Saturday, June 29, 2013

I need a vacation

My day wasn't all that terrible but I can't help but wish the earth would swallow me whole. I was sent out to do a special kind of wound care I only seen done once when I was in nursing school. I sent out various emails saying that I was willing to do it but that I had never done it before and if anyone was available to walk me through it. No one ever got back to me. I sent a few more emails this morning, nothing. I'm not going to continue to complain but I'm upset because it wasn't a simple procedure. This apartment was cluttered to the max and was 90 degrees with no a/c. Then I had to slowly and as gently as possible peel this super adhesive dressing off this poor girl's skin (imagine pulling off a bandaid the size of a textbook only 20 times more adhesive). The child was so brave and was screaming bloody murder while I was peeling it off. Complete the dressing change and the machine she's attached to won't stop beeping. Finally I get it to stop, I leave and then an hour later when I'm about to be home her mother calls me saying it won't stop beeping. I call my supervisor who transfers me to another supervisor who says, "What the hell do you want me to do?" who then does nothing. Meanwhile this mother is blowing my fucking phone up and no one is getting back to me.

I ASKED FOR HELP! I don't fucking do that very often. Instead of getting help I put this little girl through an excruciating dressing change which will have to be taken off and done again because no one fucking listened to my request. I feel incompetent but more than anything I feel angry. I know my limitations, I expressed my limitations and now an innocent child suffers because no one else fucking cares. I feel so bad.

I will learn from this and if I have to go back I will but I just feel like it's really fucked up. Everyone is telling me to relax (including my boss) but I didn't come into nursing to hurt people unnecessarily.

I feel as hard as I'm trying life is a constant test. I have been in an awful mood since I got home. I've cried and complained and gotten angry and annoyed. I went out before for a little bit only to turn right around because I just wanted to run people over and yell at them.

I feel like I'm more than willing to be there for people and love people and help people but I don't get that shit in return. After feeling so upset with work I just wanted someone to cheer me up for a little. My disappointment at the fact that no one was around only intensified my awful mood. I'm sure it's a life lesson in disguise as I yelled at Linus to self-soothe again. I'm just so willing to be there and love people. People suck.

I wish on stars every night. I pray, I serve, I love and love and love some more. I work fucking hard. I love fucking hard. When someone's having a tough time I'm sure to let them know if they need a friend I'm here. But the second I need a friend?...

Being the change you want to see in the world is lonely.

I'm sitting here crying like a little girl. I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why do I expect so much? Jesus. Today just enforces the fact that I need a vacation. I have been working really hard. I have gone through a lot. I deserve some time away to clear my fucking head. I'm going to get all my patients in order so that I can dump them on someone else and disappear for a week. If no one wants to come with me then screw it, I'll go away alone. Maybe it sounds lonely but it won't be. I'm fun, even by myself.

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