Tuesday, May 24, 2011

No Rainbows without Rain

So thinking about it, my life has been awesome! Sure there have been times much like today where I could lay in bed all day thinking about nothing but the empty feelings inside of me. Okay so maybe that's contradicting but this is the way I see it. It's like my logic and my emotions are always battling the other. Such as I know my life is amazing yet I feel like there is always something more I can do to make it better thus making me feel like I'm not doing enough and that just makes me feel like crap...Maybe I'll start over...

At work people really actually like me. My bosses have a lot of confidence in me. Much more confidence than I have in myself. They think I'm really intelligent and capable of more than I think I'm capable of. My co workers say the same thing. I'm getting paid really well and life is good in that aspect. I live on my own with my bunny. Things are good. Yet I feel like I don't know enough and that there are some people at work that don't like me. So instead of focusing on all the positives the 2 negative things I think about are all that consumes me. It's pathetic actually.

I went to a little reunion with my friends. Jamie was leaving to Canada since he graduated so I figured I needed to see him before he left. The entire ride up there all I could think about was all the bad shit that had happened to me the first 6 months after I graduated. The hurt, the cancer, the broken heart, the deceit, the hair cut, the weight gain, the desire to die... Anthony and Carmen told me otherwise and said I was being silly. When I saw my friends they were so happy and excited to see me. We talked and joked, they introduced me to people, "this is Tania, she's super smart and a really good nurse." Dan and Balmos came up to me and asked me what it felt like to be a success story. What the fuck?! A success story? I feel so much shame about Derek and about my mental health during that time and how embarrassing Christina's betrayal was and how much of a fuck up-failure I've felt like and here they are after a year of seeing me, calling me a success story? And...Everyone loved Anthony. They told me how happy they were that I was finally able to leave my ex and make my life awesome. I'm really honest with Anthony so he knew what was up before we went. He's so effing understanding it's ridiculous.

Thinking about it maybe I should have taken more time for myself, I really should have been on my own for a lot longer than a month and twenty days. Sometimes people come into your life though... They come in and make you see another side of you. I have never felt the way with anyone else the way I do with Anthony. I'm not even talking love, because I've been in love before and that crap's completely over-rated. I'm talking respect and kind-heartedness. He is the first person I have ever met to put my needs first. And since my needs are always met by him and I am so grateful of him I put his needs before my own as well. It's this cycle where we both take care of the other and we work together to make sure the other has all their needs met. There is no complaining or nagging or anything. It's made me realize how high maintenance I am, haha so I've even been able to work on that. I'm much more laid back and I need much less to make me happy. We work. Times aren't always great but I've only gotten angry once and for a valid reason which was resolved as soon as he saw my eyebrows contract. When I say that it makes it sound like I have him by the balls and it's not that. He's so caring he doesn't even like seeing a frown on my face because it makes him frown. He's so good about not letting me worry.

Today the unfortunate happened but with his help, a hug and a little confidence he was able to calm me like a soothing bath. He came to my house early this morning and cuddled with me because he knew i had a rough night. Then he took me out on a day date of a great lunch and a movie. He refuses to ever let me pay too. I fight him for the check sometimes though because honestly all i do is work and not to brag I can afford to take care of him but all he wants to do is take care of me. The perfect gentleman.

My life has been riddled with obstacles and abuse and pain... For the first time in my life I feel like I actually have a partner who is on my side to help me. He puts everything in perspective and calms my constant nerves. If things don't work out, because sometimes these things don't, I know after the pain has subsided I've made a life-long friend and who I am to look for in the future. But if it's up to my I'll keep him as long as I can. My gorgeous blue eyed boy :)

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