Friday, June 21, 2013

What Do I Deserve?

I've spent my day reflecting upon my life and being introspective. I woke up with crippling anxiety because life is doing it's own thing and I have trouble riding out waves without feeling like panicking. I prayed this morning and meditated then took my pup outside and sat and wrote in my journal until it all made sense.

I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.

I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.

I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.

Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.

In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.

What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.

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