Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Believe in Magic

There are few times in your life when you meet someone and from the touch of their skin you can feel their lips against yours, know how their neck smells and honestly melt underneath their gaze. Last night Anthony and I went on a walk... an epic walk. Haha. It was a beautiful May night and the start of our five month anniversary. He held my hand and walked along side me like any good boyfriend would but there was something different about last night. Be it the sweet air or the constant spiderwebs we threw each other into it just felt kinda like a fairytale. Not the type that would be read to your children at night or become a Disney movie some day but the kind of fairy tale where I can close my eyes 100 years from now and still remember what he looked like under the street lights on that summer day. I had a blast just walking with no real destination with my man on my side. Sometimes we would sit and have deep meaningful conversation, debate about our different views on the world and honestly he was totally flirting with me the whole night, haha. After five months I shouldn't think of flirting as shocking but the way our relationship started... it seriously is.
I actually don't think there was much flirting. It was me seeing what I wanted and him trying not to be a bad bro and go out with his friend's girl (ex girl). Like I said before (and like many Scorpios apparently) I'm totally interested if I'm interested but the second I lose interest you're gonna have to do something drastic which is what happened with Anthony. My Anthony... the guy who puts everyone else's happiness before his own...
There was one night we were laying together, the room was dark and only lit by candle light; I was upset at him because he didn't want to use the term "girlfriend" because he feared my ex would hear (my ex who didn't care) about it and finally tears rolling down my face I looked him in the eyes and said, "Can't you see?... That I think you're perfect. Not in the way a 16 year old love struck girl sees her high school boyfriend but in the way that I can see you for exactly who you are and I accept you for all of it and I want you for all of it... because you're perfect to me...just the way you are." He'll deny it but he held back tears cleared his throat and said softly and innocently in that smooth deep voice I adore, "You've been my girl friend since I kissed you Christmas night."......
So I guess last night was magical night number 3... Together we walked the streets laughing and having an amazing time looking at our shadows ("my hips sway a lot" "yeah but it's not a waddle" "who said it was a waddle?!" "nobody! I'm saying it's not a waddle" "By rejecting the fact that it is a waddle you must have thought about it BEING a waddle!" "'s a cute waddle..." "I DON'T WADDLE!") ;at one point he would only speak to me in song titles and/or movie quotes, haha. Last night I learned things about him I didn't know and vice-versa. He does this cute thing when he's tired... he puts his arm around me and digs his head into my neck and I know it's his bedtime cue. He's a year younger than me but in many ways I feel like he's teaching me with his cool tempered wisdom how to accept and relax and not blow up where as I show him that passion is an amazing thing and being emotional is scary but rewarding because you become that much closer to one another. We have no age as minimal as the difference is. We just are.

So... I believe in magic and therefore I believe in love. I don't believe people are "meant to be" because that's just bullshit abusive boyfriends say so they can fuck you over and you'll take them back time and time again...huh! haha but I do believe that sometimes people... just work. And so I guess the conclusion of this is that I used to be afraid of him talking to my ex but after last night and how much I feel like we "just work" I trust him. Don't trust my ex (actually every time he's mention I wish he was a Jew taking a shower in the early 1940s ((not anti-Semitic just being vividly historical)) ) but I do trust him... mostly. And for now Mostly is all I have for my beautiful blue eyed boy with the ruby pouty lips... So gorgeous :^)

Happy Anniversary, Love.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

No Rainbows without Rain

So thinking about it, my life has been awesome! Sure there have been times much like today where I could lay in bed all day thinking about nothing but the empty feelings inside of me. Okay so maybe that's contradicting but this is the way I see it. It's like my logic and my emotions are always battling the other. Such as I know my life is amazing yet I feel like there is always something more I can do to make it better thus making me feel like I'm not doing enough and that just makes me feel like crap...Maybe I'll start over...

At work people really actually like me. My bosses have a lot of confidence in me. Much more confidence than I have in myself. They think I'm really intelligent and capable of more than I think I'm capable of. My co workers say the same thing. I'm getting paid really well and life is good in that aspect. I live on my own with my bunny. Things are good. Yet I feel like I don't know enough and that there are some people at work that don't like me. So instead of focusing on all the positives the 2 negative things I think about are all that consumes me. It's pathetic actually.

I went to a little reunion with my friends. Jamie was leaving to Canada since he graduated so I figured I needed to see him before he left. The entire ride up there all I could think about was all the bad shit that had happened to me the first 6 months after I graduated. The hurt, the cancer, the broken heart, the deceit, the hair cut, the weight gain, the desire to die... Anthony and Carmen told me otherwise and said I was being silly. When I saw my friends they were so happy and excited to see me. We talked and joked, they introduced me to people, "this is Tania, she's super smart and a really good nurse." Dan and Balmos came up to me and asked me what it felt like to be a success story. What the fuck?! A success story? I feel so much shame about Derek and about my mental health during that time and how embarrassing Christina's betrayal was and how much of a fuck up-failure I've felt like and here they are after a year of seeing me, calling me a success story? And...Everyone loved Anthony. They told me how happy they were that I was finally able to leave my ex and make my life awesome. I'm really honest with Anthony so he knew what was up before we went. He's so effing understanding it's ridiculous.

Thinking about it maybe I should have taken more time for myself, I really should have been on my own for a lot longer than a month and twenty days. Sometimes people come into your life though... They come in and make you see another side of you. I have never felt the way with anyone else the way I do with Anthony. I'm not even talking love, because I've been in love before and that crap's completely over-rated. I'm talking respect and kind-heartedness. He is the first person I have ever met to put my needs first. And since my needs are always met by him and I am so grateful of him I put his needs before my own as well. It's this cycle where we both take care of the other and we work together to make sure the other has all their needs met. There is no complaining or nagging or anything. It's made me realize how high maintenance I am, haha so I've even been able to work on that. I'm much more laid back and I need much less to make me happy. We work. Times aren't always great but I've only gotten angry once and for a valid reason which was resolved as soon as he saw my eyebrows contract. When I say that it makes it sound like I have him by the balls and it's not that. He's so caring he doesn't even like seeing a frown on my face because it makes him frown. He's so good about not letting me worry.

Today the unfortunate happened but with his help, a hug and a little confidence he was able to calm me like a soothing bath. He came to my house early this morning and cuddled with me because he knew i had a rough night. Then he took me out on a day date of a great lunch and a movie. He refuses to ever let me pay too. I fight him for the check sometimes though because honestly all i do is work and not to brag I can afford to take care of him but all he wants to do is take care of me. The perfect gentleman.

My life has been riddled with obstacles and abuse and pain... For the first time in my life I feel like I actually have a partner who is on my side to help me. He puts everything in perspective and calms my constant nerves. If things don't work out, because sometimes these things don't, I know after the pain has subsided I've made a life-long friend and who I am to look for in the future. But if it's up to my I'll keep him as long as I can. My gorgeous blue eyed boy :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Spring Again!!!

As the title of the post suggests it is Spring once again. Snow melting, flowers blooming... A new start to the year. My last post was me looking up at the moon with my friend saying that I wanted a sweet guy. Well kids, wish on a star and perhaps your dreams will come true (I am fully aware the moon is not a star but it seemed appropriate). Since Christmas I have been dating the sweet guy I was really talking about when I said that in November.

I'm not saying times haven't been rough but they have been better. Around Thanksgiving Caitlin's grandfather died. He was a wonderful man and also the sole caregiver of his wife, Caitlin's grandmother. She had dementia and end stage cervical cancer. Caitlin's family was kind enough to trust me with being her caregiver. So 72 hours a week I was with her. The way she would speak about her husband was magical. She always talked about the first time they met. When she would ask me (at least 15 times a day) if I was married I told her no. She would ask why and I would tell her my last relationship ended with me in the hospital. She asked if he ever hit me when I would say yes she would scrunch up her face in disgust then smile warmly at me and say, "Good riddance!" She was the best therapy I could have asked for. She would tell me about the 62 years she had spent with her husband and call him her best friend. It was sweet but horribly heartbreaking. She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for her husband. I would have to go in and tell her he was gone and she would cry. "Why didn't God take me?" she would ask, "Because you needed to change my life" I would tell her. Throughout the few months I was with her she told me exactly who to look for. Someone kind, hardworking but someone who would never shout or put me down and would always make me feel like a woman and not like trash. Her words became my new anthem in life. I was with her until the moment she died and washed her body and clothed her. I even helped her daughters pick out what she was to wear in the casket. It was one of the biggest learning experiences in my life. I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. It was sad but very nice to say goodbye. Finally she was reunited with the man she loved. And if not then at least she didn't feel heart broken anymore.

By the funeral I had been dating Anthony for a week. The whole thing (meaning being with me) was very difficult for him because he felt like a bad person for betraying a friend's trust but in the end he came around. I remember that Christmas night like it was yesterday. Throughout the month our lips kept meeting but his betrayal issues kept getting in the way. Finally in December he told me he didn't feel the same and was not going to. FINE! (that's what I said mentally anyway). So I stopped asking him to hang out and would only do it as a last resort which I would let him know somehow. He felt the silent battle I had against the walls he had put up and with every hit I was slowly chipping away at it. A few days before Christmas I hung out with him and Tom. A few drinks later Tom left us alone (he was a big advocate of Anthony and me, ha ha) and our faces met again. He, being sober, stopped and began to lecture again. "Why do you think this keeps happening if you're 'so against it'?"
"Because you keep kissing me!"
"Yes, but you keep allowing it. Listen, if you don't want this to happen, fine. But I'm hot, sweet, awesome to be around and I like you. A lot." Needless to say he kissed me. But at the end of the night it was again something he shouldn't have done. So on Christmas I gave him the scarf I had made him and he gave me cookies he had made me with nothing of romance said. That night we all went Christmas bowling and since I was a "big mistake" when the other guys were flirting with me I decided to flirt back and have a good time. I drank and danced and had a merry time with my friends. Tom pulled me aside at one point and said, "whatever you're doing it's working." I told him I was just having a good time. Anthony came over to me a little while later and gave me a hug in front of everyone. When it was time to go home he had me sit on his lap in the back, he kissed me in front of his friends. When we were walking back to Tom's he held my hand and finally I said, "you don't have to do this. In the morning you're just going to regret it all anyway." I let go and walked in alone. That night Anthony told me he did like me and didn't want to lose what we could have. We've been together since.

I'm not going to say everything has been daisies and rainbows. We've had our share of talks... see what I wrote there? TALKS! Like two adult human beings, when something is upsetting us we talk about it. I have not yelled in months! Well except for exclaiming that. I have not gone to bed angry even one night. We both have our demons that we have to overcome but we hold each others hand and stand united against it. He's never said anything malicious to hurt me or get back at me. He's never called me a whore, or slut or bitch or even stupid. He raises my spirits when they are down and is always trying to make me smile. I have seen him frustrated just once and it wasn't even directed towards me. He's like a personal Zen garden. His hugs are my Xanax. Speaking of antidepressants I have not been on them since about February and I have been completely fine.

Anthony drove me to my interview at St. Peters. I was all a huff and completely pessimistic but he made me laugh the whole nerve racking drive there. He gave me a kiss and said, "I have a good feeling about this." I had a good interview with the woman from HR and she immediately had me interview with my bosses Shaun and Jessica. I interviewed with them for 45 minutes. I waited over 2 weeks to get an answer and when I finally did Anthony took me out to lunch. He's been so supportive.

I spent New Years with Anthony and ended up sleeping over. My father got pissed I stayed out all night on... New Years Eve, the one night where parties don't officially start until 12am... yeah he's insane. So I moved out. January 1st I grabbed my stuff and went to Rudy's. I was out of Rudy's last month because I got my own apartment and am now making adult money. So yeah. A complete turn around. I was able to do everything I couldn't do in the last relationship. Find a job, move out of my parents house, get an apartment, and be completely independent and responsible. I am even neat! I love cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and room and living room! I love being able to have peanut butter and fluff for dinner if I feel like it, haha. And watch Glee one my plasma while sitting on my awesome couch. I honestly feel I was able to do all this because I was doing it for myself. Making my OWN decisions. Not making decisions to make other people happy or because my relationship was being threatened.

I believe all the bad had to happen to get bad people out of my life. The sun is always out even when all you see are rain clouds. I just had to wait it out to be able to see it. Being an adult is fabulous! Scary and sometimes lonely because I honestly can only depend on myself right now but mainly fabulous, ha ha. I love my job! says the Pediatric nurse :) My life is amazing and I am so blessed. Soon Anthony will be done with school and maybe if all goes well we'll move in together someday. I'm no longer afraid of what my parents think I actually don't even ask them anymore. They have been extremely supportive and helpful since the demise of my last relationship. For every bad thing that was said about them by the single person who caused me more pain than I ever deserved, they actually stepped up and have been extremely supportive and there for me. But only when I ask them to. They have been very respectful of my privacy and request for independence. It's kinda shocking.

In conclusion life is good and I am happy, healthy, successful and in love. What more can I ask for? (a smaller ass, lol but I'm working on it)