Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."
Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.
Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.
If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.
Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.
I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.
For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...
Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.
I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.
This is my favorite monologue.
Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?
Pamela: You wanna tell me?
Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.
Pamela: You wanna tell me.
Louis: Yes. Please.
Pamela: Go ahead…
Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.
Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.
Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.
Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!
Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.
Pamela: Louie…
Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.
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