Monday, June 24, 2013

Give Thanks

I'm laying around staring at the walls. I feel an immense amount of gratitude. Gratitude for everything I've experienced. If I didn't have to experience hardship and pain and overcome obstacles- if I didn't have to pull myself up from the pits of despair I would never be able to appreciate how good life can be. I am so grateful for Linus. I know he's a dog but seriously he's shown me pure love. Love with no judgement or anger or resentment. He's taught me what it feels like to be in charge of someone's well-being. Today I had a rough day and he spent the whole time trying to cheer me up or cuddled next to me. All he wants to give me is love, all he wants in return is love... and food. 

I'm grateful for my parents because they really did want more for me and they tried to give me a better life than the life they had. They also showed me what unhealthy parenting is and helped me learn from their mistakes. I'm grateful that now that I'm older they listen to me and recognize me as an individual. Earlier my mom asked me how I was doing and I told her how my day started with a panic attack and how I had to make it go away. "And how'd you do that?" She asked it so genuinely it made me smile. I explained how I talk to myself and tell myself that no one is chasing me, my world isn't collapsing and that whatever is happening to me I have no control over it but there's no need to worry or be afraid. Bringing myself to the actual situation usually stops the palpitations then I can figure out where the anxiety is coming from after that. 

I'm grateful for my brothers... I have always watched them makes mistakes and have learned through them. Maybe that's bitchy but they have helped me grow positively. They always have my back and are equally messed up so I know it was our parents fault and not that I'm crazy, haha. I'm grateful for our close relationships. We've fought, I've hit them, they've called me names but we loved each other unconditionally. It's taught me a lot and as I'm learning I talk to them. Today I talked to Jr about a dude who was abused and is now hurting himself by drinking and using drugs. "That's still better than hurting other people." There was a hint of defense in his voice. I told him that just because you can't see the bruises doesn't mean you don't hurt people. "Your bad decisions don't affect me." I smirked. 
"How did you feel when I tried to kill myself? Did it hurt you?"
"What? Did it hurt me? It was fucked up!"
"You would have been really hurt if I died right? My self destruction hurt everyone I loved. Just not on the outside."

I'm grateful for Derek. I've learned real unconditional love and forgiveness. Having him back in my life has transformed me as a person. Forgiving what we put each other through and becoming friends has been one of the greatest life lessons I've ever learned. If you truly love someone it doesn't matter if they can love you back, you let them know because it the truth. Because if you truly love someone you want them to feel loved always. I've learned that loving someone isn't saying those words, it's consistency and actions and kindness and hope.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
My love for him has made me really uncover my demons because I want to be healthy, I never want to push him away again. Because of what we've went through I've learned that my actions have consequences and just because people act like they don't care it doesn't mean you can hurt them to force a reaction out of them. Just because they act like they don't care doesn't mean they don't care. 

Something about Derek has always made me want to put my words into actions. I said I was going to get straight A's in nursing school and with him by my side I did it. I wanted to be thin, with him in my life I was. I loved him so much I wanted to be better. Before I knew how to be healthy I needed him to be that person, now I just am that person. I can't deny there's something about him. I saw him briefly on Sunday. I had to consciously take a step back and breathe when he said hi, my whole body was like, "HUG HIM LIKE YOU'RE A KOALA BEAR!!!" but I didn't because I have to respect that he may not want that. I'm allowing life to take me where it wants to instead of trying to steer. Love is just being... and letting the other person be as well.   

Thank you life, you are an amazing teacher. 

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