So things have been... Stressful. Apartment shopping is as fun as... I can't think of a frustrating enough analogy because my head hurts from the massive tension headache I'm currently sporting. It blows. Sweet baby Jesus, please give me the patience to find the most adorable apartment at a reasonable price in this area. Pretty please.
The thought crosses my mind about how many people are judging me right now. My boo was a bit of a heartbreaker this last year, from what I understand, haha. I oddly like it. Don't get me wrong there's this little toddler voice of indignation who screams, "MINE!!!" if I think about other girls desiring him but the irrationality of the thought makes me smile. I like being each other's first loves but the fact that we lived entire lives (3ish years) without each other and then came back into one another's lives is fascinating. I'm not proud that he and I have broken hearts along our journey (not a humble brag, just the truth), I actually feel bad about it, but taking everyone's feelings out of context it's a little bit amusing. I'm sure I'm being judged on my appearance, my weight, my past, my ethnicity, you name it. I don't really care- haters are gonna hate. What's important is that he and I care for each other. No one's hate can take that away, believe me, it's been attempted.
I can confidently say Derek is who I want. When I was 21 I knew he was who I wanted but he was also a bully- moody, rude, hurtful- and I couldn't handle being mistreated anymore from anyone. I bottled it in until I finally broke his heart back. We needed to go our separate ways to grow and learn how to treat each other better. It's funny... talking about it we've said how extreme in different directions we went. I became this sweet, flowery, compassionate, wannabe superhero trying to save the world one heart at a time. He become a zen, somewhat apathetic loner who cares about his own happiness and sanity first and foremost. I don't think either is bad, just extreme. I'm hoping we bring all of ourselves to the table, and piece together a happy balance from learning from the other. I love having my own personality and I love his personality as well. We both have strengths and weaknesses. I'm just hoping to strengthen my weaknesses by following his example and vice versa. In a perfect world...
Last night I realized how much stock I've been taking in trying to make EVERYONE happy. Really all I want to do is focus on making him and myself happy. It's not my job to convince people I'm making the right decision, I just have to feel comfortable in my own decision.
I was talking to a friend about my concerns with the rate things are moving. Her response, "The beginning of most relationships are allotted for getting to know one another- favorite things, secrets, taste in movies/music, sexual preferences, what they envision for their future... You two already did all of that. This second beginning is more about the two of you learning to be healthy, supportive partners, friends and lovers. You already know what the other likes and dislikes for the most part. You know each other's back stories and families. Now it's just being patient, understanding with one another to build on an existing foundation." The response calmed me but I really need to stop thinking and just enjoy things for what they are right now.
And I should probably putting my business out here. Haters gonna hate but I'm probably giving them ammo. Shrug...
No comments:
Post a Comment