This weekend I indulged in my weakness. I don't feel guilty because I've already forgiven myself for being human but I do feel frustrated. I went against one of the rules I have set for myself and am disappointed. It's kinda like cheating on your diet. That ice cream tastes so damn good but you feel guilty as poop after you eat it. Perhaps there's a few seconds of self loathing or anger but no matter what, you have to deal with the consequence of your action- which in this metaphor/example is not looking very cute in a bikini.
I know who I am. For so long I needed people to tell me who I was. To reassure that I was beautiful... and kind and funny and intelligent, etc. I'm glad to be free of that for the most part. I still struggle to believe people won't abandon me. That has to do with trust, I guess. I don't trust that I am good enough to be loved or something like that. I'm working on it. I know the type of person I am acts only out of love. Sometimes I get carried away because I'm so willing to love and be loved. I forget that, unlike me, most people don't act like a 4 year old being offered a puppy from a man in a white van when it comes to trusting people. People are weary and mistrusting- jaded. The pain of the past crashes down on us, wave after wave when something new comes along which reminds us of a past trauma. We must always live in the present. We can't change the past, so why keep comparing the present to that memory?
I want to look at things as they are, not as I want them to be nor as they "should" be. I want to live in the moment. I want everyone I love to know I love them. I don't want to spend another moment being unkind and inconsiderate. I'm excited for this next chapter of my life. I'm ready to live up to my full potential without baggage holding me down. I must continue living a healthy lifestyle in every way and do what's best for myself because ultimately that's what's gonna be best for everyone.
In other news one of my nephews got bit by his dog today. The family is really aggressive (all 3 boys want to be MMA fighters) so I think the dogs pick that up and I know for a fact the boys fuck with him. The scientist in me was like, "Hmm. I wonder if Linus' will ever get aggressive with me." For a full hour I tested him and the nut didn't even walk away he was just super glad I was giving him so much attention. I tugged his ears, played with his tail, tried fitting his whole face in my mouth, nothing bothered this little dude. He trusts me so much that he just sits patiently as I attempt to annoy him. He knows my intention isn't to harm him, just love him and so he love and trusts me back. That's pretty friggen powerful.