I had an amazing day. I find myself entertaining. I don't know if that makes me crazy but I am always laughing at the silliness that goes through my head. I have a lot of time to think when I'm working seeing as I drive anywhere from 80 to 150 miles during a shift. It used to kill me because my head used to be full of negative thoughts but now it's full of ideas and dreams and aspirations and questions. It's terrifying but really entertaining for the most part. I love being silly. I love not caring what other people think about me anymore. I love not being afraid of life... Like yeah of course it's scary and unpredictable but I know that nothing is the end of the world. Even the end of the world isn't the end of the world because I'm not afraid anymore.
I control nothing outside of myself. Hell I don't even control anything within myself. The only thing I can control is my perspective by making the best choice with the options I'm given. I was talking before with my mother about all the exciting stuff going on in my mind. I talked to her about my future and how I think I may be crazy.
"It started with Instagram. I was scrolling and an old friend posted a video of her 2 year old counting and singing. Watching it was like getting kicked in the stomach," when I said this my mother sucked her teeth, "just listen. Then I mosey on over to Facebook and another friend threw a ninja turtle themed birthday party for her son, and then I felt a lump in my throat." My mother rolled her eyes at this.
"Ay, Tannie. How many times do I have to tell you..."
"I'm not done. So the way I felt wasn't jealousy or like I needed it to happen right away... It was a feeling of anticipation. More like, 'I want that so bad!!! I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen!' If I want to be an amazing parent then I need to prepare myself so that none of my issues affect my children. I want to be as healthy as possible, I want to have my career in motion, have the ability to have good relationships, have stability and calm in my life. I want to be my best so that I can give my children the absolute best."
As I was talking she looked antsy like she was waiting for her turn to talk. When I had stopped talking for a sufficient amount of time she blurted out, "But where is God? You say you want, you want but where is God?"
"...What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry... I'm frustrated because you aren't listening. Where is God?! Everywhere! In everyone. He is in you and in me and in everything. Do you even know me? You're so frustrated by the fact that I don't go to church that you're missing the big picture. I treat everyone and everything with understanding, compassion, patience, love and respect..."
"Yes, yes I know, you're a nurse-"
"No! Not just as a nurse. I am this person all the time. This doesn't shut off. I live my life treating everyone with compassion, love, understanding-"
"I know, I know."
"Obviously you don't and I don't care how many times I have to repeat it as long as it eventually sticks in your head and you understand it. I always try my best. I interpret the Bible differently than you but I have the same values and morals as you do-"
"I know you're a good person, I'm not saying you're a bad person."
"Stop! Stop thinking about what you think I mean and listen to my words-pay attention to my actions. You're so busy trying to make a point you're missing the big picture and at the end of the day the big picture is all that matters. I do more good that most people who go to church every Sunday... So please, spare me from trying to convince me how terrible it is that I don't go to church. I am grateful every minute of every day. I don't need to block out an hour to listen to some idiot tell me what he thinks my God has to say to me. I know my mission in life."
She stayed quiet. I teased her about something to let her know I wasn't upset, she joked back. As I left my mother gave me a kiss and a big hug. 20 minutes later she called and said she wanted me to know she thought I was completely right. "Getting frustrated because you don't go to church is silly. People go to church to figure out how to live the way that you already do. I'm sorry I wasn't listening and didn't let you talk." With patience and kindness people can learn. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer for him to do it.
I was talking to Eddie about my (nonexistent) love life before (today was full of a lot of revelations and deep talks). I love talking to Eddie. He's an amazing listener, funny and he is extremely open to my ideas. He encourages me and makes me feel important. I wish he and my brother would adopt a baby. They would be amazing parents. So he asked how things were going with the man and I told him that things are going great which is the truth. I explained to Eddie that I'm so happy to be friends with Derek. I love him very much. After everything we've been through I feel like it proves we really enjoy each other as people, the fact that we can just joke around and be friends. I'm glad he enjoys me as a person. That makes me feel good because I genuinely like him as well.
Eddie confided in me that he worried we were moving too fast and that I was trying to "fix" him so that I could be in a relationship again. A different Tania would have been offended but I just told Eddie that Derek's a person not a bench. And "fixing" him for selfish reasons is kinda shitty, lol.
"I hope I can always remain friends with him. I've been so motivated and have grown so much in the last month because I love him and want him in my life."
"But you should be doing that for you."
"I am doing it for me. I want him to be part of my life. I love him very much and I love our families and I hold that in my mind at all moments. All the people I hurt were all the people I loved. If I want him in my life I have to be my absolute best because I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I don't care if he marries someone else. It will hurt, but I'm not fucking ugly or stupid. I'll find someone to take care of this," he obviously chuckled, "...but I honestly see all he has to offer. I know who he really is. He's silly, kind, loving and good. He loves helping people. I want to be his best friend. I want to see him happy and succeed in life because I care about him a lot."
I truly am just a fan of life lately. I've made some true breakthroughs in the last few days. Life is full of endless possibilities. I'm excited to see where mine takes me.