Annnnnd... there it is. I've reached the point of indifference. I decided to stop having expectations. I just want to be happy and have fun and if I'm causing someone else and myself stress and discomfort, well, that's not fun.
I'm not sure what it is about me that's so willing to put myself out there. Fear? Insecurity? I have no idea. I used to think I was brave for being so open to love but sometimes I think I just may be a fool. I'm not feeling sorry for myself just weary of the world. The people of the world are unforgiving, jaded. In the book The Four Agreements it talks about children and how they are so happy and free. That is what I'm trying to attain- happiness and freedom. My goal in life is to improve growing up for the children of the world and reduce mental illness by encouraging love, compassion and understanding. Children don't lie, they love without restraint, they cry when they get hurt, they throw tantrums when angry. They're these little primitive bundles of adorableness and it's our responsibility to show them how to live a healthy life and be kind and loving and compassionate and forgiving. Those qualities enable personal growth and reduce mental illness. A child who is taught love and compassion will have the tools to be loving and compassionate with themselves. ...Yeah, I'm gonna be in school forever. I wonder if I'll write books...
Anyway. Rule number 3 in the book by Don Miguel Ruiz is don't make assumptions. Today while driving an entire scenario full of steaminess and evil cackles floated through my head. That was my mind filling the space of an unanswered question. What my mind came up with was nasty and painful. I decided to not leave the question unanswered but by asking the question I caused more harm. My assumption caused me anxiety so I asked a question but the question, which relieved my anxiety, caused him anxiety. All this confusion lead me to my conclusion. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Let the motherfucking chips fall wherever they motherfucking may.
Tania! Listen! You. Can't. Control. Outcomes. So. Fuck. Off.
I had a conversation with God today. I told him he wins, I give up trying to smoosh my life together like a toddler attempting to make two puzzles pieces that don't match fit together. I'm that kid. The kid who sucks at giving up and letting go. I don't mean in the sense of walking away I mean in the sense of giving up and letting go of control. It's an illusion. I control nothing, not even my mind. Because if I did control my mind nasty hurtiness wouldn't have popped into my head. And the fact that it hurts is stupid. No one is harming you dummy.
Just because you can offer all the love in the world doesn't mean people can handle all that shit at once, bitch. On a daily basis you accept people for exactly who they are because of your profession and because you want to treat people with kindness and dignity. No one else in the whole wide world is you dummy. Go at their pace. You're so friggen eager to care about people it freaks them out.
So yeah. Just gonna let people breathe for a bit.