Wednesday, June 19, 2013

All Things Grow with Love

I'm having a rough day. I have to call my dr and make an appt because I've been feeling extra drained and emotional and it probably has to do with the fact that my period decided to chill with me 3 different times in the last month including currently. Its stupid though because they'll probably just relate it to stress. I got plenty of that shit.
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.

What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.

And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.

I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.

To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
the end.

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