I'm really proud of myself. For the first time in my life I am putting myself and what I want first, in a positive way. Since October I have achieved unprecedented personal and spiritual growth and maturity. When people put up boundaries I acknowledge and respect them. I take nothing personally and try not to let the little things penetrate into my mind and ruin my day.
This may look like I'm verbally fallatio-ing myself but I honestly am in need of the encouragement. In another time I would be getting angry or frustrated or anxious but now I realize there's nothing to worry about because no matter how much I worry and hurt over it, it's not going to change the outcome. Recognizing that has helped tremendously.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I wake up with panic in my heart. I browse through social media searching for evidence, I sit quietly and worry and then I catch myself. I treat myself like I would a patient. With compassion and understanding and then I help myself through the discomfort without the need to lash out anymore. I know that eventually the discomfort will dissipate because this new lifestyle will be a habit. I have been tested over and over again and I know now how to manage myself.
I was told yesterday that people (who used to be my friends) talk about me being crazy. I felt indignant for a moment and then I asked if it was true. Yeah, it was. I was having a mental breakdown and I had just been assaulted. I was crazy. I knew I was. That's why I took a month off from work and was in intense therapy 4 days a week. Most days I didn't have enough energy to shower or eat. Sometimes all I wanted to do was cry but I didn't even have to energy to express how miserable I was. My life collapsed. I hit rock bottom and got to a point in my life where I knew I had to stop punishing myself.
So fuck yeah I'm proud of myself. I may have been crazy but I'm now a better person than some individuals even know is possible. I'm not bragging that I'm altruistic, no, I'm saying I wanted to be this way and I made it happen. I wanted to be a good kind person and I fucking did it. So people can say I was crazy, I was. But how bout you spend a minute in my tiny shoes and realize all the bullshit I was put through. Of course I was mentally ill, but so was everyone else around me. It's the degree by which you hide it. I have never been good at hiding my feelings.
My mom had a mental breakdown. I remember now. She also chopped off all her hair and started smoking cigarettes, and she even took a bottle of pills..............
Fuck. All my craziness was a reflection of what I saw as a kid. What. the. fuck. Holy poo I can't wait to get more in depth in childhood development. Like seriously those behaviors were engraved in my mind and I subconsciously acted out in similar ways I witnessed my mother act out when I was a child. We are taught how to act; we are taught what is acceptable. But we can rewire the system. You can accept their truth or you can realize that their truth hurt the shit out of you and you make your own truth.
Nursing saved my life. I am so grateful to the profession. It has kept me educated, accountable and grounded. It has also taught me tolerance, humor and kindness. If I didn't know so much about the brain, mental illness and therapeutic communication I would have never known I was acting inappropriately. Pediatric nursing has made me ask questions about family and parenting and therefore how my own parents parented. I have learned about attachment and bonding and I teach parents how to parent now. I recognize what my parents did wrong. I forgive them for it and then I rewire the action or thought process.
I'm so grateful for everything I have been through. Even the worst parts. Without every experience I wouldn't be the person I am today and I love the person I am today. Each experience was like working out. It was hard and your muscles are in pain, maybe for days at a time but the pain means your growing. The pain means you're getting stronger. I am so strong. And kind and loving and good...
And messy (just looked around my room) gonna cut this rant "short" and do chores, lol. Have a wonderful day/night!