I was having a bit of a block lately when it came to writing. I think it's because I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated with the fact that I wasn't doing more. I knew exactly what I needed to do but I hadn't been doing it. When Derek came back into my life I shut down a little. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, I needed to shut down. I needed to confront all my issues head on and deal with them because if I didn't then I would never be healthy enough to have him in my life. Because I spent the last month submerged in self discovery I fell behind on a lot of things. This week has been really difficult because I've been really scared. I'm terrified of what being functional is like. I'm terrified of not just failing but succeeding too. I'm so scared. This morning I woke up relatively early and although I really wanted to go back to sleep I got up and started my day. I packed up my charts, my laundry and my Linus and went to my parents. I did my laundry and charted while my dad took care of hanging out with Linus. I got work done, I ran errands. It was a GOOD day.
I went to dinner with one of my close friends. I haven't seen her in over a month and she stopped texting me so I figured I hurt her feelings by disappearing for the last month and a half or so. I text her earlier in the week when she posted yet another outing that she didn't invite me to. I told her I wish she had told me she was going to the beach because I would have gone. She said she wasn't going to keep inviting me to things just to be rejected. She's cute. I apologized for disappearing the last few weeks and that I missed her and loved her. I explained that I had a lot to go through and I needed to go through it alone. "But you always help me through my stuff! It's not fair that you won't let me help." I don't know many people who would get upset for not being allowed to help and that's why she's so awesome. I waited for her to reach out and she did. This being patient thing actually works. Go figure.
Part of me is still disappointed with myself for not doing more today. But then the kinder, smarter part of myself reminds that other part that today I did more than I did yesterday and maybe tomorrow I'll do more than I did today. I need to be patient with myself and enjoy the little victories. You had a really functional day, Tania! And you were mentally kinda functional too. You were able to put the two together for the first time in your life. That's a big deal! Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, dummy! :)