Monday, June 24, 2013

Patience and Practice and Practice and Patience

Some days it's harder to be happy. Today I woke up with a moderate amount of anxiety. I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else but it's like waking up from a nightmare except I didn't have a nightmare, I'm just panicking on autopilot. That immediately annoyed me, "Seriously? Starting the day at the bottom of the mountain? Sweet." I go on social media, get more annoyed... My morning was full of me just being really annoyed at everything; my brother, the weather. I went to get lunch in hillsborough and got stuck between a super waspy couple in their mid 20's in front of me and a waspy wealthy father and "adult" son (seriously they were wearing pastel shorts and boat shoes). Between the two conversations I thought my eyes were going to fall out from rolling. The couple in front of me was just nauseatingly in love. The bitch would not stop talking, like her mouth didn't shut once. The chick was a ballet instructor and was saying she charges the little girls 65 bucks a class and was saying how that was actually cheap.  In my head all I can think is how much milk that would by one of my families in Newark. Then the father son behind me made me want to slap them both. From what I eavesdropped the dad (who looked like a judge or someone super important) was going away on vacation and he was leaving his "adult" son the house while he was away. Literally what I heard.

"Do you need a refresher course on mowing the lawn?"asked the dad.
"Nah, not much to it, just don't put your hand in it. Ugh... do you like... bag it? Because that's super annoying and I'm not gonna do it."
"Yeah I bag it but it's okay if you don't want to."
"Cool. And like, can you make sure the air conditioner's on the whole time because last time when I did this it was soooo hot and it took like forever to get cool, like it was super annoying and not worth it."
"Yeah sure... Just call Jen a little before you go and she'll run over and turn it on."
"Well you can do that, I'll text you and then you make sure Jen knows."
"Yeah, okay, I will."
"Kay, cool. I'm gonna have a bunch of people coming."

And then I had to go to a happy place before I had an aneurysm. I just wanted to look at the dude and be like, "Where are your balls?" Being a good parent isn't saying yes all the time. It's treating your kid with respect and kindness and demanding the same in return. Treat people the way you want to be treated... but if they refuse to treat you back in return there's nothing that says that person has to be in your life. 

When I got home Linus (my dog) was being super annoying. I just wanted to eat my food in peace and he kept wanting attention so then I went into the other room. He would not stop scratching and crying. I got up went out and yelled at him. "Linus! Shut up! Go play! Do your own thing! Self soothe, dammit! Stop being so needy!" When I closed the door behind me I started chuckling. Don Miguel Ruiz is a fucking genius. He talks about verbal/emotional poison. Don't take anything personally. It's super true. 

It may seem silly but I blew up at my dog because I woke up frustrated with myself. I woke up to a panic attack and that shit is discouraging. On days like today my main focus isn't trying to make the best out of the day, as soon as I opened my eyes I had to do damage control. My anxiety dissipated because I angrily said to myself, "There's nothing fucking going on to make you anxious you stupid bitch. Calm the fuck down!" But I was angry with my body. Angry because I'm working so fucking hard and somedays just are a little more challenging then others but I don't need to succumb to the frustration. Linus just wanted my love and attention. I could have just been patient and let him sit by me as I ate my lunch but I was angry and in no mood to be patient and understanding. 

When I realized what I was doing I opened the door and let him in. He kissed my hands and face and was crying trying to cuddle me. I apologized and cuddled him for a couple of minutes. Currently he's snuggle up next to me napping. He just wanted my love and I was in too bad a mood to give it. I'm frustrated with myself because now that I've had this very enlightening weekend of spiritual and emotional revelation I realize all the things I'm doing wrong and what I need to change. I woke up panicked because it's Monday which means I really have to start this life for real. No more half assing it. I know better. When you know better you must do better. I'm scared. And exhausted just thinking about everything I have to change and overcome. 

It's just practice. I feel fine now because I recognized what was really bothering me. There was a time not to long ago where I would have let my bad day escalate to an overwhelming proportion. Now I nip it in the butt. Eventually being a well oiled machine will be second nature. Like everything else it just takes practice, patience and love. I am undergoing a terrifying transition but I'll be okay... it's all for the best. When things seem overwhelming just be patient and keep doing what you have to do to make it better. The work you put into being who you want to be is never wasted energy. 

"It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little. Do what you can." Sydney Smith

Today started off challenging and I don't feel like giving 100%. But that doesn't mean I give up on today and give zero. Always do your best. Today my best will be being patient with myself, giving love and being productive after I take an afternoon nap on my day off. 

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