, "Where are your balls?" Being a good parent isn't saying yes all the time. It's treating your kid with respect and kindness and demanding the same in return. Treat people the way you want to be treated... but if they refuse to treat you back in return there's nothing that says that person has to be in your life. 

When I got home Linus (my dog) was being super annoying. I just wanted to eat my food in peace and he kept wanting attention so then I went into the other room. He would not stop scratching and crying. I got up went out and yelled at him. "Linus! Shut up! Go play! Do your own thing! Self soothe, dammit! Stop being so needy!" When I closed the door behind me I started chuckling. Don Miguel Ruiz is a fucking genius. He talks about verbal/emotional poison. Don't take anything personally. It's super true. 

It may seem silly but I blew up at my dog because I woke up frustrated with myself. I woke up to a panic attack and that shit is discouraging. On days like today my main focus isn't trying to make the best out of the day, as soon as I opened my eyes I had to do damage control. My anxiety dissipated because I angrily said to myself, "There's nothing fucking going on to make you anxious you stupid bitch. Calm the fuck down!" But I was angry with my body. Angry because I'm working so fucking hard and somedays just are a little more challenging then others but I don't need to succumb to the frustration. Linus just wanted my love and attention. I could have just been patient and let him sit by me as I ate my lunch but I was angry and in no mood to be patient and understanding. 

When I realized what I was doing I opened the door and let him in. He kissed my hands and face and was crying trying to cuddle me. I apologized and cuddled him for a couple of minutes. Currently he's snuggle up next to me napping. He just wanted my love and I was in too bad a mood to give it. I'm frustrated with myself because now that I've had this very enlightening weekend of spiritual and emotional revelation I realize all the things I'm doing wrong and what I need to change. I woke up panicked because it's Monday which means I really have to start this life for real. No more half assing it. I know better. When you know better you must do better. I'm scared. And exhausted just thinking about everything I have to change and overcome. 

It's just practice. I feel fine now because I recognized what was really bothering me. There was a time not to long ago where I would have let my bad day escalate to an overwhelming proportion. Now I nip it in the butt. Eventually being a well oiled machine will be second nature. Like everything else it just takes practice, patience and love. I am undergoing a terrifying transition but I'll be okay... it's all for the best. When things seem overwhelming just be patient and keep doing what you have to do to make it better. The work you put into being who you want to be is never wasted energy. 

"It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little. Do what you can." Sydney Smith

Today started off challenging and I don't feel like giving 100%. But that doesn't mean I give up on today and give zero. Always do your best. Today my best will be being patient with myself, giving love and being productive after I take an afternoon nap on my day off. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013


So my father went away on a spiritual retreat and before he left my mother asked me to write him a letter so that he could read it while he was there. I wrote to him about love and forgiveness and included a verse from the Bible.

"All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. Be imitators of God, as beloved children and live in love as Christ loved." 

I am reading all types of theology because I want to be able to relate to everyone and spread my thoughts with every type of person from all walks of life in a way they will understand and relate to. Being a visiting nurse has been so very good for me and my growth as a person. As a visiting nurse I deal with ALL types of families from all types of socio-economic statuses, ethnicities, and religions. I treat them all the same. Honestly it fuels my desire to be a human rights advocate; there is so much poverty, there is so little education. Religion is free group therapy. Unfortunately people think that just walking into the building is enough to be saved. I just gotta say some "Our Father's" and eat this cracker and suddenly I'm saved. There is so much truth and guidance and wisdom in theology but people get caught up in needing to be right about their interpretations. This is what all religion in the world boils down to... LOVE EACH OTHER. BE KIND. FORGIVE. That's pretty much it. Everything else are just the little details. We all have the same message, it doesn't matter if we use psychology, catholicism, judaism what have you- the message is more important than fighting over what to eat and what to wear. 

Well at the end of the retreats there's a mass where the "candidates" get to talk about their experiences. The church is full of parents who are hoping the good Lord helped their son give up heroin, and wives who hope their husbands will stop drinking and being violent. They are so excited and hopeful to meet their brand new family member. It's nice but sad because I know it doesn't stick. Why do you think religions request times of meditation daily and one day a week for worship? Because weekly therapy is really helpful. So these kids who went to be saved are saved for today... But then life starts up again, and shit gets stressful and they start slipping and wondering where the fuck God went. It's all so clear to me. I feel like all the problems in the world stem from one thing... A lack of knowledge. When you know more you can do better. Why is the whole world not being educated then? 

The mass was actually beautiful. The priest was a Mexican-American and he was really silly and funny and everything he spent mass speaking about was what I had written to my dad. He spoke of love and forgiveness and second chances. I was captivated because he was speaking about all the things I have been feeling and I felt oddly reassured that I was on the right path. 

During the mass I couldn't help but stare at this beautiful woman who was sitting a few pews in front of me. She was Dominican, her mahogany skin looked so smooth and positively radiant. She was so well put together but there was something else about her. She was a full figured woman but she exuded confidence, beauty and just a warm glow. At the end of mass she ended up standing next to me waiting for someone. I hesitated for a second then put my hand on her arm, she looked at me and I told her she looked very beautiful. Her eyes filled with tears and she thanked me. A few minutes later I saw her with one of the candidates and she was holding him close, tears streaming on both their faces, "I'm so proud of you, I love you so very much" I heard her say. That radiance I couldn't look away from was love.  

Educating myself in different religions and belief systems allows me to relate to people. I spent my summer night talking to my father about forgiveness, love and Derek. My father was so calm but it's so apparent that he still sees me as a little girl. 
"Tania, you're still young and inexperienced, one day you'll see where I'm coming from."
"I'm your little girl but I'm not A little girl. Don't tell me I'm not experienced. I've had to overcome a hell of a lot more than you ever did. You're 63 and you're just starting to see the message. For example you never gave Derek a chance, "
"Well, you just brought him in my home and I was what? Just supposed to accept it? From the moment you forced an introduction I decided I didn't want to accept him,"
"And so you didn't! You never gave him a chance," This is where it started getting heated.
"You were living in my house and you just brought him in without consulting me or telling me anything first. You just brought him over unannounced and I'm supposed to want to get to know him?"
"No!" at this point my dad stood up and paced the patio. 
"Sit down, please... I want to say something but I want to say it in a way you're going to understand me so I need to to give me a second and to be receptive to what I'm saying." He sat and nodded. My mother was on the sidelines watching us go back and forth like a tennis match. "Because of everything my brothers and I have had to live because of your and mami's parenting... I want to focus my career on childhood development and parenting."
"Oh, with the bad parenting stuff... Listen! My parents fed me and clothed me until I was 16 years old after that I was on my own. At 21 I dropped out of college, which I was putting myself through working two jobs to come to this country. I didn't know the language, I didn't have any family or any friends here but I wanted more and I knew mami and papi weren't going to help me get anywhere."
"Yeah, Papi... that was shitty. That would make me very angry. I can see it still makes you angry."
"I'm not angry, it never bothered me. It was what it was. But i learned if I wanted to be something I had to rely on myself. So I'm sorry if I can't feel sorry for you and your brother when I tried to give you all the best things I could afford."
"Yeah, well that's the problem. We didn't want things. What we needed didn't have a price. Love. Giving hugs, letting us know we were important, that shit is free. How many times did you tell me you loved me before I said it to you when I was 18?"
"I dunno, not enough I'm guessing?"
"Did you say it everyday?"
"*sigh* no"
"Once a week?... Once a year? Never?"
"Maybe I didn't say it but I thought it all the time."
"Too bad we weren't mind readers, then... Want to know how I'm going to handle the situation when my daughter brings someone home?... I'm going to talk to him and get to know him and get to know his family and his friends because I love my daughter and I want her to be safe and the only way I will know she's safe is if I build a relationship with her and the people in her life no matter how difficult they are. As a parent it was your responsibility to get to know who I brought home and guide me and teach me the right way of handling a relationship. The Bible says to be imitators of God. To love and forgive."
"I forgive but I don't forget."
"Then you don't forgive. You run these retreats and talk to people about God and the Bible. Since you do that it means you don't actually have to practice what you preach?" 
"...I never said I was a perfect man."
"But since now you know better you should do better. Let your sons know they are important and loved. Let people in to your heart without being suspicious of when they're going to betray you."

The conversation went on but it was the most my father has ever told me about his feelings and his past. During the conversation he was open and did tell me a few times he loved him. I told him about my philosophies. He told me the first year he was in the US he would send all his money back to his parents and when he went out to visit the first time they didn't even say thank you. I told him that was shitty too, he shrugged and sadly said, "But I was a good son." 

Fuck... Now I get my dad. I really need to talk to my advisor at school and figure out what the fuck I can do with this new talent of mine.

Full Potential

I had an amazing day. I find myself entertaining. I don't know if that makes me crazy but I am always laughing at the silliness that goes through my head. I have a lot of time to think when I'm working seeing as I drive anywhere from 80 to 150 miles during a shift. It used to kill me because my head used to be full of negative thoughts but now it's full of ideas and dreams and aspirations and questions. It's terrifying but really entertaining for the most part. I love being silly. I love not caring what other people think about me anymore. I love not being afraid of life... Like yeah of course it's scary and unpredictable but I know that nothing is the end of the world. Even the end of the world isn't the end of the world because I'm not afraid anymore.

I control nothing outside of myself. Hell I don't even control anything within myself. The only thing I can control is my perspective by making the best choice with the options I'm given. I was talking before with my mother about all the exciting stuff going on in my mind. I talked to her about my future and how I think I may be crazy.

"It started with Instagram. I was scrolling and an old friend posted a video of her 2 year old counting and singing. Watching it was like getting kicked in the stomach," when I said this my mother sucked her teeth, "just listen. Then I mosey on over to Facebook and another friend threw a ninja turtle themed birthday party for her son, and then I felt a lump in my throat." My mother rolled her eyes at this.

"Ay, Tannie. How many times do I have to tell you..."

"I'm not done. So the way I felt wasn't jealousy or like I needed it to happen right away... It was a feeling of anticipation. More like, 'I want that so bad!!! I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen!' If I want to be an amazing parent then I need to prepare myself so that none of my issues affect my children. I want to be as healthy as possible, I want to have my career in motion, have the ability to have good relationships, have stability and calm in my life. I want to be my best so that I can give my children the absolute best."

As I was talking she looked antsy like she was waiting for her turn to talk. When I had stopped talking for a sufficient amount of time she blurted out, "But where is God? You say you want, you want but where is God?"

"...What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry... I'm frustrated because you aren't listening. Where is God?! Everywhere! In everyone. He is in you and in me and in everything. Do you even know me? You're so frustrated by the fact that I don't go to church that you're missing the big picture. I treat everyone and everything with understanding, compassion, patience, love and respect..."
"Yes, yes I know, you're a nurse-"
"No! Not just as a nurse. I am this person all the time. This doesn't shut off. I live my life treating everyone with compassion, love, understanding-"
"I know, I know."
"Obviously you don't and I don't care how many times I have to repeat it as long as it eventually sticks in your head and you understand it. I always try my best. I interpret the Bible differently than you but I have the same values and morals as you do-"
"I know you're a good person, I'm not saying you're a bad person."
"Stop! Stop thinking about what you think I mean and listen to my words-pay attention to my actions. You're so busy trying to make a point you're missing the big picture and at the end of the day the big picture is all that matters. I do more good that most people who go to church every Sunday... So please, spare me from trying to convince me how terrible it is that I don't go to church. I am grateful every minute of every day. I don't need to block out an hour to listen to some idiot tell me what he thinks my God has to say to me. I know my mission in life."
She stayed quiet. I teased her about something to let her know I wasn't upset, she joked back. As I left my mother gave me a kiss and a big hug. 20 minutes later she called and said she wanted me to know she thought I was completely right. "Getting frustrated because you don't go to church is silly. People go to church to figure out how to live the way that you already do. I'm sorry I wasn't listening and didn't let you talk." With patience and kindness people can learn. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer for him to do it.

I was talking to Eddie about my (nonexistent) love life before (today was full of a lot of revelations and deep talks). I love talking to Eddie. He's an amazing listener, funny and he is extremely open to my ideas. He encourages me and makes me feel important. I wish he and my brother would adopt a baby. They would be amazing parents. So he asked how things were going with the man and I told him that things are going great which is the truth. I explained to Eddie that I'm so happy to be friends with Derek. I love him very much. After everything we've been through I feel like it proves we really enjoy each other as people, the fact that we can just joke around and be friends. I'm glad he enjoys me as a person. That makes me feel good because I genuinely like him as well.
Eddie confided in me that he worried we were moving too fast and that I was trying to "fix" him so that I could be in a relationship again. A different Tania would have been offended but I just told Eddie that Derek's a person not a bench. And "fixing" him for selfish reasons is kinda shitty, lol.

"I hope I can always remain friends with him. I've been so motivated and have grown so much in the last month because I love him and want him in my life."
"But you should be doing that for you."
"I am doing it for me. I want him to be part of my life. I love him very much and I love our families and I hold that in my mind at all moments. All the people I hurt were all the people I loved. If I want him in my life I have to be my absolute best because I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I don't care if he marries someone else. It will hurt, but I'm not fucking ugly or stupid. I'll find someone to take care of this," he obviously chuckled, "...but I honestly see all he has to offer. I know who he really is. He's silly, kind, loving and good. He loves helping people. I want to be his best friend. I want to see him happy and succeed in life because I care about him a lot."

I truly am just a fan of life lately. I've made some true breakthroughs in the last few days. Life is full of endless possibilities. I'm excited to see where mine takes me.

Friday, June 21, 2013

What Do I Deserve?

I've spent my day reflecting upon my life and being introspective. I woke up with crippling anxiety because life is doing it's own thing and I have trouble riding out waves without feeling like panicking. I prayed this morning and meditated then took my pup outside and sat and wrote in my journal until it all made sense.

I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.

I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.

I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.

Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.

In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.

What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.

Happiness is not a destination, its a way of traveling.

Happiness doesn't fall in your lap one day. Happiness isn't found in money nor in people; happiness is choice which is made on a moment to moment basis.

Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."

Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.

Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.

If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.

Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.

I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.

For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.

Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...

Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.

This is my favorite monologue.

Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?

Pamela: You wanna tell me?

Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.

Pamela: You wanna tell me.

Louis: Yes. Please.

Pamela: Go ahead…

Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.

Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.

Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.

Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!

Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.

Pamela: Louie…

Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

All Things Grow with Love

I'm having a rough day. I have to call my dr and make an appt because I've been feeling extra drained and emotional and it probably has to do with the fact that my period decided to chill with me 3 different times in the last month including currently. Its stupid though because they'll probably just relate it to stress. I got plenty of that shit.
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.

What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.

And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.

I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.

To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
the end.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Four Fathers

This Father’s day was simple but magical. I spent the day with my brothers, mom, dad and Eddie. It was completely uneventful but the best father’s day we’ve ever had. As I was sitting on my porch enjoying the summer night air with Linus, I began looking back at my childhood.

My father was my first love. Most people dislike my dad because he’s a grumpy old man, lol, but I know a side of my father that is so gentle, loving and kind that I wish the rest of the world could see. My father has taught to be compassionate and empathetic from years of practice being that way with him. Because of him I know that even the scariest and stony of men are capable of love and kindness. My father’s love for me is an endless ocean. He respects my opinions and ideas even when he doesn’t agree.  

The dinner table this evening was electric with nostalgia. My brothers and I took turns teasing one another (Danny always being our fallback, of course). Jr mimed his death behind Danny’s back as Danny told the longest story of my life. Rudy was eating healthy in a muscle shirt, cracking wiseass remarks. I felt like a kid around the dinner table again, spending a day with the men I loved first.

My brothers are 12 and 13 years older than me.  Growing up I had 4 dads.

Danny will be an amazing father one day, he already is. Danny has always been there for me and taught me what healthy parenting is. Danny never hit me or disrespected me; he was always kind and always knew who my friends were and their parents and their numbers and addresses and zodiac signs, etc. Danny was naturally an amazing and involved parent. Danny got me ready for school, fed me, and helped me with homework. He spoiled me and always let me know how much he loved me. Danny taught me trust; he kept all my secrets and didn’t judge me. I’m able to tell Danny anything and I know he will give me at least 3 suggestions on how to handle the situation. He loves me unconditionally. 

Rudy’s always been the family’s douchy beefcake, lol. He always treated me as his equal, when I was 5 he talked to me like I was a person, not a baby. He’d have real conversations with me and would give me responsibilities. The fact that he trusted me gave me confidence in my own abilities. He always built up my confidence and showed me the utmost respect. Rudy always made me feel intelligent and beautiful.

Jr was my best friend and ensured I enjoyed my childhood. Jr taught me how to ride a bike, he played with me, teased me and gave me wedgies and wet willies. He protected my childhood and innocence and encouraged me to dream and then dream bigger and then pursue those dreams. He believed in me and taught me how to believe in myself. He taught me art, music and culture. Jr taught me being different was way cooler than trying to mold myself into what others wanted me to be. Through Jr I learned to be myself, value creativity and be supportive.

I wanna toss my mom in here just because I'm feeling grateful. That woman has taught me laughter and unconditional love. She's been my parent, sister, daughter. She told me to never depend on a man. To get an education and when I'm done learn more and after that keep learning.
I want to note that not one of these four men is my biological father but they all took part in raising me and helping me become the woman I am today. Any success I have was a collaborate effort of my whole family. I value each and every one of them for the best parts of me came from them. My family is flawed and unhealthy but I love the person I am today and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I love my life, it's been interesting. I love my family... we're definitely a psychiatrist's wet dream.  

Stop being such a b...


Holy shit! Girls can be so fucking mean, especially these little girls growing up now. These little c words go around swearing they're the sexiest things alive and being bullies and talking shit about everyone. I'm worried for our fucking country. That generation is so inconsiderate and emotionally retarded I don't know how they'll ever manage to function as real adults. Most people I know under the age 29 do not know what the fuck to do with their lives. What the fuck? How is that possible. The twins are going to be 21 and the two of them are working bullshit jobs, taking bullshit classes here and there and making shitty ass decisions left and right all while taking zero accountability for any of it! They're girlfriends are so two faced it's sad but it's not their fault, all of them are like this! This is why I want to work with children. To help them before they become impotent adults. I'm not being judgmental, I'm relaying what I observe. (Oh and by the way, the fact that they are incapable of communicating is hilarious to me. This is the generation of "OMG TTYL LMAO" and we wonder why they can't express they're feelings in a articulate mature mannar? They don't even fucking know how to talk to each other over the phone! There's a complete void of interpersonal interaction!)

I wish they could think about someone besides themselves for just a moment. How about instead of tossing emotional poison by calling someone fat or ugly or stupid they instead recognize that all that shit is from their own goddamn insecurities. If anyone ever tries to insult me I laugh in their face. Nothing they say will hurt me, I'm just sad they're so disrespectful and carry so much anger in their hearts. I don't disrespect people. I've gone above and beyond to be honest and open and kind and loving and every other good thing with everyone I encounter even people who are difficult to like because I try to perceive God in everyone. If we're supposed to love God, and God is everything then God is in you and God is in me. So I love you. Even if you're being a cunt. (I'm not really that religious I use it more as a moral guide of the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect no mater who they are.)

Being compassionate is not a weakness it's of my greatest strength. I have the ability to empathize with anyone. But when I'm being disrespected I see red. When people attempt to insult me they go first for my weight. It's catty and mean and it's a trigger of mine considering people were extremely hurtful in the past about my weight. Now that I'm a healthier person it only takes me about a minute or two to calm down. I'm beautiful, desirable and sexy. I went out last night and all this weight got asked for her number a four times (not that I gave it out) and I was in workout clothes with no make up on. I'm educated, ambitious, intelligent, funny, mature, kind, compassionate, dedicated, and the list fucking goes on because I'm so fucking awesome.

I'm not justifying myself to anyone. I just hate when women attack one another. For what? A person who is using both of them because he can't figure out if he's ready to be a man or whatever.

I have no expectations. I live my life day by day because who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I spread love and laughter. I'm not a little girl. I'm actually quite clever so when people communicate what's going on I'm able to understand it better. I'm not competing with anyone. This is my life, not a game show. I'm a woman, not a cast member. I fucking HATE drama. I'm friends with absolutely everyone because I hold no grudges.

I suddenly don't believe in karma. I think we give ourselves what we think we deserve in this life. I deserve more than to be treated poorly, that's why I'm getting my doctrine, losing weight, building my career, getting my own place. Because I and my future family deserve the best. If you've given up on yourself you make decisions like you've given up on yourself. Such as eating until you're 300lbs or not going for that job you're actually qualified for.

"Patience" is usually always a good answer to pretty much any question. It's as if we instinctively know our time on this earth is limited with how impatient we are. We're enabling entire generations of having under developed frontal lobes which lead to poorer decision making skills and zero patience. Everything is instant gratification. You can look up anything that pops up in your head from the palm of your hand 24/7. Before we have time to process anything our fingers are already posting venom on social media. I refuse to continue a cycle of hate but I also will not be disrespected. If people have issues with me it would save a lot of drama and silliness to just directly confront me. I'm a chill, kind, reasonable person.

"When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. When ever, be kind." Cory Booker is the man. Wise words I live by. I would encourage all of humanity to try it.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Secret is Love and Support

I'm a healthy individual, far from perfect but healthy. I've learned not to take anything personally. Even my thoughts don't really matter unless I want to listen to them- I don't need to believe every single thing that pops into my head. I live my life being kind and loving (especially to myself) because letting people know they are loved makes me happy. 

Sometimes people question my motives or reject my niceties which is completely within their right. But I'm not a doormat, if I'm being treated a way I don't appreciate I will say something, always keeping kindness and respect in the forefront of my mind. I read this book which says to imagine everyone as a mirror. Treat them with the same love and respect you treat yourself. When others are unkind it makes me sad. Not because they're being rude to me, as a nurse plenty of people are ungrateful and rude, it makes me sad because I'm very familiar with that internal turmoil that lashes out at unexpected moments. But it's easy to forget who I used to be. 

Earlier, I said something inconsiderate to someone I care about. I said something like, "Wouldn't it be easier just to communicate how you're feeling?" Their response was an incredulous, "No." It isn't easier because that's not what they are used to, perhaps they don't even know how. I feel like a jerk for being inadvertently inconsiderate. Ask someone who recently lost 100lbs what they did and they say something like, "Easy! I just lowered my calorie intake and exercised more!" Yeah, duh. Everything is easier said than done. It took me 6 months of hard work to get to the point I am today. Before that my emotions completely ruled my life. I couldn't get out of bed some days I was so depressed. I could be snippy, nasty, moody. It's easy to forget how not that long ago I didn't know how to communicate how I felt either. Asking someone else, who is used to keeping everything in, to express everything their feeling is overwhelming. Getting healthy is hard. Time and time again I felt like I was doing it wrong, as if I would never get it right. It took lots of patience and practice.

When I was assaulted in November I became so hostile with my friends. Two of them were with me that night but they were so into one another it didn't cross their minds to question when they saw their friend enter my room and close the door behind himself. I didn't blame them, I still don't. I thought Danny was a super chill, nice kid. He was quiet, polite, funny. I honestly and wholeheartedly wouldn't have questioned it either because I really thought he was my friend. However, logic only took me so far; I still felt resentful. I started being hurtful and eventually stopped talking to my friends. Not because I didn't love them anymore but because I couldn't handle it. They were a reminder of that night and watching them continuing their lives happily was way more than I could handle. After I pushed all my friends away with my impossible depression, anxiety and PTSD I was all like, "Wah, everyone abandoned me." No bitch, you pushed them away with your erratic, hostile behavior. 

"You don't know how I feel!" became the my anthem. It is true, they did not. But I'm sure they would have been willing to listen to it even if they couldn't do anything for me. I would have given anything to make anyone take away my pain but what I realized is that's no one's job but my own. My family became my life raft; their love and support kept me afloat. A week after it happened I was having such terrible panic attacks I could barely leave the house. Sitting outside the gynecologists office alone before I was to be tested is when I finally broke down. I called my brother Danny. In between sobs I told him what happened. I told him I couldn't function anymore, I told him I was scared and sad and I felt like I was rotting from the inside. He cried with me. I asked him to keep it a secret. He promised. 
Later that day or possibly the next I had to take my mother to get an MRI. On the drive home she was staring at me as I drove. 
"Something's wrong," she said. 
"I dunno," I responded my heart beating so hard I felt my shirt moving. She kept telling me to tell her what was wrong but it became nearly impossible to speak. "Leave it alone." 
She became quiet for about 30 seconds, I could tell she was concentrating hard, then asked quietly, "Did someone hurt you?" 
I let out a sigh of resignation. I nodded. 
"Did they hit you?" 
I shook my head, rolling my eyes and giving unnecessary attitude. 
"Did someone take advantage of you? Were you raped?" she whispered, the dread palpable.       
"If I answer will you promise to stop asking stupid questions and driving me crazy?!" 
"Okay. Yes."
"Yes, I was raped."
"By who?"
"You JUST promised not to ask anymore fucking questions."
We drove in silence for a few minutes. My mother grabbed my hand and said she was sorry that happened to me. She confided in me a time someone tried to force sex on her. "It happens to a lot of girls. You are good and beautiful and kind. People take advantage of that. You are also strong and brave and intelligent. I promise you we'll get through this." We cried and I apologized for being nasty, I didn't mean to be. I now know I was afraid of what her reaction was going to be so I was using anger as a barrier.
When my dad found out I thought he was going to yell at me, disown me, call me a slut. Instead he held me tight and said, "It's gonna be okay." 
I was so taken aback I blurted out, "You don't find me disgusting?" My dad's face hardened with rage.
"Never think that! Never! That pig, that animal- he's disgusting! The world is full of snakes just like him. Don't let him take anything away from you. You were Tania before you are Tania right now. Nothing is different."

With the help of my whole family I was able to get through one of the most difficult things which has happened to me. Alec would let me cry on his lap as he played with my hair. He tried to make me laugh by acting out a play by play of how he would "wreck that dude" if I gave him the Okay. He motivated me to work out and taught me self defense. "No dude has the right to put their hand on you, not for sex or to hurt you or at all, if you don't say it's okay. This is a pattern now, Tania. Stop being a fucking idiot and letting people hurt you! Now... try to punch me in the face." 

Getting to where I am today was hard. I put in the hard work, I got myself the therapy and medication I needed, I helped myself. But having the love and support of the people I loved is what motivated me to be better. The morning before I told my family, I was in the shower. As I closed my eyes and allowed the water to cascade down my face, a vision popped into my head. It was a nice summer day- I was with friends, laughing and all of a sudden I grabbed a bottle of Patron, poured it over my head and lit a match. That vision will always stay with me. It terrified me but instead of listening to my negative thoughts I reached out and asked the people I loved for help and they were there for me. 

I understand and value the importance of a good support system. Having Derek and his family's support during nursing school motivated me to get straight As and try my best. Having my family's love and support after November is what got me through these last few months. Listening to people's encouragement and allowing myself to really bathe in their love helped me find the strength to get back up and keep moving. It's not about depending on people. No one besides myself fixed my problems but being around people who loved me made facing and eventually overcoming the pain a lot less scary.