The aftermath of our collision has hurt a lot of people. For that I'm not proud. I never wanted or want to hurt anyone. I want to heal the world with kindness and love but I take accountability that my actions and behaviors have hurt people. I hope the girls who loved him and I possibly screwed over understand that I never meant to hurt them. To my ex I want him to know that I truly did love him. He was not a rebound or filler. Life is just weird and falls together randomly and chaotically sometimes. I didn't meet Derek for coffee expecting to fall back in love with him. I liked him as a person and wanted to be his friend. I truly thought my feelings were gone.
My friend Carmen says this thing in spanish, "Donde hubo fuego, cenizas quedan." (I think that totally might be my first tattoo...) translating to "where there was fire, ashes remain," an idiom which means where there was love, feelings remain. There was a lot of fucking love between him and myself. Five years we loved each other.
I laugh thinking back. October 12th, 2005, during work I mustered up the courage to finally tell him how I felt after a couple of months of flirting. 17 year old me had black thick framed glasses (before they were cool) frizzy curly black hair and I had zero idea how to wear make up. I wore ladybug shoes and had pins and buttons on my bags. My nose was always in a book as if I needed anything else to help me scream, "NERD!" During our shift he and I bumped into each other in the back. He stopped me, joked about something, I giggled and he hugged me. Terry the supervisor walked in on us and Derek blurted out, "She's upset... our street is flooding... I was comforting her." I'm laughing now thinking about it. After work we talked in his car, both our cheeks burning so hot we fogged up the windows. I told him I liked him, "I'm an asshole... I'm gonna be a horrible boyfriend," he told me point blank. "Isn't that for me to decide?" He was both an asshole and a shitty boyfriend, lol, but he was an amazing person and I loved who I knew he could be.
We made each other better. I lost weight and got straight A's. He went back to school and did the same. We were dedicated well oiled machines, but immature. Our love inspired us to be better but I unfortunately didn't have the tools to do it healthily. I was so incredibly self destructive; it lead to my attempted suicide. He dated someone young... We were young. Young people are reckless. Reckless people make mistakes. But you can't fuck with true love, ever watch Princess Bride? True love is some serious shit. I can attest to that.
Talking to him now he says confidently that he is a kind, considerate, good person and he is, and I always knew he could be. He says, "I'm a good, supportive, loving boyfriend if I'm not with someone volatile," which is the complete opposite of what 19 year old Derek said. He is not the gangly, long haired punkass of 8 years ago. I am not the super naive, self deprecating nerd. He is a good man. I am a good woman. Everything we went through- the shit talking, the pain, the anger- we had to go through to get to be who we are right now. If you don't get it, I'm sorry. Just give it time... or don't. It's not going to change anything; forces of nature and whatnot.
I just want anyone who got hurt because of me to know that I am truly sorry, it was never my intention. I hope your pain alleviates. Our time on this planet is too limited to get hung up. I know death could knock on my door at any moment. I want to be truly happy until the day I take my last breath. With him I'm happy.
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