Thursday, June 6, 2013

My mind is free

This is probably the most creative I've been in years. I feel like a 15th century French man (it'd be cool if that was the right century I was aiming for. My history is a wee bit rusty). All smitten and idealistic and romantic. Writing poems, painting pictures, being drunk on life. Just having him in my life makes me happy. How silly and incredible is that? I work out harder and spend my days dreaming and imagining and creating. My mind is flooded with ideas! I'm not even talking romantic/relationship stuff I mean about who I want to be and what I want to do. I am feeling more and more assertive everyday. It's not for him. It's for me. I just feel so much more like me when he's in my life. Its completely bizarre. Kinda spiritual.
I'm sounding creepy. I don't worship him. It's almost as if he helps me see the true me. I am free with him and I'm not scared of becoming who I want to be. Just with talking to him and having the ability to be honest and open.
Never say never. Shit like this is why that's a saying.
I literally feel like I traveled through hell. The last few months I have completely changed. I had a rough few years. Ha. My life has been crazy. But what a fucking adventure it's been. When I'm old and wrinkly and awesome I am going to have the most AMAZING stories to tell my granddaughters as I paint with them or sun bathe or bake. If I die tomorrow I die with no regrets; only love. I am so grateful for my whole life for it has lead me to this point of complete enlightenment.

My brother was so angry before telling a story about how the neighbors talk shit about him. I sat there looking at him with a small sad smile on my face. I'm not trying to be condescending. I just can't believe how much time and energy I wasted being unhappy and mad. Who the fuck cares what they say? You're just living your life, not bothering them. They're so bored they need to talk shit to fill up their time. They are the ones being unkind, not you. I wish that filled him with comfort but it doesn't.

I used to be so afraid of death. I remember at least 3 times during my relationship with Derek where I called him or woke him up scared out of my mind just at the IDEA that one of us may die and there's nothing after. All the things I wouldn't experience. He didn't even believe in an afterlife but death didn't scare him. It took me a long time to come to grips with it. I think of it as a game now. Every day I get is a blessing, a next level to beat. Some days are harder than others but every second is a blessing. Why not spend it doing the things you love? Learning new things, being kind.

I'm gonna be a great mom one day. I'm so super excited. Everything I do... Becoming healthy, educating myself in childhood development, working with children, taking the time to build relationships with people, my profession... It is all with my future children in mind. I'm not even dating anyone, let alone married. I love my children and am sacrificing for them and they're just an idea! That is how I know I'm going to be a good mom. Because I want to teach them so much and teach them how to spread love and joy.

SEE HOW MY BRAIN WORKS? This shit is all the time. I love it, honestly. I've started writing down ideas and concepts. On top of working and looking for an apartment. Bah. Life is crazy.

I thought I might combine my love of writing with my love of nursing and start writing for nursing magazines about my views on childhood development and personal experiences and such. When I was a teenager I wanted to run my own magazine. I thought what if I actually make that happen. Nursing is becoming it's own culture filled with girls my age. Girls with ray bans, tattoos, mental illness, interest in travel and charity, etc. I wanna submit things into parenting magazines and make a name for myself, maybe conduct research. Who the fuck knows!!! I just know that all those things are possible because I am smart as fuck and ambitious and dedicated as anything. If I want something I don't sit around waiting for someone to give it to me, no I get off my ass and work for it. That is who I am. I am stubborn but I am a good person so my intentions are usually good and altruistic nowadays.
I am healing my wounds because I understand that if I want to be a parent one day my children are going to mimic my example. I want to be healthy and good because I want my children and the people around me to be healthy and good. I must lead by example and do the hard work first. I can't force them to change. I just hope I can inspire them.

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