Wednesday, June 26, 2013

For the betterment of tomorrow.

I'm pleased with the amount of growth that I've been doing. My life is changing at an unprecedented rate. All of this is happening because a year ago I consciously decided, "I will always learn from my mistakes." To learn from my mistakes I had to acknowledge that I made mistakes. Growing up to perfectionist parents and being instilled with that mentality was not easy. Anything not perfect is a mistake. A mistake to the a perfectionist is pretty much the end of the world. To avoid the inevitable (that whatever you do isn't going to be perfect) perfectionist procrastinate. Acknowledging that you made one mistake is difficult. Looking back on your life and recognizing you've made a lifetime of mistakes is overwhelming. But acknowledging there's a problem is the first step in recovery. You can't find a solution if you refuse to admit there's a problem. This very first step made me feel so uncomfortable. "What do you mean 'admit to messing up?' I didn't mess up! Everyone around me messed up! They treated me bad, this is their fault! I would have never thought/been/acted that way if I wasn't for him/her!"

You are in complete control of whether or not you allow your emotions get the best of you. I've been trying to think what the difference between little boys and little girls is that is really affecting the men growing up now in our society. I honestly think it's because we tell our boys, "men don't cry." Children at a young age believe everything their parents tell them. If a little boy's parents enforce "Boys don't cry, only girls do that," what are we teaching our him? That he is not allowed to express his emotions; he must hold everything in and maintain composure because that is what men do and he obviously wants to be a man. We never teach these boys a different outlet for their emotions, they just aren't allowed to express them. So they spend their youth stifling undesirable emotions and seeking distractions instead of handling things head on. "Thinking about that sad thing that happened to me makes me sad but sadness is an emotion I'm allowed to express, so instead I'll ignore my sadness with a numbing distraction." Using drugs and alcohol numbs the pain. Playing video games is safer than going outside and getting hurt. Alec said to me before, "Check out these graphics! Have you seen trees look that good?" 
"Yeah... outside." 

The other thing we tell our little boys is that they are responsible for providing for their family. They must choose something which pays really well because they are a man and they must be practical. The last guy I dated didn't quite have his shit together. He brought it up when we decided to just be friends and I responded, "Yeah, neither do I." To which he responded, "Yeah but you're going to have your shit together before me. I wasn't raised like that. I really think you're great and I like you as a person but we're in different places and it isn't something my pride will allow me to overlook." Telling little boys, "Hey, you're gonna have to be responsible for being the provider of a whole family which I'm sure is a lot of pressure because now you have to choose a career then find a job but just smoosh that anxiety and fear down deep with all the rest of your issues because you're not allowed to express your feelings anyway." The only acceptable emotions are happiness and anger. Then we wonder why men are black and white thinkers.

I helped deliver puppies last night/this morning. 9 beautiful pit bulls, the 10th unfortunately was a stillborn. 5 boys 5 girls. It was amazing and beautiful. There was a sweet sadness even holding the stillborn in my hands. Life is a miracle only some of us get to experience. Spiritual or not I think we can agree that our time in this flesh is limited. 

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about romance. She asked what I wanted romantically. "Oh... you know, just to fall in love with my best friend and have him love me back. I wanna have adventures together, get married, create a family, raise them with lots of love, make a few of our dreams come true. I hope to die old in each other's arms and get matching burial plots and tombstones." It was a joke (kinda) but it made me think about being buried. I don't think I wanna do that. I spent too much of my life tied down to one place. I think it's Louis CK who makes a joke about the fact that people who get cremated are just giving their relative another errand to do from beyond the grave. I think I would prefer cremation. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Take me out to sea and let the wind take me all over the world. I want the only evidence I existed to be in the memories of people's hearts and the deeds I completed. If I'm remembered may it be for my ideas and the love I share with others. 

I had a nice afternoon with the boy I like yesterday. I drove. Since the dawn of Benito and Chunks, Benito has always criticized Chunks' driving. He makes me nervous, I make him carsick, he complains, I get more nervous. Oh that and the fact that I have a lead foot. So yesterday he mentioned that he was carsick and I said something like, "You used to get so mad at me for my driving." He was quiet for a second then he explained that he didn't think I was a bad driver, I just drive fast so I have to brake hard and the stop and go motion makes him feel car sick. He explained that he just coasts most the time going the speed limit because he's never in a rush to go anywhere. 
I learned a good lesson a few months ago which is, if someone criticizes you, listen to what they say. If there's truth in it, change your behavior, if there's no truth then they're just hurt and dumping their poison on you. He's being truthful. I have felt that my driving can be reckless sometimes and the fact of the matter is I spent a lot more time on the road then other people. My chances of getting in an accident are higher and that does worry me. I'm a very good driver because my job depends on it but just like in the rest of my life I must try to be better and being a respectful driver is part of that. Also, if my driving makes him sick it may make other people sick as well and that's not something I want. Today while I drove I actively paid attention to my driving to change the behavior. Its funny how blind you are to something until someone else brings it to your attention. Derek helped me see a few things yesterday just being an honest friend. 

One of the many many reasons I love Derek is because he doesn't sugar coat anything. That may sounds like I'm sugar coating the fact that he's an asshole, lol, but I'm not. He isn't disrespectful he's just honest and direct, he always has been. Yesterday I made a joke about something my brother did to me. With a puzzled look he said, "You laugh things off that are really sad." It stung for a second but then I realized it was true. I love my brother but I also enable the shit out of him. Today he messed with my self improvement and it was the last straw. It's not like he hasn't don't shit to me like he pulled today before but after Derek pointed out that I shrug off a lot of things that really aren't cool I realized I needed to stand up for myself.
... It didn't go da best... It didn't go da worst. I started with "I love you" to which I received, "Stop telling me you love me." We got into an argument where I was very direct and honest with him. I wasn't hurtful, I didn't make judgments I just told him how I felt and let him know that I wasn't going to be a helping him anymore. 
"I am very respectful, considerate, tolerant, patient and forgiving of you. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I've given you a year. You don't treat me the same back. I don't love you any less for that because I understand why but I can't help you anymore because there is absolutely no benefit to come from it. You aren't gaining anything... I'm losing a lot." I also asked him to move out... He's not a happy camper but neither am I. People make their own choices and there are consequences for their decisions. I can be compassionate and understanding but allowing the same behavior to continue over and over again without changing anything is just stupid or as Einstein would say, insanity. Which is absolutely true. It makes me mentally ill to enable people I love and expecting that will help them get better. I do not want to be mentally ill therefore I must not enable them. 

Lots of things changing... All for the betterment of tomorrow. 

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